One question for you....and I'm going to preface this with, this probably won't come out the way I mean it, so this isn't condescending or judgemental....but, how long are you going to give this before you do bring things like this up?
Here's my reason for asking you that...it's possible your W doesn't realize she's not giving at all towards trying to actually save your M. She's making you do all the work. She's making YOU pay for your past mistakes. It is completely possible she's unaware of how she's truly behaving right now....sometimes you have to call people out on the carpet before they snap out of it. A C's office is often the safest place to do this....because they can mediate and make sure what you say isn't misunderstood....my H and I have used this (well ok, I've used this).
You do have every right to ask questions...asking questions doesn't mean your asking her for sex. The pace of your recovery in therapy is often going to be dictated by the risks you are willing to take...or not take at the time. So you do have control over setting some of the speed...if you don't feel it's the right time to broach these issues, don't...just keep in mind, you do have the right to ask questions...perhaps they will get your W thinking.
