Former poster - Thought M was back on track

[SP1]

I am trying to snap out a mood and thought if I post some positives to this lastest sitch it would help to calm me down:

1) H will feel like he is contributing to his sister/her family even thou we only see them a couple of times a year.
2) This giving will make H feel good
3) This is a chance for me not to freak out about him wanting to give his relatives money. They don't have much of it and he has helped them out before but not to this large extent.
4) Giving is good; good karma will flow

I just feel like my H constantly draws needy people to him whether it be work always asking for more to his family wanting something from him. One time he gave his other sister $300 cash and didn't tell me about it so I have to be calm in my reactions to this latest sitch. Her schooling will be for 2 years and this could be huge amts. of $$$.

H E L P

[SP1]

Well, since my H's run in w/ FF the other night & the flirty e-mail from her I saw I have been checking his e-mail constantly. I don't want to do this. Please anyone have any suggestions to stop this??? I was doing really well for quite some time and not checking it. I DO NOT believe anything is going on but since I found the FF e-mail I keep on checking it. This is not productive and causing me to feel anxious. It has got to stop!!!

Reinforcements, anyone???

[rottzilla]

What if you find something? What then? Will you confront him and ruin what you have built?

Stop snooping, it doesn't do anything other than hurt you in the long run. I know it's hard, it was VERY hard for me. I only did it occasionally, but it was still hard to stop. And the risks are too high. I feel for you.

[sage]

Hi SP1,

If it's got to stop, well, stop it! I know I'm being simplistic and believe me, girlfriend, I am the queen of jealous feelings and worries about FFs and all of that but you KNOW it's making you feel anxious and you KNOW it makes it harder to act as if and you KNOW it's not something you can control so step away from the computer and let's get focused back on YOU and your h.

Breathe deeply and the next time you get the urge say something like "I am not doing myself any favors by snooping. I will take better care of myself." or something that feels right to you!

Now, it sounds to me like you can keep yourself quite busy with goals and positives and the like -- so much that you're not going to have time to do any snooping!

You said that WOA are h's LL -- saying "thank you" is great. Sometimes I say ('cause it's true) "It really makes my life so much easier (calmer, whatever) when you do XYZ! Thank you so much!". Sometimes I say "why are you so good to me?" ('cause it's true) and sometimes I say "I'm so lucky" ('cause it's true). You can mix up what you say but just say something to convey that you've noticed that he's done some AOS.

You've mention acting "as if" as an important part of your DB'ing before...can I ASSume that you're focusing on that? You also mentioned doing stuff together outside of the house was a big help, too -- how are you doing with that?

As for h's job, I am the poster child for the notion that a happily employed h = a happier m! when he's complaining about it, you don't have to say anything that's even remotely controlling in order to be supportive -- just say something like "tell me more" or "what's your dream job" or "what did you want to be when you were a kid" or "what else would you see yourself doing" or anything that conveys earnest interest and openness to him pursuing something else (assuming that you are open to that). Also, his complaining that you guys don't get to see each other sounds like a big plea for some QT with you -- what are you going to do about that?

You've got finite energy, friend. Use it for the stuff that you can control and have an impact on. You've been successful DB'ing before so you KNOW you can do it!!!

Sage

[slowly]

You asked for reinforcements

Stop snooping. By doing so, you are surrendering too much power over your life to someone else. Focus on what makes you happy that is within your control. In the end, we can only be ourselves.

Wishing you a fabulous weekend. Slowly

[SP1]

Hi Rottzilla, Sage, and Slowly - Thank you all for your posts and encouragement not to snoop. I think I am out of that funk now. It's funny how one incident (H running into FF at workplace) can trigger BAD behaviour!

Hi Sage - Thanks for your analysis of my sitch I read the post before leaving from work on Friday for the weekend and it really set my mind/mood/head straight. I feel back on track and had a good weekend with H. We spent the whole weekend together, , went to a movie and lunch. I feel like my QT was fulfilled as well as Hs. I did lag behind on AOS but figured I could give that a tiny break and enjoy the QT instead

Thanks for the examples of WOA you listed, Sage. This will help a great deal. I definitely have the Thank You part down and now I can work on the because aspect.

H didn't want to talk about his job this weekend. I will try to offer non-controlling assistance when he asks for it. It will be hard but I know I can do it (Act As If). I like the examples you gave me to help me to help my H in his work dilema. I will be thinking about other questions along this line to help me help him (when asked )

Well, I better get back to work now. Hope your home repairs went smoothly and you & H got to spend some QT together over the weekend.

Take Care,
SP

[slowly]

Hi SP - Glad to hear you were able to turn things around I use your signature line as inspiration, by the way, it's so apt for where many of us are !

Slowly

[haphazard]

Hi SP1,

The title of your post caught my eye because I too used to post a couple of years ago, and I too feel like we have definitely come back off the rails.

I have two kids but apart from that our sitches are similar your H sounds a lot like mine, workaholic, guilt-driven, likes WOAs, likes to do AOS, drinks too much.

Some things that used to work.
WOAs in form of texts as well as verbal
Gifts - if your H likes to win stuff maybe gifts are like a more concrete form of WOA

I am glad things are gradually climbing up again for you. I guess we did get a bit too comfortable and backslid. Your posts have given me inspiration to have another go at it. I was just starting to think - well I did my best but it didn't work.

take care

Fran

[SP1]

Hi Slowly - Thanks for stopping by Things have been very busy at my work so I haven't been posting much lately. I'll have to catch up with your thread and see what you and NG have been up to

Hi Fran - Thanks for stopping by Do you have a current thread so I could catch up on your sitch? Yes, your H sounds similar to mine. I'm glad you are going to give your M/R another shot. This BB is so helpful and especially reading about the other posters progress and how they handle their situations is so helpful!

So, here is my brief update. As noted above, work is entering busy season here so I will have less time to post but will try to read up on other's threads.

Well, now my H has added another kink to our progress. He wants to move back to his hometown. He hates his job here and says the only reason he stays is because of me (can you feel the resentment???). I don't know what the solution to this additional problem is. I do not want to live in his hometown. It's a different climate and culture and it is far away from my friends and family. In my Hs line of work he will always work nights, weekends, and holidays and where we are now I can drive a couple of hours to see my family and friends. I tried suggesting once he gets his work schedule fixed (which he still has not set up the meeting with his bosses) that we could plan more trips to see his family. It is drivable so it's not like we would have to fly a lot. I'm feeling discouraged and not sure what to do next.

Ideas, anyone????

Take Care,
SP

[SP1]

bump

Ideas, comments, suggestions???

Thanks,
SP