I picked some flowers for W tonight. Apple, black locust, and iris. I grabbed an ikebana from the shop, and put them on the kitchen table. The locust smell really sweet. I hope she appreciates them.
I am maintaining my persistent expression of desire for W. I am hoping to remind her why she loved me in the first place. Today, W started an R talk. I skirted the old issues, and asked a simple question, "Are you still seeing OM?" She didn't answer at first. I asked again. she said "If you are asking if we backed off a bit, the answer is yes" I was pleased to hear that answer, and it confirmed my suspicions. I wonder if the combo of my doc visit and my new persistence are part of the reason. Perhaps OM is getting desperate. Either way, I will tread lightly, and keep reminding her in actions why she loves me.
My hopes are not growing, but they are not diminishing. There are many many hurdles to clear, and some are the size of semi trucks. One day at a time. One step at a time.
One of these days, she will realize that she wants ME. Hopefully, it won't be too late for US.
Today, when I was telling her how hot she is in her Yoga outfit, she said something about the years of rejection. I said that I would be sure that would never happen again, for a number of reasons.
I need help to find ways to show her I realize the depth of her pain, and to show her the lengths I will travel to be sure we don't go down that same path again. I also need to firgure out how to show her that I won't hold the A over her head. We will need to discuss it, once we are in recovery, to resolve the issues that led to the A, and to rebuild trust. But I have no desire to use the A as a way to show any sort of moral superiority. I would love to forget that it happened. I would give my last wordly posession, and every ounce of my energy to eradicate those memories from my mind. But first, we need to be sure that the problems are fixed. I never want to go down this painful path again.
As long as she is in contact with the other man, the affair is not over. In fact, anytime she talks to him, all those feelings are going to come flooding back toward him, and you will once again become the toilet monster. Contact resets the clock to zero, and you basically start over.
Your first instinct will be to rush toward forgiving her. Be slow and cautious there. You will change your mind about how you feel a number of times before you settle down, and I am talking many months here, not days or weeks. You WILL hate her guts at times. It is going to happen. You will find her disgusting at times.
When your wife becomes a willing participant (notice PARTICIPANT - very important) in the process of recovery, then you can work toward forgiveness. Not a second before.
You don't have to lord it over her, but don't facilitate by complicity toward her actions. They were wrong.
The game is afoot, csw.
You are doing well.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I think I made it clear to W that I had a great willingness and capacity to forgive her. I can't forgive her until she stops talking to OM, and she hasn't yet. I am ready to start the work we need to repair the damage, but this is the point that requires commitment from W. I will stay in this holding pattern until I see that she is willing to work on the M. I will be sure not to come on too strong with my advances, because I don't want her to feel pushed away, or that I am needy and clingy. (But I do WANT HER!)
As NOP has warned me, my feelings toward W have been vacillating wildly. At one moment, I want to scoop her up in my arms and run away with her, to start a new life, anywhere. The next moment, in my minds eye I see her with OM, and feel an overwhelming sense of revulsion and betrayal. I had one of those moments yesterday, when W told me that what she did was a selfish act, but that she "needed it". I asked her to clarify, but she didn't. I am sure a clarification would be impossible.
I think that the current trend of W being less mean and angry is because of the decreased contact with OM. I also think that this opens a window of opportunity for me to shine. It is difficult to shine in the areas important to W. Her biggest desire is for a family, and yesterday she told me that she didn't think I could survive alone on my current income. This is clearly not true, and my current job is not my life ambition, but a stepping stone along the way.
W & I are both in agreement that we are not even remotely in the place we had hoped to be at this point in our lives. Our ideas about what to do to remedy the situation are worlds apart. Time will tell if our dreams will again merge, or if we are forever torn apart by our mistakes.
"Behind us our mistakes shine brilliantly, torches that could guide us every direction, if only we could turn around." Naomi Shihab-Nye
CSW... You are doing a great job of not letting your negative feelings get in your way. Keep reiminding her of the goals you have made and the actions you are taking to get there, and continue to show her affection/ desire ( without overwhelming her). You are a class act.
IHJ, "and continue to show her affection/ desire ( without overwhelming her)." That is a fine line to walk. I told W this morning that I would give her space today, and I have done well to stay in the shop and let her do her thing. I know that she is trying to sort out her feelings, and I don't want her to feel pressured by me. She brought up some issues today, about having her own mind. I asked why she felt compelled to repeatedly tell me that shehad her own mind. She said that she said it because I don't think she knows what she wants. I told her that I knew what she wanted, and that she had made it clear to me, that she wanted a family, to feel loved and appreciated, to be happy, and to feel financially secure. I never underestimated her mind, and her mind is why I fell in love with her in the first place. I simply believe that all minds are influenced by others in concious and unconcious ways, and she was being influenced by OM. She obviously believed that herself, because she told me she backed off from A to "sort out her thoughts".
I know that she still loves me in her heart, and that her head is fighting it because of the strong feelings of resentment and past rejection. I need to find ways to show her that my changes are sincere, lasting, and substantial.
csw wrote: --------------- I need to find ways to show her that my changes are sincere, lasting, and substantial. ---------------
Just continue what you are doing. You are showing her.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
csw wrote: ------------- I asked why she felt compelled to repeatedly tell me that shehad her own mind. She said that she said it because I don't think she knows what she wants. I told her that I knew what she wanted, and that she had made it clear to me, that she wanted a family, to feel loved and appreciated, to be happy, and to feel financially secure. I never underestimated her mind, and her mind is why I fell in love with her in the first place. -------------
I think that there is a high probability that she is 'speaking her own mind' because that is what squirrel the puppet master has been advising.
Your comments made it clear to me that her own mind, the one that the puppet master is working, really wants you to believe that it really wants to divorce you, and that you can never measure up. She is just too much a conflict avoider to say it outright, so you are being led about to say it for her.
Stop playing the game.
There is no doubt that she has legitimate complaints with you. However, squirrel has NONE. NO RIGHTS, NO COMPLAINTS. As long as he is in the equation, there is no WHOLE truth in anything spoken by him or your wife. PERIOD.
Until the end of the affair has been negotiated, kill the relationship banter other than to state what you are wiling to contribute to the NEW marriage.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
(like water off a ducks back...) 