Regarding crying and comforting: When my bf and I did the UL workshop and he was the guinea pig for the Vertical Drop, the content was how bad he feels when I cry. (This topic came up briefly on the board a while ago.) Apparently seeing me cry and knowing (or thinking) that it is something he has done or at least that there's nothing he can do about it totally paralyzes him in a state of unbearable helplessness and frustration.
In the Vertical Drop you allow yourself to BE with the feeling you have been fleeing and it can feel like approaching a fire with the intention of sticking your hand in it. As I stood with him in front of the class and he got closer and closer to imagining me crying (I wasn't even REALLY crying!) he broke out in a sweat, he teared up, he was turning red, and shaking.
I was touched but also incredulous that my crying should be the cause of so much distress. It's more understandable if it's over something he's done, but when we brought my dog Jessica's body home from the vet to bury her, I was also sobbing and wailing and it had nothing to do with him, but he was still beside himself. He also does not comfort me, and we've only discussed it briefly. He says he doesn't know what "the right thing to do" is.
Personally I say try something and see how I react-- arm around me, saying "sorry, honey," or something! I think one of the posters on this board said when this subject came up that when their spouse was upset and crying he figured the best thing was to "give her some space" and not approach at all. I think I would only do that after attempting some sort of comforting. I'd rather err on the side of reaching out than on the side of holding back.
