Regarding crying and comforting: When my bf and I did the UL workshop and he was the guinea pig for the Vertical Drop, the content was how bad he feels when I cry. (This topic came up briefly on the board a while ago.) Apparently seeing me cry and knowing (or thinking) that it is something he has done or at least that there's nothing he can do about it totally paralyzes him in a state of unbearable helplessness and frustration.
In the Vertical Drop you allow yourself to BE with the feeling you have been fleeing and it can feel like approaching a fire with the intention of sticking your hand in it. As I stood with him in front of the class and he got closer and closer to imagining me crying (I wasn't even REALLY crying!) he broke out in a sweat, he teared up, he was turning red, and shaking.
I was touched but also incredulous that my crying should be the cause of so much distress. It's more understandable if it's over something he's done, but when we brought my dog Jessica's body home from the vet to bury her, I was also sobbing and wailing and it had nothing to do with him, but he was still beside himself. He also does not comfort me, and we've only discussed it briefly. He says he doesn't know what "the right thing to do" is.
Personally I say try something and see how I react-- arm around me, saying "sorry, honey," or something! I think one of the posters on this board said when this subject came up that when their spouse was upset and crying he figured the best thing was to "give her some space" and not approach at all. I think I would only do that after attempting some sort of comforting. I'd rather err on the side of reaching out than on the side of holding back.
Sure, I can understand that. And I'm quite sure my H really has no idea what to do as I'm not prone to crying or to hysterics....I have to be really hurting to cry and he knows that, and right now he knows too that he's the cause of that hurt. Something I'm having to work on within myself is resisting the urge to push him away if he tries to comfort me (like last night), because he is the source of my pain.....and lemme tell ya, that one ain't easy, but I'm really working on it.
On a happier note!!! I forgot to tell everyone on the board (who I consider my friends) that I am finally going to do something for ME. This is something I don't generally do, I don't make time for "me", I don't do special things for "me". So I've finally decided...it's time to do something special for "me", something I've wanted to do for quite some time and have talked to a close friend of mine about for almost 20 years.....we've talked and talked and talked about this, but never did anything about it so I've decided it's high time we did! My best friend and I are taking a trip to London this spring, just the two of us....a girl's week away for fun! No kids, no hubbies...just us, two red-heads loose in another country! I can't wait!!! LOL
I seem to have pulled myself out of my funk, one more time...and am back to trying different things to see how my H reacts.
Last night I sent him a simple text message on his phone...something we never do, don't ask me why...we just don't. A simple text message to him while he was at work that said... "xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx all over your body....YUM!" really, that's all it said, not terribly erotic or risque'...pretty darned tame actually. I received a phone call not 5-minutes after I sent it from a very happy sounding hubby...."interesting" I thought to myself.
Then last night....when he got home I got a great big kiss and a "thank you for sending me that message". Now, I won't lie...I was hoping something would happen, but I do know my H well enough to know, he's just not into ML that late at night, when he's tired and has been sweaty all day...so I wasn't disappointed when he said "I'd let you kiss me all over but I'm all sweaty....but how about tomorrow night?"
It was simply a very intersting exchange....it was very obvious my H really liked my little message and had been thinking about it all evening. Perhaps I'll try another this evening
GEL... I like the way you reached out to H in a playful way when he least expected it. Sometimes I stand in my "justified" corner of hurt when I know it would take just a little something to turn things around, something that makes my H feel he's still wanted despite all the yuck stuff between us.
