Thanks for your input over on my thread. I have been quite taken with the wisdom that you generously give to all on this bb.
3 years, huh? I am in my 2 year mark (post bomb). Just in the past month my W has become quite comfortable touching me (no, not in the erogenous zones or in a romantic way), just "planned" accidental touching as when we are handling our D3 while I brush her teeth and W brushes her hair, things like that. Prior to this phase any accidental touching would have elicited a recoil response worthy of the most powerful cannon. Curiously, just a couple of weeks after this phase began she declared intent to D (fear, perhaps). But since declaring intent to D, she has continued to feel comfortable touching. I am going to encourage this and even promote it by getting physically closer when I can. I mention this to you in the following context.
Your decision to stop sexual R puzzles me. I feel that men connect through physical touch. Are you not afraid that if you deny him this he will be forced to go elsewhere? I know this seems like cake-eating to you, but would physical touch not soften him up. A friend of mine was in the identical situation to you and her H came back from a MLC after 3 years and the first things to return was the physical part. Then he segued into ILY's and then they started to talk and things are good for them now. You are much wiser and experienced at this than I am but I just thought a newcomer may raise the question again to you to induce further thinking. Perhaps letting him have the physical R but placing other boundaries may not be a bad idea. I know all about the cake-eating. In my W's case I have been maintaining a part of the relationship where she talks to me about her day-to-day stuff regularly and vents with me. I have always maintained a good "marriage map" of her (Gottman) and so I am keeping that going. My friends and others (not DB cognoscenti) have been telling me she is cake eating. I see that, but I think if I dont let her have that she will go elsewhere for emotional support. And I know that with a woman when that happens all is lost. The way I see it, by giving her the emotional R, I am trying to draw her back into a physical R and (well at least until a couple weeks ago) I thought it was working (i.e. the touching etc.).
I don't know anything Jo, just throwing some questions out. Perhaps you got tired of him not making a commitment despite you providing the physical R. But maybe you did not give it enough time. And it is terrible to use one's body parts to lure one's own spouse back (I am usin my ear ). But if the goal is reconciliation, is it not worthwhile. After all, you may enjoy it yourself (Beats listening to my W rave about so-and-so and how such-and-such is so screwed up etc.)? My friend whose H came back is now nine months into the phase where he is coming back into the emotional R. She has also changed a lot about herself in that period so that the old patterns (pre-D) will not be replayed.
It seems to be, following the Mars/Venus idea, that in our situations, what works for the goose does not work for the gander!! We all get so myopic about out situations, just kicking in a fresh perspective.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
). But if the goal is reconciliation, is it not worthwhile. After all, you may enjoy it yourself (Beats listening to my W rave about so-and-so and how such-and-such is so screwed up etc.)? My friend whose H came back is now nine months into the phase where he is coming back into the emotional R. She has also changed a lot about herself in that period so that the old patterns (pre-D) will not be replayed. 
