Gel I just wanted to give you a wtg on the weight loss. But more so a slap on the back for the self accomplishment of being promoted into a more promising postition with in your career. Please celebrate this accomplishment, actually embrass your sucess as more then a accomplishment derive your own sense of self worth from it. It is awesome to see that with all your hurdles you are stradling that you are not only keeping pace but overcomming and taking the lead in many areas of your life. You seem to carry a strength within you that others lack.
First I'm going to say...I'm gonig to do a bit of venting here simply because I need to. Second, I'm going to state that I do believe this is temporary but right now I'm frustrated...as we all become at times.
It had been a few weeks since our las sexual encounter....and lets just say, this last one was definitely not one for my memoirs! Over the last few weeks it seems that he's doing the typical move back into the old behavior routine. Not that he's behaving completely like he did in the past...he's still doing better in the communication areas....but sexually speaking he's really not putting any effort at all in.
The other evening we were sitting watching one of the movies we had rented, I was freshly bathed, sitting in a red sating robe wearing his favorite perfume.....and all I heard was man I have a headache. Sure, he very well could have...he'd been outside all day and has allergies. So I suggested he take something, even offered to get him something....he said that he hadn't eaten much all day and wanted to see if eating dinner took care of it first. Fine. But 3 hours later....when I finally looked at him and said something along the lines (and don't quote me on this I don't remember exactly what I said)...of "aren't you even going to touch me? Here I am sitting in YOUR favorite robe, freshly bathed, wearing YOUR favorite perfume and nothing. Now, I know....this isn't my normal diplomatic self....but hey! We all get tired of being the only one doing the persuing, I'm no different. He looked at me and said well yeah...."what brought that on?". So I repeated what I had said....and told him, the way you just sit there I can't even tell YOU notice I'm not sitting there in a pair of sweats. He reminded me again that he had a headache...to which I said..."yes, I'm aware of that....you told me that 3-hours ago when I suggested you take something for it." He shook his head in agreement and said "yeah, I did didn't I?" Not like yeah, well didn't you get the message? But more like....your right I did...and I've been sitting here an haven't done anything about it...hmmm! Kind of wondering himself why he hadn't taken anything.
To make a long story shorter....later on when we did go to bed he did initiate (definitely got points for that) but it was perhaps one of the most lackluster sexual encounters....no wait, correct that....it was THE most lackluster sexual encounter I've ever had. He did absolutely NADA in order to make sure I was satisfied....and the whole encounter lasted at the most 10 minutes. I was left lying there thinking...."what was that?" I know he can do better...he's done better with me, this time he made sure he got off....but did NOTHING for me. Now, I will admit that this was one of the only times I can think of that he was already hard when we started...so there appeared to be some sexual desire on his part.....but not a darned thing towards trying to please me or make sure I was satisfied too. It was really disappointing....and disheartening.
I swear....I'm going to go out and buy the man Kama Sutra for Dummies!
I know I'm going to have to address this with him, if this doesn't improve. But I'm hoping that this was a single event....and not a sign of things to come. We are getting ready to go away for a few days (back home to ABQ for my HS reunion) without our S....so I'm trying to hold back on saying anything until I see what the next time is like. If, the next encounter is as disappointing as this....I will definitely be saying something.....but how do you go about telling someone you love...."Honey, I know you can do better than that." without completely crushing someone sexually speaking. Of course....I've also thought that he may be thinking...."if I do something like this...maybe she'll stop asking", but my gut says it's not that.
Right now...I'm just a bit down about it. Like I said, this is a vent....and I know it's temporary....but Geesh!!!!
RE: GEL I swear....I'm going to go out and buy the man Kama Sutra for Dummies!
GEL buy a case and sell them here. I think several our spouses not on SSM could use them. Sorry the sex did not meet your needs.
I was freshly bathed, sitting in a red sating robe wearing his favorite perfume..... GEL that is most men's dream. Do you have a twin sister that is not married?
I would say maybe you need to be more blunt about your needs and say you took 30 minuets to get decked out and need 30 minuets of action to be satisfied.
but how do you go about telling someone you love...."Honey, I know you can do better than that." That is being critical GEL. You need to instruct him and say what you hope will happen as in moves, positions, and time required for you to feel satisfied.
How about you initiate some action the very next night and say, This one's for me since I didn't finish last night...
Let him know that it's no biggie if it happens, but that a "makeup game" is a nice gesture. Oh and his finishing is optional, lest he feel pressured.
I would NOT let this one slide but I wouldn't say it critically either. Think of a fun sexy way to address it and go from there. Perhaps he was just really turned on and came too fast and then felt too embarrassed to do anything about it.
You can either shame him more, or help him get over that Oops feeling, is how I see it.
As far as the robe and perfume go, DUH! What's he waitin on?!?!?
