If it's any consolation, I'm pretty much in the same boat. I want/need very little. I was already that way before we adopted the D from Romania, but even though I grew up all over the world, the summer spent in Romania made me want even less than I did before. Every time we go back to volunteer in the orphanage, I get a fresh inoculation against consumerism. I truly believe that as you accumulate more and more, the tables start turning and you find that your possessions start to own you rather than the other way around.
My W, OTOH, is a consumer. For my entire married life, we’ve lived paycheck to paycheck. Before we had kids, I was knocking down $160K plus per year and we were still broke when payday rolled around.
If you were to interview BB, she would paint the picture that I am the strange one. Me (her) comparisons. Afraid to spend money, I look for deals, (BB buys when the mood strikes) Eating out where prices are reasonable. We eat out 3 x a week and I cook 50% of the time we eat at home. (Some of her friends and relatives eat almost every meal out.) I work with customers that don't have a lot of money, working on junk, working long hours, (She worked at the hospital where the more you spent the better.) I used to work long hours compared to her 2 or 3 day work shift.(she wants shorter work hours and more fun/household improvements hours) I have the business inventory at home in the basement, (she can't have the big room downstairs for her exercise equipment) (lots of equipment, the senior community center has less).
Why do I stay? I was seeing small changes for the good and just recently more behaviors and attitudes that say she wants to do her own thing "her way" but wants me to stay with her. She said she loves me.
I thought things were getting back on track, the shopping is down about 50%, one noisy bird is on consignment, she is going out to see her friends a little more, she quit taking her Prozac and seems to be doing better w/o it.
The down side is BB still makes comments to friends that pets are better friends/companions than husbands, but says that does not include me. ( I don't believe her sometimes) She said I am OK, but I have faults. The pet comments really hurt my feelings.
In some aspects, BB is like JJ's H. Picky, no sex when working, and feelings of entitlements.
The UTI's at 30% to 50% the rate of sex, have her discouraged and me frustrated to no end right now. They are a legitimate reason for BB to avoid sex and are frustrating to me. Just when "I thought" things were getting better, now it seems I have to be the one to solve or ferret out methods to reduce or limit the UTI's or go with out. It is so frustrating to make progress then face the possibility giving up sex for medical reasons, it's enough to make a guy have ED in a week.
It's difficult to hug and kiss during the day, cuddle in bed and just go to sleep with an erection. BB also has the radio on all night sometimes. I ask her to lower the volume from 10 to 9. She complains that 9 is not loud enough to hear properly, so she turns it off after displaying some frustration herself. The part that has me most frustrated is the "all or nothing" choices she thinks she has to execute. I have to wear my facemask and use my air blower so I don't snore when sleeping in the same bed with her.
Who can sleep with all of this, mostly emotional stuff. That is why I was thinking about separate bedrooms again.
Most of this would be OK if there were more of an emotional connection and a reasonable amount of physical activity going on between us. Like I said before, I scratch her back or rub her feet, she pets the dog. I get little in return except thanks.
I had several reasons / problems that pointed to reasons why BB is the way she is, some medical and some emotional, but I hit the escape key and lost it all. Maybe I will re-write them late and let you see why I have empathy for her situation.
LostGal, could you leave your H, animals, and house. I would hav trouble breaking up the things I have right now. I suppose my situation / problems are simmilar to yours.
Quote: Before we had kids, I was knocking down $160K plus per year and we were still broke when payday rolled around.
You must have been one of the couple I read about in a monthly magazine describing how people were making ends meet (from 25K to 200K a year) while I was thinking I was doing OK living on 18K a year.
At one time, post back injury, I got 1K a month from a disability insurance policy. Two kids, house payments, SAHM, cat and dog 1987 to 1990. We got by, did not have to sell anything like some other guys in the same prediciment I met at rehab. I really learned to not live pay check to paycheck after my first back injury in 1981.
Quote: I truly believe that as you accumulate more and more, the tables start turning and you find that your possessions start to own you
I had a dream once where after you died you had to go on a journey and carry everything by hand you had collected, gathered, or saved in life. I am not a minimalist, far from it but I don't need the newest, biggest, fastest of anything.
Quote: My W, OTOH, is a consumer.
How much conflict does that cause?
Quote: the summer spent in Romania
Some of the TV programs about international destinations and the people show how little some people have and they are relative happy with family around, if they even have family, and if not at war or in a famine. I also saw some tough living conditions. It was TV so I assumed what I saw might not portray what the whole country was like.
