I don't know for sure that he did anything other than take those pictures of himself. Those may have involved no one other than himself...I guess to clarify that situation I should say....at the time I found those he was still maintaining he never thought about sex at all....those pictures proved that untrue as he was as aroused as a many physically could be.
However, I do think you are definitely on to something on the rest of your post. I really do think he's receiving exactly what he needs by my pursuing him....but now that I'm telling him to step up or he'll eventually lose me he's being forced to have to deal with what probably is a very awkward side of him. I guess for me, at this point, he has to figure out if it's worth dealing with that awkward side or not....I can't do that for him, and I can't make him do it...he will have to make the choice to do this himself.
I'm hoping he chooses to finally face it and reap the rewards....I've promised to make it worthwhile for him
Initially, I felt safe with him because I felt I was in control, but over time, my sexuality changed to wanting to feel more of a " manly" presence in my life.
This sounds a lot like me (I'm the man). I think that's what my wife wants, but I'm just naturally shy and anxious, it's hard to simply "sprout testosterone". Believe me, I'd like nothing more... But anyway, what could your husband do to be more "manly"?
Do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/ubbthreads/showflat.php?Cat=&Board=UBB24&Number=896649&fpart=&PHPSESSID=
Well things are beginning to get interesting around our house. After our C session my H still hasn't really done anything...if he follows his normal routine, he'll wait til this weekend BUT something disturbing happened last night.
When I arrived home from work my H was on the computer (not unusual)....and shut down the screen as soon as he realized I was walking through the door. However he wasn't quick enough for me not to notice what he had been doing...he was in his Yahoo mail. He knows I view his instantly shutting down a browser screen as suspicious behavior because I have told him so in the past...there's been a couple of times he's done that and I've told him "when you do that it appears as though you are hiding something from me, if you aren't afraid or ashamed of me seeing what you are doing....why shut down the screen?" Well this hadn't happened in awhile, until last night...and to be completely honest, until last night I didn't really get a good view at what was on the screen.
He and I got to chatting a bit about the day...and I hopped online quickly to check my own e-mail...and to see if there were any updates on here. Well long story shorter....I hit the history button and what popped up? SEVERAL links to ads on adultfriendfinder....he happened to walk up behind me when I was clicking on the links to see exactly what had been on the screen....needless to say I was none too happy about it. As he walked up behind me I very calmy asked...."what's this?" I got the normal "I don't know"....which (IMPO) I didn't let him get away with. I told him...H, this is the type stuff that makes me ANGRY and suspicious, I walk in, you shut the screen down to hide what you're looking at....and then I find this?! And I wasn't even snooping. (He's admitted before he couldn't hide anything on the computer from me if he wanted to.)
He explained to me (which I'm not sure I buy at this time) that he had been checking his e-mail and kept getting pop-up screens from this site. He kept asking if I was ok, to which I never said yes...because I wasn't. At that point he had been trying to tell me he hadn't done anything they just popped up.
Now, being as I'm not an idiot and am computer savvy....I let him stew on the fact that I had found this on the puter for about 15 minutes or so....I didn't say anything more, never lost my temper, but did turn fairly chilly I know, I couldn't help that. At one point...he came to sit by me on the couch where I was staring at something on tv....and I said...."Ok, you said you aren't surfing that site looking for someone (he did say that)...but I'm going to tell you right now....you had to have clicked on something to get those.....ALL OF THOSE pages to pop up....don't believe I'm going to buy that they all just spontaneously popped up on their own without you having done something to initiate it." At that point he did tell me that there were messages in his inbox that he thought might have come from people he knew at work or from camp....I looked at him quite skeptically and said.....so have you given that e-mail address out to people recently? If you haven't.....then why would you be opening e-mail from people you don't know....or from addresses you don't recognize, that's how viruses are sent and you know it.
Now being as I said I'm not an idiot before (most of the time)...I do know that you can get mouse-trapped...when one porn site pops up it traps you and start popping up everytime you try to shut one down it can be a pain to get out of. But my gut and instinct tells me this isn't what happened.
