I am still not sure I am a 4, the sample test doesn't count, IMO. But I suppose you know enough about me to guess pretty accurately.
I definitely see those things as positives. Especially spending the entire day with me. She managed to remind me on a regular basis that she still wanted the D, so my excitement was a bit dampened.
Tonight, I brought up some $$$ issues. She went off on a tangent, saying she has supported me for a number of years... I redirected by saying that I was doing everything I could do to remedy my past mistakes, and that I wanted to be sure not to make any new ones. SHe told me again that she wanted a D, I told her that I didn't believe that she really wanted one, and that I thought she still loved me. She was very confrontational at first, and after my statement, she became quiet. She questioned my ability to forgive and trust again. I told her that just like it would take time for her to trust me again, it would take time for me to trust her. She agreed with me about the $$$$ questions, and I told her that it was a step toward the trust we need to build. We talked a bit more, and I told her I wanted to take care of her, and wanted her to be a part of my life. She cried and said her life was passing her by, and she just wanted to be a mother. I told her I wanted her to be the mother of our children, and that I wouldn't rest until that happended.
Her wrist has been bothering her lately, early carpel tunnel, probably. Yesterday she fell asleep in the tub, and her hand fell asleep. It was still numb tonight. I asked her to ice it and take advil, and to wear my brace. She got her ice, and headed up to bed. I called her to come back to the kitchen for her forgotten advil, and when she answered me, I could tell she was crying again. I gave her the advil, and cleaned the dinner dishes. She went upstairs. When I went up, I heard sniffling, and screeching, so I went into her room to find her leaning on the windowsill crying, listening to a bobcat in the woods making a racket. I rubbed her back, and offered a better backrub if she lay down, and suggested she put her head by the window so we could hear the bobcat better.
She laid down, and started crying uncontrollably. I went to get tissues for her, and then sat behind her and held her. She was quite upset, and was having trouble breathing from being so congested and teary. I suggested she lie back, and I held her head in my hands. She calmed down a bit. She said that she had messed everything up, that she just couldn't take it anymore. I told her that we didn't mess everything up, and that things could be better than they ever were. She started crying again. I shuffled a bit behind her, as she had been leaning heavily on me for a while. I suggested that she go to sleep, so she got up to take care of business. Two minutes later she was back, still crying. She laid down, I pulled off her socks, and pulled the blankets over her. I asked if she wanted me to hold her for a minute, or if she would rather be left alone. She (still crying) said she didn't know. I spooned her, and told her I would lay there until she fell asleep. As she started to doze (a few minutes) I slid out of bed and wished her sweet dreams.
My dream of being a full time artist was always secondary in my mind to my desire to be W's husband. I don't know how along the way that I became so blind in my ways, and set on my course. It is truly a mistake that will haunt me for long time. I pray that I do have the chance to show W my true worth.
