Hi everyone - I am a former poster from about 2 years ago. Thought my M was pieced but now I am not so sure. I changed my name because I was afraid H/someone would figure it out.
Anyway, about 2 weeks ago got the "bombs" again. The only tangible I have as to why this may have occurred is that H found an old sticky from the early db days and misinterpreted it. I had no idea I still had it. Now, he has retreated. Sleeps on couch a lot and edge of our bed. Not as interested in ML. Not e-mailing me. Rarely calling me. No mention of future again and gets defensive when I ask questions.
Anyway, how do you start over with dbing after 2 years and feeling as if you somewhat succeeded and then when you felt safe and almost on solid ground...bomb drops again?
I have been reading the board and trying to db and not fall into old habits but I guess maybe I got too comfortable?
Background:
Me - 36 H - 34 no kids M - 8 years 1st bomb Mar/April '03 H never moved out but I suspected an EA but never confirmed. He denied many times. "Just Friends" H seemed to have been going thru an MLC and has a drinking problem which is usually when bombs are dropped.
Thanks for reading this and I hope someone can help me
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Sorry to hear that things have regressed for you SP1. All I would say is dont feel defeated by this setback. Keep the faith and keep Dbing, as it is a constant effort. I have know way of knowing to what level your husband has been drinking, but substance abuse of any kind makes the process infinitely difficult. Without putting him on the defensive (ie., why are you so withdrawn?) ask him if there is a specific thing that has been bothering him lately. Maybe it's work related or something that he has wanted to talk to you about but cant seem to find the right opening. Good luck with everything, and stay positive! that's the important thing!
Thanks, Determined One. I appreciate your response. I have been feeling like I could talk to no one about this and that's when I figured I should re-join the board.
Unfortunately, he gets irritated with my questions just like after the bombs 2 years ago, so right now I am giving him some space. Plus, he tends to keep his feelings out of the open and then during the bomb it's like all this pent up stuff spews.
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Hi Sage! I used to post in MLC and newcomers. My name had to do with the color blue.
Anyway, I can't believe I wrote this down and he finds it 2 years later. It was an affirmation I found in some book right when I found out about the possible EA. It said "I will take care of myself, no matter who I am with". I feel so stupid now. At first I denied writing it because I had no idea what he was talking about. Then after searching through my stuff I saw it. Honestly, at that point I was just trying to make myself feel better and was in shock about his sudden turnaround and new friend. Do you think there must be something bigger to trigger this than just this sticky?
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Quote: Do you think there must be something bigger to trigger this than just this sticky?
Not necessarily.
I was reading old threads and one of my last threads (so it would have been about 8 - 12 months ago) contained a backslide that I had forgotten all about...it was basically a situation where I had questioned h in a way that brought back my mistrust of him, etc, and his reaction was so primal it was amazing. It was as though nothing had been accomplished at all and that we were back at square one....now, we rallied from it pretty quickly but I think the wounds are seriously there for both parties for a long time.
So, have you reread DB/DR? Wanna get started with some goals?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Unfortunately, I gave my DB book away but need to re-read it for sure.
My short term goals:
1) focus on work more - past 2 weeks I have lost focus 2) try to list the 3 positives a day 3) work on maintaing GAL (had slacked off some there) 4) get back in shape (had also gained a few pounds) 5) be able to slowly get back to the progress we had made - how??? 6) give H plenty of space - don't persue, etc. Although, I am not sure of this as during the bombs he said we live separate lives (we work different schedules)?
How do those sound?
Positives for the day - 1) H let me kiss him goodbye this am and did not pull away 2) getting hair done tonight (morale booster)
Thanks for looking at my sitch
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Quote: 5) be able to slowly get back to the progress we had made - how???
What worked the first time?
Quote: 6) give H plenty of space - don't persue, etc. Although, I am not sure of this as during the bombs he said we live separate lives (we work different schedules)?
In my sitch, my h likes emotional space (like no R talks) but also warms up if I am in close proximity. so, after fights I often go do my own thing but then gradually move my physical self closer to him (read in the same room, etc).
That's ME...what works for you?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Acting as if went a long way. Spending quality time together outside of the house. Increasing PT and AOS. Those are his top 2 LL. I think he likes WOA too but I have never been too good at that. Guess, I should also re-read LL.
Well, this weekend we have 2 days of QT planned so I am hoping that will help get us back on track. Maybe I should up the "as if" factor. Since the re-bombs I have retreated and maybe I shouldn't? He isn't interested in ML but maybe I can give him a back rub. He really likes those. I asked him the other day and he said no thanks
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
Good Morning, Just wanted to journal before work gets busier today.
Last night, H left me a note - he had a work function (not including spouses) so I thought that was a positive but did not sign Love, H. Why do I have to see a negative in this positive??? ugh.
This am he was grouchy. Had some drinks last night when he got home so I guess I shouldn't take it personally. Gave him a hug and kiss on my way to work and got a 1/2 hug/pat not exactly passionate. Should I back off the PT?
I hope things really aren't going back to what they were like 2 years ago (1st bombs). That truely scares me. I have backed off the future talk for now. We had been looking into buying a home. Could that have sent him back into tunnel?
Thanks again Sage and Determined One for your responses. I can't really confide in anyone about this. Stopped seeing my C a while ago and H never really approved of this. Gets annoyed with all my self help books and tapes which I don't ask him to read.
Hope everyone enjoys the long Memorial Day weekend! SP
According to the Buddha, praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow may "come and go like the wind," but happiness comes if you can "rest like a great tree in the midst of them all."
