Y'all have a terrific counselor-- and you covered all this ground in an hour? Fantastic.
I, too, struggle with my bf imagining his mom's and his ex's words coming out of my mouth when I have never said those things. I'll say something in a very mild tone of voice and he'll think he's repeating what I said back to me, but it will be in a very sarcastic, flouncy, ultimatum-ish kind of way. I guess he really does hear it that way. For instance, I learned a while back that the phrase "why don't you" followed by any request for action, no matter how benign or innocuous, is a major, flame-throwing, nuclear-tipped hot button. When he hears the phrase "why don't you," he shoots first and asks questions later. That has eased since he's been going to the C, however I still wince when I accidentally use it... I'm like Pavlov's dogs-- very easily trained.
Your H's reaction to "I can't live like this indefinitely" reminds me of Mrs. Hairdog's position that she has to KNOW that Hairy unconditionally accepts her perennial "no" in order for her to EVER consider saying yes. A real Catch-22.
It is a bit of a catch-22...but I did manage to counteract part of that by telling him he could prevent that by fulfilling SOME of my needs....my whole list doesn't need to be checked off in order for me to stay. In fact I think my words to him were..."some of my needs.....any, of my real needs that I've outlined to you." LOL
And yes, we do have an excellent therapist; I'd highly recommend her to anyone in our area. We both really like and respect her. We did manage to cover quite a bit of ground this time, as well as, last time. But I'm finding that we are now concentrating much more on the actual issue too...instead of dancing around it.
Yes, I noticed GEL's husband's take on the "can't take this indefinitely" comment. And his negative spin. Very similar to my W's reactions.
I have found that backing off of the "I will not live in a sexless marriage forever" statement has improved her mood very much, and seems to be helping our day-to-day interactions.
I'm still not getting laid, but, damn, I feel good about it.
Just kidding. I'm still working on it, and I'm going to work my damndest to make this marriage a pleasant place to be.
Quote: I have found that backing off of the "I will not live in a sexless marriage forever" statement has improved her mood very much, and seems to be helping our day-to-day interactions.
I'm still not getting laid, but, damn, I feel good about it.
LOL!
TBH, I don't know. With my W, it seems a lot of her LD is an anxiety / pressure issue. So threatening her that "I can't deal with this indefinately" will prolly send her down the wrong road. She says she hates herself for having a LD, but that she can't help it. I am actually trying my best to get the pressure off while at the same time making her feel how it is important to me, but that I don't mind in which form she gives me intimacy. I would be happy without ML for longer periods if there was a substituter for it, eg intense snuggles, some regular tlc initiated by her, etc.
It sounds like GEL took good notes. I wonder if her H has a similar impression of what went on at the session. GEL, do you think he might agree to write down what he got out of the session? You could literally compare notes.
Here's hoping the schedule leads to some good times.
I doubt he would agree to writing down his impressions...he stated in our session that he doesn't have a favorable view of "homework", which is how he viewed the C's assignments....writing down his impressions would also be considered "homework" in his perspective.
I will try though to get his perspective to pass on to you.
Actually, it's not so much that I take good notes (although that's part of what I do in my job LOL)...it's more that it was very fresh in my mind...I wrote my post right after returning from our session.
I relayed to you guys yesterday the gist of our counseling session...which was a toughie! I believe I've mentioned before that I HATE it when I end up crying #1 because I hate to break down in front of people, #2 because I hate that someone I love is hurting me to the point that I do break down....and #3, least importantly I hate that my nose turns beet red and I get all puffy when I cry
Anyway...yesterday during our session I did. Apparantly (although you couldn't tell during our session) this really bothered my H. Our C did mention his discomfort, I guess he was a bit visually uncomfortable....but it came across more as defensive in appearrance....anyway she did mention it...and also mentioned that he made no effort whatsoever to try to comfort me. To be fair I can kind of understand why he might not have as well....I mean, I had pretty much worked my way into the corner on the couch in a way to distance myself from him since he was hurting me....I don't think I could have gotten much further away from him and still been on the same piece of furniture...unless I'd crawled under a cushion.
Anywhoie! My H is on night shift right now...so we didn't speak at all again until he returned home last night around 11:30pm. He came in, climbed in bed next to me pulled me over to him and just kind of held/hugged me for a bit. Finally he told me how sorry he was that he made me cry, that it really bothered him and that he'd been thinking about that all afternoon/evening.
Now this is not something my H would normally do. Sure, he might think about it quite a bit, but I'd never know about it because he'd never give me any indication it even crossed his mind. I really appreciated the gesture, especially since our main portion of our conversation in our C's office was regarding....him not communicating his thoughts or feeling to me and leaving me in the dark.
So, the weekend is coming up....I feel a bit of stress released from the past couple of days and I'm a bit more back to my normal, up-beat, somewhat twisted, and in general optimistic self.
GEL, sounds a bit liek an eye opener for your H perhaps? Maybe he knew that he was hurting your feelings, but actually seeing your cry and break down might have made it more 'real' for him? Often (LD) people suspect a lot of all the 'emotion' is simply a ploy to get more sex, some emotional form of blackmail. Like the difference between a little kid pressing some (fake) tears out of her eyes and stomping her feet begging for a cookie, or someone truly hurt beyond breaking point on an emotional level.
GEL: I mentioned about a month or so ago that I finally learned that when my wife cries during an argument, I'm not supposed to just sit there and let it happen. Although I really don't want to get close to her during these arguments because, well, instintively I think she might push me away or perhaps bonk me, she told me she just feels isolated from me and unloved when I don't try to comfort her.
Maybe the C telling him that he was being kind of a dick in failing to comfort you made an impression.
Why not test it out tonight? Start a fight, start crying, and see if he comforts you.
Oh believe me I understand what you are saying! I used to be LD, believe it or not....and can easily see myself thinking what you just wrote. Having been on both sides of the fence is part of my frustration today...I do see both sides...but I'm also able to see such a difference in myself looking back on the LD woman I used to be and comparing her to the more sexually confident HD woman I am today.....BIG difference.
I used to be LD, believe it or not....and can easily see myself thinking what you just wrote. Having been on both sides of the fence is part of my frustration today...I do see both sides...but I'm also able to see such a difference in myself looking back on the LD woman I used to be and comparing her to the more sexually confident HD woman I am today.....BIG difference.