Can someone give me the Reader's Digest version of why R talks are bad during such a period? I'm sure it has something to do with contact with OM, but esp. if she is pulling away from OM, why is it bad to have relationship talks? It seems like everything else on this Board and in the recommended reading centers around confronting issues, setting & enforcing boundaries, etc., and NOT avoiding things.
Choc., who must've been sleeping during those lectures
It definitely has to do with the fact that there's OM in the picture. R talks when someone is on their way out the door...can push them out the door and right into the other person's arms.
If someone's having an affair, they already think they have the grass greener somewhere else...R talks at that time are pressure and just make the other person appear that much more attractive to the person cheating.
By holding off as much as possible on R talks during times like this...the person (who is trying to save the M) can work on their own behavior....like with csw, he's become the man of steel. He's addressed the issues his W had problems w/and is now letting his actions speak for him. When an R has gotten to the point his did....words are often cheap, and actions speak VOLUMES.
I'm sure others could explain this much more clearly than I just did...but I think that's the gist of it.
Does that help?
Now w/R's where an "A" doesn't seem to be an issue....that's a whole different can of worms...then often people need to learn to communicate w/each other and express their needs. Early in csw's R w/his W communication was an issue...there was none and had there not been an A, then that's the issue that they could be working on now. But as it is they have more than one white elephant sitting in their living room....and you have to deal with one elephant at a time to get it out of the room
HP, I am a bit slow on the uptake with things of this nature. I had a good friend in high school who had a crush on me for years. She was quite shy, and I am more obtuse that a corner on an enneakaidecagon. I didn't learn until much later that she was interested in me as more than a friend. The masseuse may be interested in me, but she has acted in a completely professional manner. Part of her gig is "intuitive" which is why she makes R comments. I have made it clear to her that I am very much interested in saving my M. She is often at the coffee shop, and even sets up a chair there for massage during special events, poetry readings, and such. She stopped in at the bar to check the status on a metal repair I was doing for her. I didn't even introduce her to my friends while she was there. That was rude, perhaps, but I didn't want to give her any ideas that I wanted to be more that a massage client to her.
When W snooped, she was looking for a key to our car, that I had in a drawer. I feel bad a little bit, because she asked if I knew where it was, and I said I didn't . That was back when the A was in full swing (not that I have any evidence that it is less than full swing now)
I offered to help W clean the mega house she has been working on the last few weeks. She seemed appreciative. I told her I would call her after work today. When I called, she was vacuuming, so she didn't hear. She returned my call an hour later. THe house is 1.5 hours from here, so I won't be going today. We ended up talking for 40 minutes. Mostly about the house and what is left to do thee. I told her about the bonus I made at work, and she seemed pleased. She said that she might like my help tomorrow. I will call her on my break to find out for sure. Trouble is, tomorrow is the day I take Yoga. I would like to help her, but I would hate top miss the class.
I can't make any promises right now about our M. It will take some serious work to rebuild this mess. The possibility of that work happening is improving with time, but trust seems to be a long way off.
BTW Choc, I'm not afraid of R talks at this point, but I don't try to initiate them. I try not to "test the waters" verbally, because it is counter productive, as I learned in the earlier panic filled days. I have been testing the waters physically, and she has responded, although in a very restrained manor. Talk is cheap, and trust is scarce.
I got the big bonus today, yipee! With the bonus, my weekly pay is more respectable.
I spoke with W today at breaktime. She sounded like she was having a good day, and the homeowners already had movers bringing stuff in, so her job was being made eaiser by having fewer rooms to clean, and an excuse for more mess. She doens't need my help, so I won't miss my class. She thanked me several times, and was very happy for me about the bonus. I am glad I don't have to help her today, but I made sure she knew that the offer stands. I called her after work to make sure she didn't need me, but she was on the line already... OM or SIL.
No other news, and no way to work on M with W away. I will try to get the house and shop in tip top shape for her return. THe shop is overwhelmingly depressing, with its chaotic dissarray. It will be a major undertaking to organize. The smart move would be to discard some of my "treasures" but in the past, as soon as I do, I am forced ot go out and buy the stuff I tossed. They have those change sorters at the store. I wish they made nut and bolt and screw sorters as well.
Lostgal, I'm cracking up here. I have really big nuts, er, and bolts. BTW, I have had my eye on the robotic components that come through at work. I am a gear head, and could make some really fun stuff if I had the time. A robotic screw sorting wort stirring floor sweeping efficiency instructing gizmo just might be how I make my first million $$$.
GGB, I have to agree with you, I do deserve the bonus. I sold $6000 worth of gear last week, and fixed listings done by others as well. I am busting my hump because I absolutely do not want to fill this specific job description for very long. I am pleased to see many of my ideas being implemented. The new retail store is now accepting ebay consignments, and they are going to rent the big billboard next to the retail location to advertise, (both my ideas ) I am carefully crafting my next job description, and will sell it within the next month. There is not currently anyone on staff who actually reviews every listing. I have done it on my spare time since a week before I started. I have pointed out major mistakes to the manager, but he is rather laissez faire, and all of the listers know it. I am starting an idea journal, and will try to fully develop them before giving them away.
W called me back this evening. She said it was SIL she was talking to earlier, and that she didn't answer the beep because she didn't want me to miss my Yoga class. (good answer) She didn't need my help at all, since the people moved in early. (but she was still working at 10:00) I am sure they have a full time cleaner anyway. (oh to be rich... NOT!) We had a nice conversation, and talked for 20 minutes or so. (I miss her, and she is slowly starting to reappear)
On my way home from Yoga today, I drove through the village, and saw a friend of my Bro's from high school, sweeping up grass clippings. I stopped and we chatted for a while. I told him what was up in my life, and he was blown away. He said he NEVER would have expected that from W. He was the first friend to really understand my desire to save the M.(Perhaps because he is one of the very few single friends I have, and notoriously so) Some of my other friends say they understand, and some think I am crazy to try. I am willing to try, but I don't know how far I can go without some major commitment soon. I need a letter of NC, and I would love to have it as a B-DAY present! It would be even better to get it for an in between day present. (My bday 6-9, w's, 6-11, thus, in between day, 6-10) I proposed that in-between day be our wedding day, but it was not possible.
I am still not counting any chickens from these eggs, and there is a good chance they will all be scrambled.
That was back when the A was in full swing (not that I have any evidence that it is less than full swing now)
