Where to start on this update? Well, I guess I could just say that over the last few weeks I have really felt myself distancing from my H....something I know we've all gone through, or are going through, but try our darndest to fight against.
I'm by no means giving up....I've just reached a point where I simply don't have the energy to keep being the one to "initiate" whether it be sex or conversations about "us". Our C noticed that I appeared very down and of course asked about it....so I was completely honest and told both of them that yes, I have felt the distance growing lately between the two of us and that in many ways right now I'm having to protect myself because I'm still receiving constant rejection from him (whether he intends it or not) but now I have to protect myself from that rejection because it just hurts too much.
I explained to my H that I'm the one always doing the pursuing so that means I'm never pursued myself.....I get to run around in circles after him, but I never get to change direction and be chased myself.....and I've HAD IT with being the sexual aggressor 100% of the time. It's unfair and unrealistic of him to expect me to maintain those warm fuzzy feelings for him if he won't meet me at least half-way.....and because he's not meeting me at all and I have to always go 100% to him....that emotional connection is fading.
Our C remembered me talking about what happens when I distance myself from a past session....and asked me to refresh that topic. So I told them point-blank, when I begin pulling back as I am now, in the past R's I've been in, that has been the beginning of the end of the R. My H just looked at me very defensively (almost angry)....and I said "you can't say you didn't know that, I've told you this before just as I am now, and that's why I've also told you if you want to keep me around you want to avoid that. I've also told you I cannot do this indefinitely without receiving something back."
I could tell by the look on his face that he thought I was going to drop the "D" bomb on him....which I wasn't. But I did tell him that "unless you will step up and do what it is I really need of you I feel this is the beginning of the end, but you need to know that I do love you and I want to avoid that possible eventuality." Those were tough words to say....but he needs to know that's truly where I stand and that he can avoid that if he really wants to.
He told me that he had been doing things and that he felt like I expected "all or nothing", so I asked him to clarify "all or nothing".....his response was that he felt I expected him to do everything I've asked of him right now and that if he didn't it was over. I was glad he told me that because that gave me the opportunity to say "no, that's not it at all. I've appreciated the things you have done, the little shows of affection, trying to spend more time with me etc.....the problem is you do just enough that I feel you think "ok she can see some progress here" and then you stay there....you go no further, then you slip back into your old behavior for a bit....then when I bring up my needs again, you go back to the little things you had been doing again. But what you don't do is what I've told you I really need. Those things that you have done go hand-in-hand with the things I "need" of you, so they are certainly appreciated efforts. But you still go no further." It's like I've drawn a line in the sand and said "honey I really need you to be over here with me but you refuse to even stick one little toe over that line."
Later on our C brought up the "communication" issue....and the fact that he doesn't talk about sex etc....to which we received his "well I've just never talked about that stuff." I reitereated, "I know you've never done that, but we need to....or how am I going to learn what you need if you won't tell me? How are we going to work past this if you won't talk about the biggest issue we have? I can't tell you how tired I am of hearing "I just don't talk about it!" When you say that to me it comes across so emphatically that it sounds like "I just don't talk about that stuff, never have....never will!" Which lead to...a conversation about the fact that I feel he's resisting what I'm asking him to do....our C picked up on that quickly. I even actually told him that I felt like he knew what I wanted, he's told me so plenty of times....so now I feel, especially with his comments about not talking about stuff....that his stance is one of....I know what you want, but I'm going to be damned if I'm going to do it! This took him off guard.....and did make him think, especially since our C called him on that and let him know that there does appear to be something unidentified at this point that is making him resist.
So...off of my venting session....and onto some more positive spins on the session.....although, in all honesty I do feel the whole session was quite productive.
My H did have a tough time with it, but we did get into a conversation towards the end that was much more graphic in nature. Trying to find out what really does turn him on sexually speaking...whether it's porn, erotic literature, a specific type of clothing etc.....which led to me bringing up something that has always stayed with me and bothered me since I found it. A little over 2-years ago (I've mentioned this before) I found pictures of my H on our computer (from before we met) that showed him in a complete state of arousal. I wasn't upset that these pictures existed, or that he might have even sent them to another woman before me.....what upset me was he's never showm ME this side of him.......so we touched on that topic. I explained again to him....it hurts me to know that yes, you do have this side to you, but you won't share it with me....because having seen those pictures now, I can't forget them, so I'm constantly reminded that you won't share that with me. Which led to a conversation about what does/what doesn't turn him on.....so now at least I have gotten a little bit of info out of him on that front.
One thing I did find very interesting that my H said towards the end of our session too was (if I can remember how he put it) was basically that he's now beginning to realize what's affecting our M is in a large part his "fault" (not that I would have used that word) and that this could have affected his previous R's too. Could have knocked me over with a feather on that one....I have suspected for quite some time that his behavior might have been a large contributor to the demise of his past R's, but I guess I never really expected he's cop to it.
You might think that after all I said in the office my H would have been really peeved at me last night, but he wasn't....fortunately we were able to walk out of her office with no hostility. I'm just really hoping that my H is hearing what I'm saying and really paying attention to me...I think he is, but only time will really tell.
Well, I'm sure there's MUCH I've leaving out here...just because it was a jammed packed session with me really basically just being bare-boned honest. Now I don't think there's one thing I've wanted to say, that I've been afraid to say to my H, that needed to be said to my H...that hasn't been.
WHEW! GEL - just a tad bit war weary, but ever hopeful!
