W came home at around 5 today. She was a bit distant. We chatted a bit, weeded a few gardens, and cahtted some more. We started picking asparagus, and I said, "okay, we have to make a deal that this is the last time we pick from this bed" (it was planted last year, and we shouldn't really pick from it until next year) She said "We should pick it because I don't know what we are going to be doing next year." I said, "I do. We will be living here, and you will love me again" Silence followed for a while. Then she said that she was afraid I was going to hurt her! I understand that she is worried if my SD hasn't changed, and if I can take care of her so she doesn't have to work so hard.
A little later, we were talking again, and I asked her if she had seen OM. She said that he stoipped by uninvited to a house she was cleaning yesterday. I asked if she told him not to see her. She hadn't. I asked her to tell him not to contact her so she could sort out her feelings. She said that she would have to NC me as well. I said that she should do whatever was necessary to sort out her head on her own.
A bit later, we were talking agian, and she said " I have both of you coming at me right now, and I can't take it." I told her that I had no desire to cause her any more pain, and if she wanted me to back away, I would do so immediately.
SHe is clearly conflicted in a BIG way. She was crying on and off for the evening. I left her alone in the veggie garden, and I could tell she was crying out there. Hootie and the Blowfish was going through my head as I looked at her from the window. "Let her cry" She came in, and started talking to me, only to start crying again. She held her head with a grimace on her face, so I got her wsome water & advil. She asked when I was planning on dinner. I told her that I would have it ready whenever she wanted, and that she should take a bath to relax. She is still in there.
This is just a minor unprocessed update of info. SHe is everyday becoming more conflicted. I let her know that I can't come to her any more than I have without her committing to NC, because I don't want her to hurt me again. She agreed, but did not agree to NC (yet). Clearly, I need to back off for a while with the passionate aspects of wanting her. I don't want her to think I am as desperate as OM! (because I am not!)