I think one of the hardest parts is getting your partner to be honest. If you asked him, Did you know what mood I was trying to set when I wore the robe and perfume? what would he say? Would he fess up or play dumb?
NO MAN is that dumb, I'm sorry. No matter what they say, they know darn well when a signal is being sent. If they are too awkward/shy/nondesirous to respond, that is one thing. But they know what's going on.
It was very hard to break through this tendency for my H to fib. He now tells me straight up and I appreciate that. He will just say, I felt too awkward to do anything, rather than say, I didn't know you were expecting anything.
Believe me...I'm not going to blurt something out like what I wrote on here LOL. That would just be flat-out mean too, and that's not me. I am however going to have to address this, which is primarily why I suggested Kama Sutra for Dummies (my own title, but I bet it's out there somewhere LOL).
Here's what I'm thinking (oh & Honeypot, I believe you too about the fibbing, I know my H still does this with me...but he is doing better if I flat-out ask him questions). He does well with "suggestions" such as if I were to bring a book home (with pictures mind you LOL, he's not big on reading) such as one that might suggest sexual activities, positions etc. And then let him know....I found some really interesting things in there...."why don't you take a look and see if anything strikes your fancy too that we can try....oh, by the way....I've dog-eared the pages where there's something in particular that I would like to try....let's try to pick something for next time." He's more likely, knowing him, to respond to that than what's truly running through my head LOL.
This would be why I prefaced my post with "I'm venting here." LOL And thanks for the feedback! Any encouragement, suggestions are always appreciated!!!
Quote: Of course....I've also thought that he may be thinking...."if I do something like this...maybe she'll stop asking", but my gut says it's not that.
I understand your desire to look on the positive side but I think the truth is somewhere in the middle. I don't think it was just an innocent sexual flub or a diabolical planned attempt to make you LD in the future. It was just plain old selfish withholding behavior and you have to call him on it. I think for some reason (poor potty training?) LD men feel like women are trying to suck the life force out of them through sex rather than offer them something of value. They mistake our penis lust for penis envy and this makes them afraid that we are out to steal their penises because low self-esteem makes them feel like their penises are poorly attached and therefore able to be stolen. Sexual activity that is purely penis-centric, in which the LD man concentrates on his pleasure only, allows him to maintain a firm sense of penis-attachment.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I am sure you are right...the truth lies somewhere in between what I said. We will be going away for 5-days, without our son (starting tomorrow) so I'm going to wait just a bit before I do say something to him. This might be a bit chicken of me, but I guess I want to see what happens (although I'm not holding my breath) when he has absolutely no excuses. When we are away from everything that keeps us so busy, when our son cannot be used as an excuse by him for being tired, when we are doing nothing but playing and relaxing. I guess for me that will also reinforce the need to talk to him (if nothing happens, or if the same sexual encounter happens again)...and selfishly I won't feel so bad about having to do it. I guess what I'm trying to do is simply disarm him from his usual excuses....and it just so happens I have the perfect opportunity coming up to do just that.
I'll know more by next week.
Thanks for the insights though...I do believe you are on to something with him.
GEL... I have learned to not get caught up in one bad interaction; you take the good with the bad and hopefully move forward. I'd probably let it drop, too, since you have that mini-vacation planned minus son...it's not a pass to let him off the hook, as you know.
I know with my H I can't be as directly seductive as I would like to be. Wearing a robe and perfume is really at the low end of overt seduction, but I could picture my H shutting down and passively ignoring me. What works for us is keeping an element of sexiness going throughout the day...a grab here, a kiss there, along with little discussions of when our next time to ML will be. That way, there's a little more spark in the air, and if there's still that roommate feeling, well, he knows what is expected.
In JJ anlaogy terms, I'm thinking you can drop a few bread crumbs, through verbal banter and little grabs, for him to follow the path to the candy house, all the while discussing what day to visit for sure.
As far as the selfish aspect, it sounds like passive-aggressive behavior due to your " ploy" and I'd drop it for now. He knows better.
Quote: As far as the selfish aspect, it sounds like passive-aggressive behavior due to your " ploy" and I'd drop it for now.
But why did her H see her behavior as a "ploy" rather than an invitation? This line of reasoning makes me depressed. Aren't there any men out there with their cocks firmly attached enough to deal with the demands of female sexual desire? Zorba, where are you??!!
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I can see how he may have viewed it as a "ploy" and I'm sure that's what you meant...not that it actually was a ploy....because it wasn't. HE had mentioned earlier in the day...that he'd like to fool around (I think I forgot to mention this) so what I did was simply trying to appeal to what he normally seems to like. He's fastidious about cleanliness....so I showered, he's remarked about how much he likes both the robe I wore and the perfume I wore....so I wore both of those too.
In my mind...I was simply trying to set the scene for what he had mentioned would happen that evening. I don't know, it's very confusing to me....it was like dangling a carrot in front of me. This weekend should prove interesting.
