Well I did make the dinner res. Thing is I am a take charge kind of guy. That could be part of the problem. I usually end up planning things. I would really like to see her initiate some dates, etc. Maybe that's not going to happen for now or maybe I have to really ask her to do this. I will see what she comes up with for next Saturday, the anniv. and just keep mine in place in case she plans nothing...
Here's a question, isn't it hard to act like things are going well? I seem to be able to do this for a while, a week or so, but then see other couples who are outwardly very happy and this makes me very depressed about my situation. I tend to start moping and my W notices this and doesn't want me to be like this. But it is very hard to be happy about a situation that isn't. How do you all deal with this. I already focus on my kids and the many good things in my life, but what I really need is a wife who wants, needs and loves me...
Oh yes, it's very hard to act "as if", I don't think you will find one person on here who will say ..."oh no! It' a breeze!" LOL.
What I find helpful is this....really look for those small signs that your spouse does still love you. What are those things that say she's still in this R? They may be very hard signs to see...but for example...your W didn't say..."whatever you want" when you asked about the weekend, she did say she would think about it. I mean...she could have looked at you and said "Are you kidding?!"
I guarantee you, there are signs there....you just have to learn to recognize them. Is she an "Acts of Service" type of a gal....does she do things that may seem mundane for you, those could be subtle signs you are missing.
Now, when you see something like that hang on to it, recognize it for a sign of life in your M and use it to boost you to keep on keepin on.
GEL, I hear what you are saying. There are little things she does that say she cares. She said she cares about me. She hasn't said she still loves me. But it is so little to go on. I keep wondering- that maybe I would find the happiness I long for with someone else.
We have always had busy lives. Both professionals, same field. We work long hours. We have been blessed with someone who helps us a great deal. We try to share in the daily duties of the family. I always thought everything was ok until last August when she didn't want to be intimate anymore. Guess I was wrong. Funny thing is- we worked and worked to get where we are professionally and built a great house. When I thought it was time to enjoy-pow! Things are in a tailspin... It's hard to believe that I've been wrong for the past 10 or so years.
GEL, I hear what you are saying. There are little things she does that say she cares. She said she cares about me. She hasn't said she still loves me. But it is so little to go on. I keep wondering- that maybe I would find the happiness I long for with someone else.
We have always had busy lives. Both professionals, same field. We work long hours. We have been blessed with someone who helps us a great deal. We try to share in the daily duties of the family. I always thought everything was ok until last August when she didn't want to be intimate anymore. Guess I was wrong. Funny thing is- we worked and worked to get where we are professionally and built a great house. When I thought it was time to enjoy-pow! Things are in a tailspin... It's hard to believe that I've been wrong for the past 10 or so years.
I understand what you are saying. Part of the reason my H and I headed into a tailspin is that he became so obsessed with trying to give me everything he thought I wanted. Sounds wierd doesn't it? He would spend every spare moment he had free...doing yard work or home projects outside so that I truly never spent any time with him. The time he did spend inside he'd be wrapped up in is computer games for hours and then be too tired to do anything else and go to bed. I literally had no time with him.
In our last C session last week I had the opportunity to point out just how much time he had spent away from me before....and how much he's improved (and he realllly has). He agreed that it's easier now between us, better....is told him "that's because you're doing maintenance now on our marriage...like you did on our house, or like you do on the airplanes you work on." And that's just it....in a R you can't just go on autopilot....you do have to maintain it, do date nights on a regular basis, spend quality time together, talk over a bottle of wine (or whatever). But BE TOGETHER
I suspect, and this is just a hunch here, you guys spent far too much time away from each other and both neglected maintaining your R. When the emotional connection is lost it is very difficult to maintain the physical closeness too.
Just keep reminding yourself, she does still care (chances are she still loves you too or she'd be gone)...but saying she loves you leaves her open to a world of hurt if the changes you are making aren't permanent.
