Quote: the feeling that you want to go away, to move out of the bedroom, out of the house-- locate that feeling. You don't have to name it or describe it or explain it or justify it. But go off by yourself somewhere and FEEL IT.
Feeling: Why hang around the candy store and do errands. I get lots of thank yous, but the owner rarely pays you with candy.
Quote: tell us about, that place that your W's behavior puts you in
a) I am not part of the team. We are two individual room mates when it comes to desire but married when it comes to living together. time, obligations, and responsabilities to each other. b) I read the hysterectomy forum and empathise with the posters there. Some don't want to be touched. If I were BB, how much sex would I want? c) I don't want to cause another UTI. I dont want to give her pain. So for now I stay away more than last month. Still touching and hugging some. It feels lonely. d) I feel cheated out of one of the best things in life that connects me with another person.
Quote: Is the feeling
Draining, frustrating, weary, lonely.
Quote: And sit there until the feeling goes away, and it will go away,
Moist eyes, deep breathing, pressure in upper chest for 15 minuets. I survived, just more tired after the feelings subside.
If life is a bowl of cherries, why are there so many pits in my bowl? (irony or slight humor intended)
History and journaling. 1968 to 1981 was mostly good for me. BB felt neglected for a while, (1975) and I didn't realise it.
When I had a back injury/surgery in 1981, BB got sexually frustrated and shut down that part of her make up. ML was a problem for me for about 6 months. We did it a little, but only gently. After sex I was in bad shape for a couple of days. I also had to sleep on the floor and BB felt I abandoned her at times.
I got my mo-jo back but BB didn't. She said she was hurt w/o sex and never wanted to re-awaken that abandoned feeling she had when sexually frustrated, for the 6 or so months pre and post surgery.
Now, I feel better, I work (Example, college 3.82 GPA) and keep busy. Lots of customer work gets done, but I don't do much for myself. Customers first, things second, BB second or third, me a way distant fourth.
After my second back injury in 1986, it took almost 3 years before I was able to work and no one would hire me. That is when I went to college. That's one reason why work was so high on my priority list. Also living on $1,000 a month, making house, insurance payments, and raising 2 kids (1987/1990) put a lot of stress on the M. It also reinforced my fiscally conserative nature.
I know I am where I am, for many reasons. Many I have posted at various places here on the BB. Like many others, I am looking for a way to a more satisfying and emotionally connected life. I am OK with who I am most of the time and I guess BB is OK with who she is, but the mix between us is off.
I can change me and accept who she is with out blaming her for what I feel. I can also decide to seek what I need in life. BB gets first chance. If little improves between us, I will gradually enlarge my interests and do GAL things by myself.
The sad thing about all of this is, I think BB is happier now than in a long time but I am once again becoming frustrated because when one things seems better, something new happens and I am almost back to the start line. It feels like I am pushing water up hill.
OG Lou The glass is still half full, but the water is almost always too muddy to drink.
