GEL... I've no advice to give because you are handling everything so well...I am impressed with your patience and ability to communicate what you want in such a civil way! One positive thing about going through all this that you really start to define exactly what it is that you need.
When you met your H, what was the dynamic like? Did you pursue him more or the other way around?
My H says he doesn't remember sending those pictures to anyone, but the nature of the pictures looked like that was the intent...he may not have ever sent them, but I believe he did (was obviously taken with his webcam) and just won't say he did. But that's really neither here nor there, my intent wasn't to get him to confess what he did with them or why he took them (remember those were prior to our R).....but more to call BULL! on his past proclimations that he's just not very sexual....or like he used to say...."I just don't even think about it."
My H does enjoy deep kissing, but doesn't do it often...that is one of the things that does rev his engine that I use when I initiate. Our C even asked him yesterday if he thought if he let out his sexual side if he thought he'd run me off....his response was "I don't know." I hate that answer, but it was an interesting one to that question, because I fully expected him to say "No."
That response led our C to ask if he found certain things stimulating that he thought might turn me off or disgust me too....he said " I don't think so." Hmmmmmmm As our C said...he's got modesty in overkill LOL. When she said that I looked at him and told him....I used to be very modest...he laughed at me and said "You?!" My response was...."yes, me....but I had someone who was patient with me and who didn't judge me which allowed me to get to where I am now.....you're fortunate, you have the same thing." I left it at that.
Excellent, excellent answer GEL. He is fortunate to have you.
In my case, H isn't even aware that I came across that poem on his computer. The R that it came from was more than 10 years before ours and is one that H looks back on very fondly. It was prudent to leave well enough alone. My question (like yours) was whether H felt more free to be sexual in another R. I don't have the answer but I kinda don't think so. Your H might have sent those pix but then again he might have taken them with the intention of sending them and chickened out in the same way he doesn't let the "cat out of the bag" about his sexuality in your R. KWIM?
Thanks for your kind words. I'm not feeling all that particularly patient at the moment though LOL. But we all have that breaking point to our patience.
When I met my H he was a perfect gentleman. He would do many things that one would expect of a man...kissing, petting etc, we didn't ML until we were into the R for almost 2-months. Much of that was my own doing, I didn't want to rush...and thought he was being a gentleman by not pushing me. The 1st month or so things were really pretty good...he initiated, so did I.....then he was fired (got his job back though) and things started going downhill sexually for awhile...which was easy to excuse due to the stress. When he got his job back....well it only took once and along came our S LOL. So to be quite frank, I've only really known him to be fairly sexual for a short time of our R.....but it's as if he's even forgotten about what it was like in the beginning, until I reminded him.
Of course our C asked him if he viewed me as a "mother" since I gave birth to our S...he said no, and that he does think about sex.....just doesn't act on it, doesn't know why.
Have you ever snooped to see what his activities are on there?
The pictures clearly illustrate that he's a horny guy with normal-to-kinky tendencies. He has shown this side to people before, although it coulda been just strangers and a webcam instead of real life people.
Honestly, I've always been suspicious of his claim that he is asexual because other women turned him down. It seems incongruous with his behavior now. If he wanted sex but seemed gunshy, then that would 'fit'. But nothing fits with him!
I think you are just scratching the tip of the iceberg. Keep it up...it sounds like it will take you some interesting places!
Yes, I've snoooped...I'm the computer wiz he couldn't hide anything from me if he wanted to on the puter. I have access to all the software for tracking his movements....and at one point, when I was ruling out the possibility of OW, did track without his knowledge....nothing ever popped up that would have been out of the ordinary....no red flags, which really did surprise me. I truly thought that if nothing else, I'd find he'd been visiting porn sites or something....but nothing.
I agree with you though, I think we are at the tip of an iceburg. I may be suprised at what he eventually reveals to me, if he does....then again he might be surprised to find...I'm not surprised at all, and am in fact open to many things he might think would shock me LOL. I think he has this misperception of me as being a prim-proper woman.
GEL... Do you feel that your H has a strong need to feel desired? I know my H had a tendency to pick strong women who were very into him, but then dumped him when he became ambivalent about them. Not that he had a lot of experience, mind you...I was his third girlfriend. But his method of seduction was to draw them ( and me) in through an alluring friendship, never really putting himself out there. He'd get confused and lost and they were outta there. I guess with me he got to a point where he didn't want to lose another gf...also, I can be compellingly pushy,lol. Initially, I felt safe with him because I felt I was in control, but over time, my sexuality changed to wanting to feel more of a " manly" presence in my life.
I think my H never put himself out there because it would take away from his fantasy of really being desired and also he would have to face up to the reality of his awkwardness. I wonder if your H really did anything real with those pictures. My h also defends himself from being selfishly aggressive. Too bad, lol. It was a huge wake up call to me and to him that I had all these needs that were not being met.
Go to keylogpro.com this is a software I highly recommend! It's also great for those of you who have kids and want to make sure they aren't going places or doing things that could potentially be unsafe as well.
