I think this is what they talk about in Undefended Love, when they say you have to push past the comfortable, close R. When you decide to hide yourself because you don't want to upset your W, you're still in the pre-undefended state. This isn't a bad place, but it's not the ultimate place, as you are discovering. In UL, they talk about pushing through this to a place where you really can be yourself and not go to pieces no matter how your partner responds.
Please don't think I'm judging you. You're WAY ahead of me.