So I wrapped up the convo (which in total ended up being very short, no tempers....just plain facts) by telling him..."Ok, I've told you in the past if it looks like a duck, and quacks like a duck....it's most likely a duck. How does this look to you?" He replied, "it doesn't look good "quack", but I promise there is no one else and I'm definitely not looking, I love you." I told him flat out, very calmly....."no it doesn't look good at all, and "if" I find out that there is someone else after everything I've gone through....THAT would be the worst possible thing you could do to me and we would be over." He tried to assure me that, he's not looking for anyone else and there is no one else. My gut/instincts...whatever you want to call it...says this is probably true, I don't really believe there is anyone else. But, what I do believe is that he is looking at things on the internet for his sexual fix (see Honeypot...your gut was right I believe).
Now, if he's looking at porn on the internet, fine...don't hide it from me, I'm no prude.....and DON'T be looking at the sites where people do cruise for hookups! "If" he does need some artificial stimulation like that, fine...I'm ok with that....as long as it's not exclusively the only way in which he becomes aroused....he might find if he'd share that with me a bit, things might just naturally roll over into our own bedroom behaviors.
Oh the fodder for our next C session! LOL
I'm a firm believer that things usually get worse before they get better....and I believe this may be the tip of the proverbial iceburg. I've also had the thought this morning, since our C asked my H in our session the other day if he thought his sexual turnons would repulse/disgust me....and he said "I don't think so"......if this wasn't a subconcious/or perfectly diliberate way of beginning to introduce to me what it is he's into......to kind of stick his toe in the water and see how I'd react. I dunno, just a thought.
GEL... My feeling is that you have been able to unlock and stir things up enough for this bit of the puzzle to come out. Time for H to leave fantasy escapism and get real with you. Once again, I admire how you have conducted yourself. Lottsa hugggggggs....will keep checking in on your thread.
Whoah. Tough evening. You did a great job and you are a far better woman than I. My H makes a lot of "jokes" about computer porn and jacking off. He has made it perfectly clear that he considers that normal male behavior (I'm sure it certainly is given that he has only had two lovers and never even lived with a woman until me and he was 36yo at the time - had to deal with horniness somehow). I pretend that this is ok with me and to some extent it is. Ex-H had his magazines and it honestly didn't bother me very much. However, current H works from home and spends long hours on his computer. Current H doesn't provide nearly the level of frequency or desire that ex-H did. You couldn't pay me to live with ex-H but I didn't ever have the feeling that he chose the "girlie mags" over me. So...I get internally b*tchy about the porn and occasionally make remarks that let H know that I don't like it even though in theory I have no "problem" with it.
GEL - do you suspect that your H has done anything more than look at the pix? Do you think he chats with anyone or something of that nature?
Okay, GEL. I think your instincts are good. There are so many easy porn sites to surf out there, why bother with AFF.com to look at grainy pix? A couple of possibilities, 1) your looking for a bimbo nearby to hook up with; 2) you get off on looking at women who are possibly local, and fantasizing about hooking up with them.
If it's #1, he has to stop. And if it's #2, uh, he has to stop. Because it's not that hard to go from #2 to #1. If you're already familiar with surfing AFF, think how easy it will be to go there after a fight with your spouse, and to do something to "get back at them."
I'm not an anti-porn militant, as some people are. If he wants to look at it to "prime the pump," I see no problem there. Oh sure, if it becomes the only way he can get going, or he loses interest in you because you don't have a porn star's body, or won't do some of the weird things porn stars do, then yes, it's a problem. So let him surf porn. Just not AFF.
And if he's so insistent about his "pop-up" story, tell him to put his money where his mouth is and show you his Yahoo mail. Look at the trash, look at the the "sent" folder. You know the drill. look for email from AFF. Find out if he has a log-in name.
It sucks to be you, right now, GEL. I hope you find out that everything is cool and that your life gets better soon.
