Cally, W & I talked about the family issue, but it wasn't until the last year that we discussed a timeline, and abandoning the business. W still says that it makes her angry that I "just gave up the business".
I know that much of her anger is hers, but some of it was from OM. I know that she is desperate, and doens't see motherhood as a possibility for her.
My job is definitely not a ploy, but an entry level position. My depression that I mentioned is due to the very low pay that I receive at this job, and the fact that I had to give up my dream to make this paltry wage. It is a minor and passing feeling, and it is as much due to stopping the metal biz as it is to losing my W.
I asked for a raise today. Actually, after the manager thanked me for staying late and tidying up, I told him that we needed to talk about a raise, and that the raise needed to be larger than their normal raise. I said we could talk about it tomorrow. He knows I deserve it. I looked over the quarterly sales report again today, and in the last quarter, the large bonus was earned only twice (both by me, last week and this week.)
W & I had a nice day yesterday. I asked her if she wanted to go kayaking with me. She didn't answer until yesterday morning. She acted like I was asking for more than a kayaking partner. I let her know i just wanted someone to enjoy the day with. She said she would go, so I asked her for her car keys so that I could pull the car out of the garage and put on the racks. She acted odd and hesitated to give me the keys. I asked what was hidden in her vehicle. SHe was quiet at first, and then started an R talk. She said that my questioning was why she didn't think I would ever trust her again. I told her that I wouldn't be able to trust her until she shows me that she has nothing to hide. Until we are brutally honest with each other, trust is a long way off. She told me she was still asking for a D. I told her that I wasn't ready for a D. I then said that I had no desire whatsoever to have that sort of talk. All I wanted to do was to go outside, kayak and enjoy the day. I said that I wanted her to go with me, but that I was going whether she chose to go or not. A few minutes later she gave me the car keys. I was in the bedroom, changing. I started to head down to move her car, and she asked me if I wanted her to do it. I asked her why she was so worried about her car, and she dropped it. At the time, I was beginning to regret asking her to go. I asked her if it was her first time going this year. She hesitiated, and then said that she went 1 1/2 months ago. At that time, she was giving me grief for going, and claimed she hadn't gone. At least she is starting to be honest about things.
During the rest of the prep, the drive, and much of the paddle, I was distant and quiet. We talked about the surroundings, the eagles and heron and such. We paddled for four hours or more, and enjoyed it thouroughly, including the 5 minute rainfall.
When we got home, we organized the garage, then I cooked dinner and started a bonfire. W was very withdrawn during the rest of the evening.
I refuse to beg to get her back, and she is not making any real concessions to provide increased trust. I wish I saw the positive side that all you folks here see. IMHO, she is looking back at her burned bridge with a trace of regret, but she sees it as burned, for sure.
Everyday, I get a little stronger, and I am seeing the hope for my future. I hope she chooses to swing back by my side, but I am ready to face the world without her, if it comes to that.
I agree that it is time for some more serious forms of R talk, soon, anyway. In the meantime, the financial talks should be handled.
