Confused and Lost

[arjnex]

Wow, ME1967, did you really intend to rip me a new one, or what? If so, maybe I deserve it, but it's hard not to want to act gently.

OK, I can see where "You did very well" could be viewed as arrogant. But compare to my wife's previous comment: "Is that satisfactory? Did that satisfy you?" As if she were trying to find a psych who could help her with insomnia solely for my benefit! Perhaps I just latched onto what I said as the only thing that came to mind at the moment.

“Yes, I’m upset, but more than that, I’m frustrated. We’ve been living like roommates instead of soulmates for the last four years. And now that I’ve finally gotten up the nerve to try to do something about it, it seems like every attempt I make to bring some affection back into our relationship is stonewalled. I realize that you’re not feeling well, but keep in mind that I’m not physically capable of sex right now either. Sex and affection are two different things.”

Something about this comment seems too "angry" to me. I don't want to get "too angry." That could have the effect of either crushing her spirit or driving her away, and neither of those outcomes will move us forward. Even after I made pretty much the exact comment I suggested above and Greeneyedlass concurred with--which I originally thought was "too angry"--she was somewhat cool towards me for a couple of days afterward, and that was scary, especially as it seemed like she was pushing to get me not requiring her assistance as much, sooner than would have been prudent.

Perhaps I need to express to her how hard I am trying not to hurt her with what I say, and how difficult it is to balance that with the tremendous desire I feel for her. That might discharge some of the tension that causes me to "walk on eggshells," as you put it. But there are no guarantees.

Now, recent developments. The most important one is non-sex-related; I now have the ability to unlock my leg brace and bend my knee enough to get myself behind the wheel of my car, so I no longer need her to drive me to work. (On the downside, I'll be back in the office 5 days a week.) I do need to re-lock the brace in the fully-extended position to stand up and walk around, though, but I've practiced the maneuvers and can perform them adequately.

So, yesterday, when I was out at lunch for the first time since the operation, I had to stop at the drugstore to pick up a couple of items, including more hand cream. While I was there, I found a wonderfully romantic card for her, then took some time while at the office to write a message in it expressing my gratitude for all the help she's given me, and also expressing that I truly desired her and I was confident all our problems could be worked out, and we'd wind up with a stronger relationship as a result.

After I got home that evening, I quietly managed to slip the card onto her computer keyboard, where she found it later after we'd watched a movie out in the living room. She said, "Oh, you didn't have to do this!" as she brought the card back out and opened it. She read it silently, then set it down, came over to my recliner, sat on the arm, and embraced me, giving me several soft kisses, saying, "Thank you, sweetie, you really didn't have to do that!" As I held her and stroked her back, I told her, "I wanted to do it." She was considerably warmer to me after that, reversing the slide that happened after I made the comment to her above. She even helped me with a full-immersion bath later, and suggested that I might want to sleep in the bed that night, instead of on the couch. (I did wind up on the couch, though, because I had to come in to the office today to finish up some important work, and it was better to let her have the bed so she could rest without having me banging around while getting ready to go the next morning.)

I've got another idea, inspired by some comments upthread, about what I could ask her to do that might help: she could write me an E-mail message, describing a sexual encounter between us. As in, where would it be, what we'd be saying to each other, what I'd be doing to her and how that would make her feel, what she'd be doing in return, and so forth. That, at least, would require her to exercise nothing but her imagination. And I'll take part, too, sending her one in return. I don't know if she'll go for it, but, if she does, I'm looking forward to reading what she comes up with.

- "A"