As NOP has warned me, my feelings toward W have been vacillating wildly. At one moment, I want to scoop her up in my arms and run away with her, to start a new life, anywhere. The next moment, in my minds eye I see her with OM, and feel an overwhelming sense of revulsion and betrayal. I had one of those moments yesterday, when W told me that what she did was a selfish act, but that she "needed it". I asked her to clarify, but she didn't. I am sure a clarification would be impossible.
I think that the current trend of W being less mean and angry is because of the decreased contact with OM. I also think that this opens a window of opportunity for me to shine. It is difficult to shine in the areas important to W. Her biggest desire is for a family, and yesterday she told me that she didn't think I could survive alone on my current income. This is clearly not true, and my current job is not my life ambition, but a stepping stone along the way.
W & I are both in agreement that we are not even remotely in the place we had hoped to be at this point in our lives. Our ideas about what to do to remedy the situation are worlds apart. Time will tell if our dreams will again merge, or if we are forever torn apart by our mistakes.
"Behind us our mistakes shine brilliantly, torches that could guide us every direction, if only we could turn around." Naomi Shihab-Nye
