This is one time that I did NOT want to be right, lol.
You are such an amazing person. Rather than flying off the deep end, you are looking for the positives--that he has a deep sexual side and is scared to show you and dipped his toe in at the C session to see what you'd do.
Two handy and free programs Ad-Aware SE Personal Edition 1.06 at Download.com and Pop-Up Stopper Free Edition 3.1.101 Pop-up stopper also at Download.com
They don't catch everything but the do help.
GEL I am getting the feelings like you have but for different reasons. Having to bring all of the heat to a relationship wears one out sometimes.
Hairdoggie....My gut (which I've learned to listen to) says he's just looking at women, not necessarily looking to hookup...just at the pics. I don't think this is naive of me to think either....however, just to cover the bases I made it quite clear to him what the consequences would be if I found out I was wrong....as I mentioned.
I also made it clear to him that I truly don't have a problem with him viewing porn (as I'm not a prude), heck I've looked at it myself...watched movies, and enjoy erotic literature....as long as that's not his exclusive form of sexual activity and I'm not excluded, which I have been up to this point......BUT, if he chooses to do that it needs to be sites that are not directed at "hooking up"....that, I'm not going to tolerate....period! I've also made it clear that if he does need that type of stimulation to get going then I would like for him to work on sharing it with me...instead of hiding it from me....and reminded him, hiding it leads me to believe you are ashamed of it or you are doing something wrong.
Thanks for the input guys! GEL
It's not necessary for me to have him show me his yahoo mail....he knows I know better than what he's told me, once I called him out on the fact that I knew he had to have gone there intentionally he backed down from that story....he knows I'm no fool on that end. And don't forget....I do have a keystroke tracker, which he is unaware of, I can easily find out EXACTLY where he's been.
Those two programs are another reason I don't buy his "Pop-up" story...I installed those long ago However, I do know he disables those programs when doing his on-line gaming...so they aren't much good at times like that and I've often watched him go from his games out to the web to surf different things with those disabled....wouldn't be a far stretch to think that's what he'd done there.
Green I am sorry you have found out he was going to that site. I know how you must feel. It does hurt to know our LD husbands would go to a site like that when they have such low drives. Unless it is just me but it hurts and confuses me.
If you remember that is the exact site my husband was going to. I called him on it and he tried to make excuses also. But he knows I am a computer savy so also backed down from original story of just a pop up. A few things I know is that site is real. People can e-mail you that are local. I had to find out so one day I registered at the site. I only registered to see for myself if it was real. Because I am surely not looking and would never look on line. I didn't even pay for a membership let me mention. Well, within one day I had several e-mails from men. One of them li\sted a phone number. Skeptical yet again that maybe it could be just a porn site or something similar I called the phone number from a pay phone as to be anonymous. And just asked are you so and so who e-mailed me on adultfriend. And he was like yes do you want to hook up. I hung up instantly. I told my husband about everything I did to prove a point that this site was real and totally not proper or moral for a married man to be going to.
So that site is real. Maybe you could find out if he registered and created a screen name. It would be in his e-mail if he did because they give you a password.
You mean he hasn't tried to intiate sex at all even considering how unhappy and hurt you have been?
Thanks for the info, but I am aware this is a real site...and I intend to keep an eye on things to find out if it #1 continues, #2 he actually corresponded with anyone...I have the ability to find those things out....and just in case I have been checking his cell phone activity online, which I'm glad to report has no suspicious activity on it....if it did I'd not hesitate to pick up the phone and start dialing numbers. As I told him last night....I will not be played for a fool!
And no he hasn't initiated anything...so the proverbial ball is in his court so-to-speak.
This is just an off-the-wall, off-the-top-of-my-head, and other similar off-expressions... but what if you did a 180 on this? Policing him is so icky (almost as icky as his behavior ).
What he is doing has such a flavor of "adolescent rebellion" about it. "She tells me not to do this? Who does she think she is? I'll do what I want, and mommy can't stop me," or something equally creepy.
How do you think he would respond if you said something like, "I've established to my satisfaction that you are hiding some internet behavior from me. I'm not your mother and you don't need to rebel. You're a grown man and I have no desire to check every day to make sure you've cleaned your room and eaten your vegetables. From now on, I wash my hands of your online activity. Know that my saying this is an indication that emotionally I am one more step removed from this relationship. I don't want to withdraw, but you have given me no choice. These are the consequences of your behavior. If you want different results, then change your behavior. And do it in such a way that I can see the changes."