Quote: The responsibilities to keep all in good repair...geesh...
LostGal, don't you know? The new mentality is to throw it out when it gets dirty or shabby looking. That is what some people tell me when I drive my 1984 van with 89K on the odometer. I just put my hand behind my ear and say, "What did you say sonny?" and do my thing. They say smart a$$. I turn away and grin
What to do when you know you are right and worng at the same time.
Quote: (LG said) why are you staying married? I have been pushed to answer this for myself, but I really can't, ergo the "abused/addicted" thread. (I asked)LostGal, could you leave your H, animals, and house. I would hav trouble breaking up the things I have right now. I suppose my situation / problems are simmilar to yours.
I see the returning to the abusive or neglected theme to your post but want to ask you something else, but related.
LG, your C advises leaving your M, yet you stay like a true DB'er. I was seeing the logic of "it's less work and more productive to repair a M than to D."
What is the mininum improvement you can live with in your M? Do you have some goals or standards that have to be met by a certain date.
I ask the question, especially about the animals ( you said you had several) because of what I have read recently about some people's relationship with pets. If BB had to choose between me and her dogs, I might lose. She has said her dogs give her more joy than anything else. Then again, maybe I am borrowing trouble. I am just sort of taking a poll. Do you stay because of your animals?
My position on pets and people is, people come first. If pets have to go, they only go when they get good homes. I am not the only person to give a pet a good home. I know there are lots of other wouderful pet owners in the world.
Another reason I ask is, I read here on the bb other guys feel less improthat than the kids and some pets.
Right now I don't see how to influence someone to think or do the things I feel would lead to a proper relationship. Goood roommates, yes. Really married, no. I am guessing you have simmilar problems/concerns? Maybe not!
My dogs are old, blind, deaf, incontenent, but "they havent told me yet" that they are done fighting. My favorite will likely not make Christmas. He got a dog 7 years ago a BIG dog. Well he is 7 and frankly not many places would take him (apartments, gated communities etc). He is a concern, but I don't know for whom.
The horses....there's the catch....logic says my back can't...my heart isnt ready.
The house? H wanted much more property and you really cant get much smaller of a house (well you can but) Taking care of this place isn't hard when the tools work, atm the tractor and the riding lawnmower are down...and in repair...and the grass keeps growing...hmmmm
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
I wish I had something concrete to tell you, but I don't. W's spending has caused a lot of conflicts over the years, but I think she's been in a spending lull for a couple years. Now she's on the upswing again and I see conflict brewing again.
Like I said, Idon't really have much to offer here other than empathy from one who's been there and looks to be headed back. The only thing that ever worked at all for me was putting her on a strict allowance. But that only worked because I'm the sole breadwinner and can control the money. The allowance in itself caused a lot of problems between us, but it came close to controlling the spending. Of course we did get a letter from WalMart offering us a credit card and I mistakenly threw it away without tearing it up. I later found out that she had fished it out of the trash and sent it in. Being a SAHM, she could intercept the mail - so she was hiding the card and the bills.
WB. BB worked 2.? days a week and had 2 relatives that saved money for most of their life and she owns those funds. She often says I control her spending but I see it as not buying the first thing she sees, impulse buying, like some of the QVC things she bought. The QVC shopping has stopped but I see the supressed urges to buy lurking. BB knows her urges TO BUY are powerful and said she can't watch QVC SO IT IS ALMOST NEVER ON ANYMORE.
The reason to not be controlling, is the relationship developes into a parent / child one. One person feels cheated. They feel that they have to shop on the sly, don't always get the best value, and feel it's now or never when they see something that catches their eye. One person feels they like they have to be the only responsible party in the M. Not good for either party.
BB and I have talked about the causes or feelings she has when impulse shopping. Most of her feelings she tells me about seem to be not logical to me, mostly based on feelings like cute, looked nice, and other non-measurable factors.
I hope you two can talk about her and your feelings and plans for the income you have available. Hiding facts about where money comes from and goes makes the potential solutions take longer to impliment.
"it was a bargain, so I bought it" "that's nice, what is it?" "I don't know, but it was a bargain so I bought it" "what are you going to do with it?" "I don't know, but it was a bargain so I bought it"
and do my thing. They say smart a$$. I turn away and grin