csw, there is something that I have refrained from commenting on, but now I think I will. I think you will find it helpful.
When I was younger, I was an OW... actually several times. I also cheated on the men in my life-- on my first husband and on another guy, who was a live-in. All of that was more than 25 years ago.
When commenting on your W and the OG (other guy), sometimes the people posting here have imagined them sitting around and plotting how they were going to get you out of the house, how they would live here, saying tacky things about you. I think some have also imagined the OG putting evil thoughts in your W's head about you, even evil words in her mouth about you.
If others on this board have had experience with affairs, I will bow to their superior knowledge, but when I was in an affair, we NEVER talked about my partner or his. If there was any talk of the Future, it was only in the vaguest of terms. At no time did I and my OG imagine living in The House after we had driven the other spouse away.
An affair is a bad thing. It hurts people. It's not something I would recommend, and it doesn't solve anything. BUT there's not nearly so much Naked Malice and Evil in them as you might think. At least there wasn't in the ones I was in. We did not sit around talking about how awful our partners were. Never. The partner's name rarely came up. Partly from shame and guilt, and partly because we were in it to get away from the partner, not to dwell on the partner. So if you're imagining them sitting around talking about you and plotting and scheming, I don't think that is accurate. At least that was not the case in my experience.
The reason I'm bringing this up is that if your W does decide to come home to you, it may be easier for you to reconnect with her if you take off the Evil label that, ironically, you would need to paste on her face if she decides NOT to come back. Follow that?
She did something that was misguided and destructive. It was something human. Something stupid. She didn't torture little kittens or children or hijack a plane or blow up a bus. She hurt YOU a lot, true. It was wrong, true. But people can do better. I've done better. I recognize that I was "looking for love in all the wrong places."
TX_Cheater's (see other thread) W has a much harder task ahead of her. TX has been living the life of a cheater for almost 20 years, over and over. Your W didn't do that.
Soften your heart toward her. Realize that many people have made that mistake, but you can still connect and rebuild, if both of you are willing. Lift her out of the mud puddle and you climb down off that tall chair and join hands.
No one wants to break up a marriage if they can see ANY reason to stick it out. I think the divorced people on the board will back me up on this. Divorce is so painful. It's not something done lightly. If she can see her way clear to stay with you, I think she will do it. If she had wanted to leave, she would have done so by now. If whatever she was feeling for the OG was overwhelming and powerful, she would be gone by now.
She went elsewhere for solace, comfort, and to find out if she was still desirable. It doesn't sound like a grand passion to me.
So make it easy for her to come home and stay home. Be welcoming. Sounds like you're doing that.