GEL, Yes, probably have not spent as much time together, but part of that has been her. She says that she doesn't always feel like spending time with me (discouraging to me). She has also said that she doesn't want to have to think of the R all the time.
Our C has said to both of us that the M will not continue in the current state. I have voiced that as well. I am trying to be patient, but I think it is also important to be realistic. Our C says that in the next 2-3 mo, it will become apparent if the M will work ( I had expressed my anxiety since my W said that she didn't know if it would take her a year, 2 years, or perhaps never be able to feel the way I want her to toward me. You have to admit that someone telling you they don't know if they will ever be able to be intimate with you again is extremely discouraging).
I am hopeful that the C is right and the next 2-3 mo are revealing. Honestly, if there is no progress by the end of the summer, I am going to leave-difficult as it may be.
I understand this "but part of that has been her. She says that she doesn't always feel like spending time with me (discouraging to me)."....but keep in mind she's saying this AFTER the damage has already been done. AFTER you two have already spent far too much time apart, albeit well intentined as it may have been...and both of you participated in this.
This, I feel, is where you keep tripping yourself up and end up depressing yourself. You need to keep reminding yourself that it's important to spend as much time as you can with her now (whether she discourages you or not)...because that is the very thing (that you both did) that got you where you are now.
Remember when she discourages you that she's speaking from a hurt place, a vulnerable place...a place she now wants to protect.
Now that doesn't mean you don't have your limits, of course you do and you'll know when you've reached it. We all have our limits.
BUT...and here' a bit BUT here for ya...you guys have't been at this that long, not in comparison to how long you've been married and how long it took for your marriage to get to the point it is at now. Now that doesn't mean you can fix the problem yourself, if your W says she wants to save the M then at some point you are going to have to challenge her to step up to the plate...perhaps you need to do that in the C's office? Otherwise, sure...you're going to say enough is enough much sooner than you otherwise might.
GEL, It is helpful see that most likely, her reason for not wanting to be with me right now is because of the damage and hurt. For perspective, it wasn't so much time spent apart that got us to where we are, but the way I treated her and made her feel. To me, I was just being me- a little obsessive compulsive. But my behavior really hurt her which I didn't fully understand until we started C. I think that is what really drove her away. I am really working on that now and she admits that I am better.
The thing about her never wanting to be intimate again does bother me. She was never a HD person except for when we first met. I am HD and she is either LD or no drive. Seems like a trend in her family and in mine as well. I think this significantly contributed to getting us to where we are. ie. I am rejected, get angry, and on and on until it becomes very easy to complain about things around the house. She gets hurt, pulls back, rejects me... and so the cycle goes. So a part of me wonders if we may never resolve this because of our sex drive differences. Perhaps the farthest we can get is to understand our differences and be friends not lovers. Where does that leave me except unhappy??
She says she may not ever want to be intimate again, and she may truly feel that way....right now. But I cannot impress upon you enough the impact the emotional connection can have on the physical one. It's that emotional connection that can help someone who is LD want to be more physical with you.
It may not be because they actually have those sparks of sexual attraction, that's something many LD people either squelch in themselves...or have learned to ignore. But if you have that emotional connection going it makes it so much easier for her to want to make you happy...and that in turn can roll over in to you SR.
Also you mentioned that she's either LD or ND and that it may run in the family...has she ever been checked out by a Dr.? Or is this something that perhaps she's learned? If she's learned it...she can unlearn it, if it's truly a physical problem...there's a good chance it can be treated.
I still suggest though that if this is bothering you...you address it in the C sessions if for no other reason than the fact that you feel she's setting a parameter for your R.
GEL, I have never brought the issue of her being LD/ND up with her because she would just get defensive. I was thinking of bringing this up later in C if things progressed. No sense in doing this now, because C says that we are not near that point in the R. Still working to see if the M can work. I would like for her to be tested for LD by her doc, but that is a tough thing to ask don't you think? At least for now...
