Had another C session today and I think there might actually be a light at the end of the tunnel...somewhere.
Hopefully I'm right in thinking that finally we may be getting to the crux of our problems....my H actually agreed to scheduling one night for us a week (his own suggestion) and said that now he understood why I had initially suggested a "schedule".
During our session today I brought up the fact that our C's homework for us is NEVER followed-through on. We talk about doing what she asks of us during the session...but once we are out of there, absolutely nothing happens. I know I am partly responsible for that...but dang! I'm so tired of having to take the lead in EVERYTHING, I really need him to step up and start SOMETHING. I told my H that "that's" one of the reasons I don't feel like a priority and I don't feel he takes me seriously. I told him "we talk about us when we are in here with (therapist who will remain nameless)...but when you make no effort to do what she's suggested I feel like you don't take me and our problem seriously. We can't get rid of the huge white elephant sitting in the middle of our bed if we just look at it and go "shoo" but don't actually go so far as to get the elephant gun out (my H is a hunter) and say "get the HE** outta our bed!!!"
Our C has come to the conclusion that H is resisting because he's still expecting me to behave like the women from his past. He's still bringing up things that I thought we'd dealt with a long time ago...."You want all or nothing"...."it's your way or not at all"...."it has to be when you want it"....NONE of these things have I ever said to him, all of these things I have told him several times before I do not expect, these are all his XR's talking. I had to continually repeat to him throughout our session "I've never said those words to you have I?" To which he'd say "well no."
This was definitely a more heated session as we kind of went round and round about him not even telling me that he thinks about ML with me (whether we follow-through or not is another issue). At one point I told him "it would help me so much if you would just tell me that you think about it at the very least, but you don't." His response to that was "so you assume I don't."....to the negative, very defensively hence the following conversation....
H: Because I don't tell you I think about you, you assume I don't.
GEL: No, I didn't say that. I said, I don't know what you are thinking.
H: So you assume I don't think about it.
GEL: No, why would I assume you don't? I don't know what you are thinking because you don't tell me.
H: So, if you don't know that I am thinking about you, you assume I must not be?
GEL: No H....I don't know! I flat out don't know what you are thinking....there's a big freaking question mark above my head because for whatever reason you simply won't tell me....you withhold that information from me even though I've asked you to share it with me. It is not in my nature to assume the negative but you are trying to get me to say that I have, and THAT'S NOT ME!!! Sure, after awhile I wonder if you think about it, but since you've told me in the past that you DO occasionally think about it....why would I assume you don't? However, how can I know when you do if you don't share that with me?"
Our C noticed the very negative spin he was putting on this....and agreed he's withholding for some reason....even his posture became defensive during that brief conversation which she noticed. I felt like he was baiting me to say something one of the other women would have said....and I really resented that, and told him so.
I did at least get the opportunity once again to reiterate that it's not "my way or nothing" because he even flat-out said ...
H: "well what if I don't want to do it when yo want to?!"
GEL: "that's fine, we can compromise"
H:"Oh! And how do we compromise? Do it when you say so next time?!"
GEL: No, I don't expect you to perform on demand....heck I can't do that either. But at least if you tell me something like... "honey, I've had a really tiring day at work...earlier I was thinking about you and really wanted to come home tonight and ML to you...but now I'm just exhausted." That'd do wonders for me, I'd know you were thinking about me in that manner at the very least. And that would make it much easier for me to sit back and wait for a better opportunity for us, or to wait for you to come to me when you are in the mood. But you don't do that, you give me nothing in that manner....so I'm left not knowing anything.
H: Well I've been in the mood before and planned on doing something on those nights, but you always say something and ruin it.
GEL: How am I supposed to know you've been planning it if you NEVER give me any clues? You wait and wait and wait never saying anything to me, never giving me any inkling that you are thinking about ML later that night....eventually I'm bound to reach an emotional breaking point H and say something to you. I find it very convenient that everytime I've done that "that's" the night you were planning on doing something...but I ruin the big suprise for you. That just appears to make me a very convenient scapegoat.
During our exchanges I was so frustrated I was tearing up...our C noticed that too and commented on the fact that he did nothing to even try to comfort me. She explained to him that she believes that for some reason he is withholding himself emotionally....so we tried to delve into some of the possibilities in that area....is he afraid of me? Is he intimidated by me? Does he think I'm going to hurt him?
He did let us know though that he thinks my "I can't do this indefinitely" comment meant I was definitely going to leave him, which led the C to ask me to clarify....but she opened up the convo by saying "she hasn't said that here, in fact she keeps saying she's trying to avoid that." Which of course I agreed to...but added ""indefinitely" doesn't mean I'd leave tomorrow, next week, next month, next year....or even five years from now, I don't honestly know when that would happen...it would be when I reached my breaking point. It simply means that I cannot go on like this indefinitely, it's not a time line for you to meet. But I do know that someday if things don't change I would leave. I'd have to, to protect myself from further pain. Right now I'm having to stifle a large part of my personality, and it's a part of me I truly like....but I can't let her out, you won't let me. She's the person you fell in love with who is fun loving, spontaneous, easy going, funny, jovial, witty....but she's slowly smothering and that hurts too much! At some point, if things don't change I would leave because I won't give that person up....I worked too long to become her and I like her too much....without her I'm dry, moody, too serious, and humorless....does that person sound like much fun to live with?"
That was pretty much at toward the end of our session...and lately those sessions are getting harder and harder....but it's eventually going to be worth it in the long-run. I know I saw a few lightbulbs go off over my H's head....and our C is really getting a true grasp I believe of where our problems lay. It was after we left the session and were driving back to his car that he brought up "the schedule" again.
Interestingly enough when our H told him (and she did say this, not that I hold much credence to it as I don't buy "normal")....most couples (of our ages) ML on average 2x a month (ok guys don't slam me on this, this is just what she said)....this caused my H's eyebrow to arch and he actually said, that'd be like every other week! In a way that sounded like he didn't think that was very much at all...so when he brought up the "schedule" he suggested every Sunday.
So who knows? Hopefully some of this sunk in for him.
