Are you sure you're not reading my mind? I have had the exact same thoughts & feelings, although the shoes are on the other feet in our cases.
Ironically enough, the last time I had sex was after a Dr. Phil episode back in Dec. 03, where he had couples on that were having sexual problems. My wife watched it and I think that some realization occurred about what the impact of a sexless marriage was to the partner who actually wanted sex. Unfortunately, the heightened level of awareness didn't seem to last....
I know it's small comfort, but at least your spouse is actively participating in the process of trying to solve the problem. I have twice gone to counselors, but cannot convince my W to be involved. Somehow, sharing the problems through this messageboard seems to help, even if it doesn't directly affect our spouses.
I believe anyone who is HD married to an LD spouse has had the same thoughts we have, what we are thinking is perfectly normal.
The problem I'm currently experiencing, is that my H does "appear" to be participating....but only to the extent that he is comfortable with...and that right there my friend is where we get stuck. He just doesn't stick his little toe (or whatever) across that invisible line that separates what he's doing in our R from what I need him to do...he remains in his comfort zone. Sure he does some things that I used to think were efforts on his part...and to some extent they absolutely were...but they were efforts he was comfortable making....not really attempts at addressing the problem, merely attempts at placating me for a time.
This past week or so during our vacation and the few days following I realized it's time to shake things up a bit again...it's time for him to get a reality check again. He was becoming comfortable in the fact that he was going to a C with me, talking a bit, and doing some small things affection-wise....so I must be ok with things now.....which obviously I'm not.
So right now...were at a point where our communication has really improved....but we're stuck at a point where he won't really go that extra to do what it will take to really fill my needs. And at this point the ball is in his court....all I can do is encourage him.
Welcome back from vacation. They always go by too quickly, don’t they? Or do they?
About your sitch, expecting to ML on vacation, especially a vacation w/o kids along is bottom line to my way of thinking. A vacation with your spouse alone is meant to be, in my mind at least, a R builder, and what better way to construct the R than ML? I empathize with you for your experience. I don’t know if I could have kept my cool though until the vacation was over and we made it back to the MC office. But I’m the HDH, not the HDW and I respect what it is that you are striving for in your R, HIM taking the initiative.
In our R, when on vacation, I have had many frustrating experiences such as she comes down with a cold on day 2, she has her period and sex is totally out of the question for the week, etc. And it takes a long time to get over the no sex vacation. Another variation is we actually do ML say maybe 3 times in 2 days and she tells me that I wear her out.
Since vacations do seem to replay in our memory banks more frequently than work weeks gone by, and you presented a strong case at the MC’s office shortly after the vacation of what you found lacking on his part, I can only hope for your sake that as he replays the vacation memories in his mind, he connects your statements at the MC’s office and comes to grip with the events of the vacation and all the missed opportunities that he chose not to ML. These are not comforting thoughts.
Vacations can get expensive. Yet the best parts can come for free if both partners are in the mood or at least willing. Take a look at GeekSpeak’s post about “Sex is Free” for a better understanding of that thought train. Example, when I went on vacation at Disney World with my W to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary without kids, even Space Mountain or Sumit Plumit at Blizzard Beach couldn’t compare to the night she RODE ME in our hotel room.
Quote: Example, when I went on vacation at Disney World with my W to celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary without kids, even Space Mountain or Sumit Plumit at Blizzard Beach couldn’t compare to the night she RODE ME in our hotel room.
Weber: is that ride available only to holders of the Disney Magic Your Way Hopper Ticket? (And I don't mean Space Mountain or Summit Plummet.)
Thanks for the input. Actually, I wasn't intentionally trying to hold on to myself until we had our C appointment, it just came out there. My feelings were hurt so badly that I was actually trying to gather my thoughts...which does sometimes take me a few days....so I would say EXACTLY what I meant to say, so I wouldn't get flustered...or lose my nerve. We would have had a discussion about our vacation within the next day or so regardless...it just so happened that our C asked a question which gave me the opening and I took it. Although, I will admit there was a certain amount of comfort being in her office when I did do this...as she was able to validate my POV and explain to him, in sometimes better terms, why I feel how I do....and even give him scientific reasoning as to some of the chemicals lacking from the fullfillment of a good sexual encounter with someone you love that I'm lacking...which leads to a loss of the emotional connection....which leads to, in the long run....the end of the relationship, which is what we are striving to avoid.
I'm a reasonable person...I know it will take repetition and persistence to get him to really understand....and for the most part I'm willing to do what it takes. But, I'm no different than anyone else...I hit my slumps too. I'm by no means giving up, or hopeless....just a bit battle weary and need to regather the troups.
Sometimes counseling only introduces a topic. In practice it will take several more discussions to even get to the heart of the matter MUCH LESS achieve some level of understanding about it.
It is ok to take some time to re-group. Get a nice "beach read", put your feet up, get a glass of whatever sounds good and devour it this weekend.
I absolutely agree with you. I view what I did in the C's office as rattling his cage again and giving him another reality check. I intend to take it easy this weekend too...sit in the pool, and let my freckles play connect-the-dots LOL (that's about the only way this red-head looks tan LOL)...and watching my little boy just splash around to his hearts content!!! Taking it easy this weekend is an absolute must, especially since last weekend I was busy overseeing an Open House for 2,400 people....WHEW!!!!
Interestingly enough...since our C's appointment, my H has told me that we would make up for "lost time" this weekend....we'll see what happens. He's also pulled me over and plopped me down to sit on his lap a few times....affectionately, non-sexual....which is not typical behavior for him....so like I said, we'll see.
I think he became to comfortable with the fact that he was going to counseling so that should be enough for me to stay. Going to counseling is wonderful, don't get me wrong on that, but he has to do the work too...not just talk in the C's office and make little gestures. This past week I'm hoping was a wake-up call for him as I reminded him of what I said before....I wouldn't remain in a sexless marriage indefinitely.
So, he's had some stuff to think about....so we'll see what happens this weekend
Re: Greeneyedlass she was able to validate my POV and explain to him, in sometimes better terms, why I feel how I do....and even give him scientific reasoning as to some of the chemicals lacking from the fullfillment of a good sexual encounter with someone you love that I'm lacking...which leads to a loss of the emotional connection....which leads to, in the long run....the end of the relationship, which is what we are striving to avoid.
Way to go for your C. Some of us scientific guys need to work with actual body processes. I hope the above A leads to B and that leads to C sunk in. Do you consider your H a science or feelings guy? Maybe both.
If I were to make an educated guess I'd say he's more scientific in approach. He is an airline mechanic by profession, so it would be fairly reasonable to conclude that for him A-B=C, especially since he almost never lets his emotions out.
I was very pleasantly surprised at how our H handled the sitch. I was obviously very upset, I rarely cry...but was a bit. Here's something I forgot to mention earlier, but found quite interesting/frustrating too...when I finally finished saying what I needed to say, I apologized for "blind-siding" my H...because I kind of felt like I had just done that. Our C asked him if he felt lambasted or blind-sided...he said "no, he kind of expected it." I remember thinking things like that myself back when I was LD...I knew deep down inside I wasn't doing what I needed to for my H way back when....I constantly expected to have him say something to me about it too. I have NO doubt my H feels the same way....as do many LD spouses. He knows he's not meeting my needs....therefore he's not at all suprised when I do say something, he's expecting it.
Hmm, that IS food for thought. I gotta wonder if MrsGGB expects me to say something too? She didn't seem at all surprised when I initiated the talk Wed nite, nor the follow up last nite.
