Confused and Lost

[arjnex]

Greeneyedlass: first, about the gas issue, your advice coincides with the advice I found on a site dealing with men's health. Drugstore trip clearly indicated! Hopefully this won't be an issue for long.

Second, I'm going to try to express my feelings to my wife in the manner I suggested and you enthusiastically concurred with. And not "next week," either. Preferably tonight.

Sounds like the advice you've been giving me boils down to "Stop being such a wuss and tell her how you feel." Which I know I need to do, but it's not easy. As you know.

- "A"

[Greeneyedlass]

arjnex,

Yes, that is pretty much what I'm telling you. But believe me, I know how hard it can be to do what I'm advising you to do...so I would hardly call you a "wuss"...it takes courage to do this. BUT, remember the last time you talked with her, the world didn't end....she didn't exactly blow-up at you....and she's not going to "get it" unless YOU are open and honest with her on how this situation affects you and makes you feel. Right now, even though you've previously spoken with her, she's likely to think...you've gotten it out of your system....which, as you and I both know you may have done....but it didn't resolve a darned thing!

So prepare yourself for many, many, many talks with your W. Believe me, by the time you two work your way through this...talking to each other about difficult issues is going to be MUCH easier.

I'm glad to hear you aren't going to wait a week either :-) I find it's better to say what's on your mind and get it out, rather than let it fester inside...which inevitably comes out anyway.

GEL

[arjnex]

Greeneyedlass, I mentioned it to her last night, in passing, while we were both in the kitchen. She didn't say much in response but perhaps a seed has been planted. She mostly made reference to her need for sleep above all else.

Meanwhile, additional evidence is piling up that she's trying. After she tried sitting on my chair arm to be close to me again, she had to get up, saying that position was uncomfortable for her. I asked her, "Is there a way we could sit together and be close where you wouldn't be uncomfortable?" She said, "I'll think about it." Later, as I was lying on the couch, she tried a new tactic, climbing on and literally lying on top of me. She warned me, "I'm heavy," but I said, "I don't mind one bit." Unfortunately, in that position, she banged her (bad) foot and made it hurt, so she had to get up. She told me that she's been normally sleeping in a position where she can point her foot sideways, so it won't get the wrong kind of pressure on it.

Then, this morning, after helping me with my shoes, she came over and gave me a deep kiss. She then said, "If you'd brush your teeth more, I'd kiss you more." Well, what could I do? I went in and brushed my teeth, hampered only slightly by her having borrowed my toothpaste to use as jewelry cleaner. (Try it, it works!) I also used one of those Listerine Pocket Pak strips (citrus flavor) afterwards for effect, then came to her and said, "Let's try that again." And so we did. She agreed that was better, and liked the citrus flavor. I went back out to get my stuff together to leave, and said, "Well, as much as I'd like to stay here and kiss you all day, I must be off." She came out and said, "One more for the road?" Deep kiss #3 ensued, and, as we broke apart, she said, "That'll send you off to work with a smile on your face!" (And I thought, "Not to mention a bulge in my shorts!")

So, looks like she's trying to help me out...though perhaps it's still a partial stall, as she dances at the threshold of actual "sexual" acts without going over the edge.

Oh, and she suggested trying to call other psychs, since the ones she called haven't called back, before I brought it up. Naturally my response was, "Exactly what I was going to suggest!", and I also told her I'd run another search to get her still more names if necessary. (Remember, this is mainly to see about dealing with her sleep disorder. That appears to be her biggest roadblock: lack of energy caused by lack of sleep.)

So I'm feeling good today. Of course, now being at work is likely to ruin my mood...but the having of that good feeling this morning was worth the losing of it.

- "A"

[Greeneyedlass]

arjnex,

This is good news. And the two of you are beginning to talk a bit, which is even better. Now that she's suggested you do something else (brushing teeth) to help make yourself more appealing to her...you might ask her, in a non-threatening manner, "ok...I've addressed my skin issue, now you've let me know if I'd brush my teeth more frequently you'd appreciate it....is there anything else that you've noticed that perhaps I could do more often, or don't seem to attend to as much as I used to so I can work on it? I promise I won't be offended, I just want to know so I can work on these things."

You're doing good! And I'm glad she's taking the initiative and contacting more psych's...rather than waiting, this is a good thing too. See, progress is happening, it may be little things....but it's progress nonetheless.

Now, for a forwarning....don't be surprised if she does this for awhile and then suddenly reverts back to her previous behavior. She may not revert, but it's VERY common that this does happen...in fact it's rare if it doesn't. If she reverts back don't wait to see if she comes back around on her own, talk to her about it.

I'm really happy you're seeing some little signs of her trying!

GEL

[arjnex]

Thank you for the encouragement, Greeneyedlass. It's always appreciated.

Perhaps I've hit upon a good formula...if I do something like touch or hug her and she says, "I'm X," (X being something like "tired, achy, uncomfortable"), then, if X happens to be related to what I was doing, I can say, "What would be a way that I could be close to you without you having to be X?" Or, if it's seemingly unrelated, say "How does me being close to you make you more X?" Either statement would help get the focus off me (making me less self-conscious, hence less scared) and back on how she feels and what she can do.

I'm hoping her recent behavior is her own way of showing her bona fides, the way I used the skin-care issue, and now dental-care issue, to show mine. She may later insist that we not get into anything strenuous (e.g., actual intercourse) until after we've both recovered from our respective surgeries, but this is a good way to demonstrate that each of us is serious about pleasing the other.

I'll take your warning to heart; right now, I'm hoping we can hold this gain for a few days, until 5LL arrives in the mail and I can start learning from that. But, if it drops off, I won't start panicking.

Oh, and I found some pills for dealing with the "other" issue, but, for all I know, they may require a couple of days to take effect, and I may need to take two per day, not just one. But hopefully it'll leave her feeling less like my digestive tract needs to be outlawed by the Geneva Convention.

- "A"