Multiple hookers and affairs is indicative or an underlying character flaw, not a one-of stupid action.
Your kids are old enough to know what your husband has been up to. They, and the folks that provide you the greatest love and support for you and your marriage need to know what is going on in your relationship. That is called exposure.
Until you have publicly exposed your husband's behavior, it is unlikely to stop, and you are unlikely to fix it by making changes in yourself.
He continues to do what he is doing because he is getting away with it. Whether you realize it or not, by keeping his secrets, you are enabling his behavior. This is true for drunks, addicts and affairs.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I was working in the shop, and W came in to say goodbye before she left for her family cookout. She looked around the shop silently. I have made great progress organizing and making it a functional space again, but she had nothing to say. I told her I was going yakking tomorrow, and I hoped she would join me. She asked who I was going with if she didn't go. I told her that she was my first and second choice, and that I would like her to go. She didn't answer definitively.
She said she had to leave, so I leaned over to kiss her. She turned her cheek (something she hadn't done in a couple of weeks) I told her I missed kissing her soft lips. She said " you have never been much of a kisser" I turned and walked away. I assumed she was criticizing my kissing ability. I was upset. I tried hiding that fact. She could tell, and apologized, realizing how I took her statement. I didn't say much. she said a few more apologetic statements, that she didn't mean it to be a hurtful statement, etc. I said I understood what she meant, and then said goodbye, and went into a different room. She said goodbye. I busied myself organizing my tongs. A couple of minutes later, I looked toward the door, and she was standing in the doorway looking at me. She said bye again. I was upset, and trying to control myself. A bit later I opened the overhead door to carry some square tubing over to the hopyard for trellis. She was still in the drive in her car. She wiped her eyes and drove off.
About ten minutes later she called, and apologized again for saying something hurtful. It seems like my actions now are suspect to her. I always kissed her regularly, but in her mind there was a lack. We talked for a few minutes. She told me that I have amazed her (with the way I am treating her, and that I still love and want her)
I need to remember to keep my emotions and desires in check right now. She is starting to come around, but in a halting manner. I am not sure she will commit to working on things, and I need to hold myself back until she does.
Quote: She said " you have never been much of a kisser"
csw, It could have ment she thinks you did not do it as much as she would have like you to kiss her in the past, she thought your heart was not in it in the past when you did kiss her, or something else. Personally i would have taken it more as a frequency or passion, eagerness, zealousness, earnestness thing more than a lack of skill. I get accused "you have never been much of a __________ because I am sometimes too involved in my work.
Thanks for the eBay offer. I most likely will go that rout. I have a friend in town that goes to auctions and eBays full time. I bought about 300 things (books, parts, and misc items) but never sold anything. I guess I need to get listing.
She also could have meant....she thought csw wasn't all that fond of kissing. That's how I took her statement, not as a personal criticism...but I'm really glad she noticed how it came across to csw too.
csw, she is coming around...and I expect it will be a halting turn-around....remember she's not going to trust the changes you've made are permanent....just try to keep reminding yourself of that. But you are on the upswing...hang in there and hold on!!!
Lillie....I agree with you also. If she did want to be gone she would have by now, house or not. I think she is very confused. Not just about the other man really but the hurt she feels and what she really wants in life. I know as a woman it can be so difficult when you want children but don't see iut as a possibility. I bet she feels like her biological clock is ticking.
CSW...I know you have mentioned she don't think you can provide finacial stability to have a family. Has she ever mentioned this to you. I believe if I'm not mistaken that you have been together 10 years? In all that time was this something she kept mentioning that she wanted but you ignored or said it wasn't something you also wanted. I know you are making lots of changes. Which is awesome. But I know you mentioned you feel depressed at the end of the day at your job. Because you are not doing your dream. Byt then you mentioned your dream of doing art had not been able to provide you with enough stability to consider a family. Maybe she is worried about this and something she is also thinking about it and weighing in her mind. If this job is a ploy to show her you have changed but when she comes back you may go back to the same ole ways. Maybe her anger and venom isn't coming because of the other man. Maybe it has nothing to do with him at all or maybe nobody is filling her mind with anything. Maybe she is just at a point where she really wants what she has wanted and waited for you to give her for years. Children and financial stability. Maybe the anger is just her desperation that she feels it may be to late or she let all these years just go and patiently waited.
Just trying to give you something to think about. Not trying to bash you at all. To let you know that her anger may be coming from somewehere else that just has to do with her and not what anyone else planted in her mind.
Maybe a relationship talk is in order. A long talk where you could hash out all that has been troubling your marriage.
Cally, W & I talked about the family issue, but it wasn't until the last year that we discussed a timeline, and abandoning the business. W still says that it makes her angry that I "just gave up the business".
I know that much of her anger is hers, but some of it was from OM. I know that she is desperate, and doens't see motherhood as a possibility for her.
My job is definitely not a ploy, but an entry level position. My depression that I mentioned is due to the very low pay that I receive at this job, and the fact that I had to give up my dream to make this paltry wage. It is a minor and passing feeling, and it is as much due to stopping the metal biz as it is to losing my W.
I asked for a raise today. Actually, after the manager thanked me for staying late and tidying up, I told him that we needed to talk about a raise, and that the raise needed to be larger than their normal raise. I said we could talk about it tomorrow. He knows I deserve it. I looked over the quarterly sales report again today, and in the last quarter, the large bonus was earned only twice (both by me, last week and this week.)
