Hi Deb - Thank you so much for stopping by...My stomach is in knots about how H will act towards me tonight. I've been reviewing older threads of mine and listening to Mars and Venus. Your suggestions are VERY helpful. Thanks for listing out the different options and things you have done.
When I posted "before" I was in newcomers and then mlc so I don't think we posted to each other back then but I have been following your sitch and admire how far you have come. Some of things your H has said and his actions (mlc) have been so similar it truely seems like a script that they follow.
Yes, I am in Act as If mode with nerves
Hope you have a good night
Take Care, SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Hey, SP, I sure know what you mean about stomach in knots. Hang in there, sweetie. Give it your all with the ole' "AS IF".....and if that seems to be not working, just "back off". I know it's hard. I still have stomach churning moments, after all this time. And times when I want to scream and throw things. try to soothe yourself before hand.....I'll check back in on you in the AM Deb
Hi Deb - Thanks for checking back with me. Last night did not go well. H is livid with me. He's giving me the silent treatment. He slept on the couch and this morning on his way out he left his cell phone and I said something and he shot back that I can just answer it. So, I am in back off mode. I even stopped at the store last night for some stuff he likes before I got home. I did say that I was sorry and that how many times do I have to pay for 1 mistake this am as he left and said the stuff about me answering his cell phone. I won't say anymore about it. After all the crap and way he acted with the mlc, I mess up and he's not even speaking to me.
I hope this hasn't caused him to go back deeper into the tunnel. I already had plans tomorrow without him and Sunday was a social thing for both us but I better be prepared for him not to go just in case.
what a great friday
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Hi SP, sorry to hear that your evening didnt go well. I can remember so many similar instances with my H....We really had some rows about the same issues. I remember him being livid with me for checking his work schedule on the computer... I did check it, and he was sneaking off with monster....boy, did I ever hear every ugly accusation in the book of what an interfering, overbearing bitch I was and how that was one of the reasons he loved monster so much and ladedahdedadeda. Sound familiar???? they all do the same carefully correographed (sp) dance, I've come to understand. Then he'd get angry and say "you can just check my schedule"....I learned not to respond other than to say "not interested" and drop it completely after those 2 words.
I think you're doing absolutely the best thing in backing off....I'd suggest maybe not saying one more word about the incident, you've apologized, it's done and over and can't be changed, let it go so he can start to do the same. AND don't beat yourself up over it, lord, it's not like we don't have REASONS to be sensitive to this stuff, and we are after all only human.
Quote: I did say that I was sorry and that how many times do I have to pay for 1 mistake this am as he left and said the stuff about me answering his cell
I'd suggest being careful to avoid things like the "how many times do I have to pay" comment. I know I've said pretty much the same, and my underlying intent was to point out to him how irrational he was being. But, believe me, to their mlc brains, there is no such thing as irrational on their part, and those kinds of comments only give them fuel to conjure up more weird rationalizations.
What if you just leave the phone untouched where he left it, and let it show missed calls?????
It's good you've got plans for the weekend. take care of yourself, and try to focus on being pleasant and cheerful in interactions, and then let the "crap" he spews out roll off you back. Lord, I hope that doesnt sound preachy, heaven knows how much I've struggled with this stuff. but, my experience is it blows over faster if I can let go of it and get on with life in a pleasant manner.
Gotta run, take care, I'll check back on you on Monday.
Yeah, after I made that comment about paying for my mistake, etc. I knew I goofed there. It is frustrating to have put up with so much and been so understanding, etc. and then have 1 mistake blown out of proportion.
No, I am not touching that darn cell phone. This latest drama has taught me to ignore and not check his phone. I rarely did it before this either but now I am done with it. He can turn his phone off, charge it, etc. I will no longer touch it ever. I don't need to be treated like this when his phone rang at 2am. I wouldn't have touched the damn thing had it not been ringing at such an unGodly hour.
I'm in serious back off mode right now. No calls or e-mails which I rarely e-mail him any more since he never responds and barely ever sends me one.
I will be friendly and upbeat tonight and not bring this up again. If he does, I'll just say I am sorry and drop it.
Well, I hope you have a great weekend Thanks again for all your knowledge and advice in this area!
Take Care,
SP
Last edited by SP1; 07/14/0605:43 PM.
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Hi Deb - Well, the weekend improved from the date of the incident. The back off advice was so right on for this sitch. I went on with my plans on Sat. and left him at home (he was invited but declined before the incident). Sunday he came with me to the social event as planned and we had a pretty good time. He seems to have let go of his grudge for the most part. It was an eye opener to me to see how such a small incident can send them off the deep end. I have not touched the cell phone and don't plan to again. Back to baby steps again.
I hope all is going well for you, Deb
Take Care, SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Hi there, I too had a huge blowout and now I'm back to square one. I'm starting to realize that this piecing business is a slow task, I thought we were doing so well then BLAM! a crisis and we are back two spaces. It is hard to trust them but we must, we must push ourselves to leave the past totally behind.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Hi Cat - Thanks for posting to me . I really need to hear this now about the trust. My H has meetings today and I fear exFF (co-worker) will be at the meetings too. I hope my spazzing out the other day doesn't lead them to speak. Yes, this piecing is a s l o w process. I've been dbing since '03...one day at a time.
Take Care, SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Hi, It's been quite a while since I last posted. Things for the most part had been going pretty well with occasional mlc-ish retreats from H along the way. Anyway, I would say around the end of Dec. things started to seem off again. I would periodically check e-mail account (was joint home one) and one day ran across a sex related joke type e-mail sent to H and others at his work which really caught me off guard. It wasn't a tame e-mail and had pictures. I got upset and asked H about it and he said it was no big deal and that we must view the world differently (sounds like his old mlc talk). I tried to let it go but it was hard and I mentioned it a few other times. Anyway, H has seemed to retreat again. He's sleeping on the couch more, lack of PT, and this is the kicker that's got me on edge. He's changed the e-mail password and not told me about it. I have not mentioned anything about it or that I know he changed it. Should I be freaking out? How would you handle this? I don't recognize a lot of the current posters as it's been a while for me. Fizzle, sage, slowly? Are you out there?
Take Care, SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Thanks again for all your knowledge and advice in this area!