His hiding and your checking up on him sets up such an adversarial structure. I'm not sure you can get to a good place from there. Just a thought.
I'm probably not doing this quite the way you described...but, what I have done (to date anyway) is tell him basically what you have stated (not quite that way, but in my own way pretty close). At this point I'm not going to police his activity....unless I feel it necessary to find out if someone else is involved at a future date KWIM?
My gut says there's not someone else and that this activity is simply a turnon for him.....so right now I'm trying to HOM and call him on the behavior. I'm sure I could use suggestions as to how to handle it...so I'll certainly keep your 180 in mind and think about it.....thanks!
As you all know things haven't been going all that well in the Lass household lately....sex has definitely been scarce and I've felt my H resisting things big time....
With that said, I finally had enough this weekend. Last night we had to attend a wedding for one of my H's co-workers....I just found it too sad and couldn't stand it. Then of all things we go to see "Wedding Crashers" afterwards (which by the way is really funny!"....I couldn't get our situation off my mind. This morning I woke up already in a bit of a foul mood...as it was the only day of the week I could sleep in and my cat wouldn't let me, then I got up to make a fruit smoothie for my breakfast....and ended up with blackberries/blueberries/bannanas all over my kitchen floor when the bottom of the blender fell off....yeah! I guess I just snapped....I looked at my H (who was trying to help me clean up the mess) and said "I'm going to ask you something, that may see completely off the wall...but I need to know." He just kind of looked at me like....uh oh! I asked him...."Are you going to wait for me to finally walk out the door before you do something?"....and at that point me, emotionally strong, GEL broke down and just started sobbing. He looked at me and said "No, I'm not going to do that" and came over to give me a hug....he started to get a bit defensive too and said "well I was planning on doing something tonight"....to which I kind of pushed him away and said "do you know how many times I've heard that?! I've been telling you what I need and you keep telling me you're going to fix things.....but you never do anything about it. Do you know how lonely I feel? Do you know how rejected I feel? You've said you do, but I find that hard to believe now...because if you really did you wouldn't do this to me. I have had someone pick the easy way out before (my XH who picked alcohol over me) and I feel like that's happening all over again....and I can't take that!!! Do you want me to leave? If so just say so...because right now that's exactly how I feel...you want me to go, but you don't have the guts to tell me so."
He was really quite through all of this...and let me tell you folks I'm not a crier...but I was sobbing. He hugged me and said "I'm not going anywhere."...to which I replied...."I said I feel like you want ME to go...not that you were intending on going anywhere." He thought a second and said (when he realized what I was saying) "No! I don't want you to go! Not ever!!!!"......all I could say to that was "then you've got to do something, I can't do this anymore." He told me he would....and all I could reply was "you told me that over a year ago, so what's going to be different now?" All I got was "I won't let that happen."
So....I'm not getting my hopes up...I don't really feel this is going to change much....but lemme tell you folks I'm getting much better at saying EXACTLY what I mean to say...even if it is through tears.
Hi GEL... I am sorry you had to get to such a breaking point, but as you know, sometimes that is what's necessary in order to get things to change. It sounds like he really does not want to lose you...hopefully he will take some steps in the right direction. Hang in there...when is the next C session?
However, I do know he disables those programs when doing his on-line gaming...so they aren't much good at times like that and I've often watched him go from his games out to the web to surf different things with those disabled....wouldn't be a far stretch to think that's what he'd done there.
I know how you must feel. It does hurt to know our LD husbands would go to a site like that when they have such low drives. Unless it is just me but it hurts and confuses me.
I didn't even pay for a membership let me mention. Well, within one day I had several e-mails from men. One of them li\sted a phone number. Skeptical yet again that maybe it could be just a porn site or something similar I called the phone number from a pay phone as to be anonymous. And just asked are you so and so who e-mailed me on adultfriend. And he was like yes do you want to hook up. I hung up instantly. I told my husband about everything I did to prove a point that this site was real and totally not proper or moral for a married man to be going to.
). 