W & I had a nice day yesterday. I asked her if she wanted to go kayaking with me. She didn't answer until yesterday morning. She acted like I was asking for more than a kayaking partner. I let her know i just wanted someone to enjoy the day with. She said she would go, so I asked her for her car keys so that I could pull the car out of the garage and put on the racks. She acted odd and hesitated to give me the keys. I asked what was hidden in her vehicle. SHe was quiet at first, and then started an R talk. She said that my questioning was why she didn't think I would ever trust her again. I told her that I wouldn't be able to trust her until she shows me that she has nothing to hide. Until we are brutally honest with each other, trust is a long way off. She told me she was still asking for a D. I told her that I wasn't ready for a D. I then said that I had no desire whatsoever to have that sort of talk. All I wanted to do was to go outside, kayak and enjoy the day. I said that I wanted her to go with me, but that I was going whether she chose to go or not. A few minutes later she gave me the car keys. I was in the bedroom, changing. I started to head down to move her car, and she asked me if I wanted her to do it. I asked her why she was so worried about her car, and she dropped it. At the time, I was beginning to regret asking her to go. I asked her if it was her first time going this year. She hesitiated, and then said that she went 1 1/2 months ago. At that time, she was giving me grief for going, and claimed she hadn't gone. At least she is starting to be honest about things.
During the rest of the prep, the drive, and much of the paddle, I was distant and quiet. We talked about the surroundings, the eagles and heron and such. We paddled for four hours or more, and enjoyed it thouroughly, including the 5 minute rainfall.
When we got home, we organized the garage, then I cooked dinner and started a bonfire. W was very withdrawn during the rest of the evening.
I refuse to beg to get her back, and she is not making any real concessions to provide increased trust. I wish I saw the positive side that all you folks here see. IMHO, she is looking back at her burned bridge with a trace of regret, but she sees it as burned, for sure.
Everyday, I get a little stronger, and I am seeing the hope for my future. I hope she chooses to swing back by my side, but I am ready to face the world without her, if it comes to that.
I agree that it is time for some more serious forms of R talk, soon, anyway. In the meantime, the financial talks should be handled.
I am still not sure I am a 4, the sample test doesn't count, IMO. But I suppose you know enough about me to guess pretty accurately.
I definitely see those things as positives. Especially spending the entire day with me. She managed to remind me on a regular basis that she still wanted the D, so my excitement was a bit dampened.
Tonight, I brought up some $$$ issues. She went off on a tangent, saying she has supported me for a number of years... I redirected by saying that I was doing everything I could do to remedy my past mistakes, and that I wanted to be sure not to make any new ones. SHe told me again that she wanted a D, I told her that I didn't believe that she really wanted one, and that I thought she still loved me. She was very confrontational at first, and after my statement, she became quiet. She questioned my ability to forgive and trust again. I told her that just like it would take time for her to trust me again, it would take time for me to trust her. She agreed with me about the $$$$ questions, and I told her that it was a step toward the trust we need to build. We talked a bit more, and I told her I wanted to take care of her, and wanted her to be a part of my life. She cried and said her life was passing her by, and she just wanted to be a mother. I told her I wanted her to be the mother of our children, and that I wouldn't rest until that happended.
Her wrist has been bothering her lately, early carpel tunnel, probably. Yesterday she fell asleep in the tub, and her hand fell asleep. It was still numb tonight. I asked her to ice it and take advil, and to wear my brace. She got her ice, and headed up to bed. I called her to come back to the kitchen for her forgotten advil, and when she answered me, I could tell she was crying again. I gave her the advil, and cleaned the dinner dishes. She went upstairs. When I went up, I heard sniffling, and screeching, so I went into her room to find her leaning on the windowsill crying, listening to a bobcat in the woods making a racket. I rubbed her back, and offered a better backrub if she lay down, and suggested she put her head by the window so we could hear the bobcat better.
She laid down, and started crying uncontrollably. I went to get tissues for her, and then sat behind her and held her. She was quite upset, and was having trouble breathing from being so congested and teary. I suggested she lie back, and I held her head in my hands. She calmed down a bit. She said that she had messed everything up, that she just couldn't take it anymore. I told her that we didn't mess everything up, and that things could be better than they ever were. She started crying again. I shuffled a bit behind her, as she had been leaning heavily on me for a while. I suggested that she go to sleep, so she got up to take care of business. Two minutes later she was back, still crying. She laid down, I pulled off her socks, and pulled the blankets over her. I asked if she wanted me to hold her for a minute, or if she would rather be left alone. She (still crying) said she didn't know. I spooned her, and told her I would lay there until she fell asleep. As she started to doze (a few minutes) I slid out of bed and wished her sweet dreams.
My dream of being a full time artist was always secondary in my mind to my desire to be W's husband. I don't know how along the way that I became so blind in my ways, and set on my course. It is truly a mistake that will haunt me for long time. I pray that I do have the chance to show W my true worth.
Quote: My dream of being a full time artist was always secondary in my mind to my desire to be W's husband. I don't know how along the way that I became so blind in my ways, and set on my course. It is truly a mistake that will haunt me for long time. I pray that I do have the chance to show W my true worth.
Dear C,
Your W is beginning to see your worth. Those youthful dreams die hard. I thought I'd get a PhD at one time, but I knew that I had to choose between being a full time student or starting a family. I chose the second route with only an occasional regret. It's not all that I originally wanted, but I wouldn't trade it for the world.
What you are doing, and I think you are realizing this, is creating an alternate universe where you and your wife can live together in peace and have a family. She can't see it yet, she doesn't really believe in it. But your vision of the fuure is beginning to blow away the fog, and she is starting to see a universe she doesn't even believe is possible.
Your faith in your future life might still lead her out of the fog. Keep dreaming. You will make the dream real.
Take care,
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
