I received an interesting phone call yesterday from my close friend. He said that he had been coming down hard on my W lately, and he wanted me to know that he hoped we could work things out. It sounded to me like his W put him up to the call. In our conversations with BB at the pub, he had told me how many married guys would love to have my current opportunity. (not him, since he takes orders from W pretty well) He told me I was crazy the other day when I said I was going to help W clean. (I couldn't argue with him )
I am trying to find ways to short circuit the replay going through my head. The imagined flashes of the PA are sickening when they come, and are slow to go. I do want to save the M, and I do think I can get over this mountain of betrayal. I need some concessions from W for that to be possible.
I worked in the shop until 11 last night. It is starting to look more like a shop, and less like an explosion. It is amazing how out of control things can get when your life falls apart. I was very happy to receive the order for mirrors yesterday. I am pretty sure they are all in stock!. I will make some more to replenish, and will get them to a consignment gallery asap. I need the feeling of acomplishment that I get from my artwork. The new job is rewarding in its way, with the sense of a job well done, and the steady paycheck. I still have a feeling of depression at the end of the day, knowing that I am not following my dream. I do love the sense of discovery at work, finding the crazy lab gear, figuring out what it is and how to sell it. It is the same as the personal ebay sales I had been doing, except that I am not spending my money to get the gear, and I don't need to pack or ship anything. I am excited about the prospect of becoming a buyer instead of a seller. I know what the stuff is, and I have a knack for geting stuff on the cheap.
I looked at the quarterly sales report at work for the last quarter. It looks like there was only one other instance of a seller getting the big bonus. I will be sure to mention that to the GM when I ask for my raise.
I am going to finish organizing the shop today, and will then engage in some smash therapy (forging) GM is getting married in July, and just finished building a new barn. I am going to make a weathervane for him. It will be good practice. I need one for my barn, but I will work out the design on his
W called around dinner time yesterday, to let me know that she was staying at ILs. She started work quite late on Fri, and worked late, and had early Yoga this morning. She said she would be home for dinner, ( I was certain to tell her there was plenty of fresh asparagus to encourage that)
I hope she did some serious thinking this week. She will need to produce a letter of NC soon, if we are to start this process of rebuilding.
The funny thing about the call from my friend, it made me realize that the way I am handling the whole issue of infidelity is not in line with the thinking of most males (my friends anyway) but is clearly admired by females (their wives, for instance). The important thing is, I feel good about the way I am handling things. I feel good about myself, finally. I realize that what I have done is nothing short of a miracle, according to my standards. I have gone from a depressed quivering mass of jello to a Man o Steel. I have gone from the depths of self hate and blame to a point where I can accept my shortcomings, and build upon my positive traits to compensate. I know that if the marriage is beyond saving, that I will be able to get on with my life, and I will find happiness in short order. I owe all of this new insight on the wonderful people here. You are all quick to point out my self defeating behavior, and quick to provide support when I needed it most. I am thankful I found this place when I did. I give sincere thanks to those who have helped me find this courage to face the pile of crap on my plate, despite the fact that you all had to look around your own piles to help me.
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