Today I went to the IVF clinic, which I hasten to add, always releases emotion in me.
I had to have a trans-vaginal scan with an internal camera to see my ovaries. This hurt because of that pelvic syndrome I suffer with, so I started getting tearful, thinking I am half a woman etc.
Then they had to take swabs and that bit was worse because they then stuck what felt like a freight truck up me to do this.
It was done by a woman doctor which I was highly embarrassed about; I would have preferred a man. I am used to taking my clothes off in front of a man, but it just feels icky in front of a woman, doctor or not.
She was like, 'relax please, Jo' - yeah right, how was I supposed to relax like that?? I tried to talk about work while she was there with her really big movable light - ugh.
After feeling as if I have been struck by a match where it hurts, they then packed me off to the counselling room with less than 2 seconds to recover.
Spoke to the counsellor - she wasn't very good. Then I came home and cried on and off all afternoon.
Still - who said atonement was easy?
My mood crashed completely.
On the positive side, got my publishing contract in the post today (haven't heard from the other 2 yet) and I had a stack of cheques come through in the mail, which is nice.
H brought DD4 back this evening and gave me my post. I gave him 2 newspaper articles on schools (there are some terrible things happening in schools in my county) and he tried to convince me to home ed, again, but I said nothing because I wasn't in the mood after the day I've had.
He said
'You look really washed out'. I said 'So would you be if you'd just had half a tonne of metal shoved up you.' He cringed and said 'It's time for the operation soon, isn't it?' I said not quite yet, first I have to inject myself every day for 12 days etc. He said 'You have to inject it yourself?'
He said I must be crazy. He's probably right. Then he said they should pay me.
Then he went. I called after him for DD1's email address but he didn't hear me. I wanted to show them my photos but they weren't there, so I figured I'd email them to her.
DD4 is in top form, she seems more grown up than last week.
I feel like giving up today, even though I was happy yesterday.
