I understand what you are saying. Part of the reason my H and I headed into a tailspin is that he became so obsessed with trying to give me everything he thought I wanted. Sounds wierd doesn't it? He would spend every spare moment he had free...doing yard work or home projects outside so that I truly never spent any time with him. The time he did spend inside he'd be wrapped up in is computer games for hours and then be too tired to do anything else and go to bed. I literally had no time with him.
In our last C session last week I had the opportunity to point out just how much time he had spent away from me before....and how much he's improved (and he realllly has). He agreed that it's easier now between us, better....is told him "that's because you're doing maintenance now on our marriage...like you did on our house, or like you do on the airplanes you work on." And that's just it....in a R you can't just go on autopilot....you do have to maintain it, do date nights on a regular basis, spend quality time together, talk over a bottle of wine (or whatever). But BE TOGETHER
I suspect, and this is just a hunch here, you guys spent far too much time away from each other and both neglected maintaining your R. When the emotional connection is lost it is very difficult to maintain the physical closeness too.
Just keep reminding yourself, she does still care (chances are she still loves you too or she'd be gone)...but saying she loves you leaves her open to a world of hurt if the changes you are making aren't permanent.
