Progress can be slow, and baby steps are necessary.
I believe I understand why you asked if you could touch her....but the exchange just sounds a bit odd to me; I know you're treading in unfamiliar territory and it's scary and uncomfortable for you...so I'm certainly not criticizing, we all do what we can as we can in this process.
May I ask why, when you asked if you could touch her and she said no, did you not ask her gently why she didn't want you to touch her? From what I've read she did somewhat volunteer that she doesn't like to be touched before she goes to sleep. The only thing I might have suggested you try to do at that time was to ask her quietly...why?
Does she feel it would cause her mind too much turmoil to sleep because she would find her self thinking rather than sleeping? Or could there be another reason?
One thing I would like to say is that you mentioned you wanted her to feel like she's more in control of things....she's in control of things, and has been in control of things...at least as far as intimacy between the two of you goes. So sometimes, by taking the too timid approach (which I do know takes nerve to get past, been there done that.) you shoot yourself in the foot. I made a big mistake in the past of being too timid myself with my H. I thought, I'd back off and allow him to come to me...that if I removed all the pressure from him and made feel like he had control over what was happening that things would eventually come around....they didn't. He simply stayed where he was comfortable and never ever made any attempt. He assumed I was ok with the situation....so just be wary of being too timid, it can work against you too.
So, when are you planning your next discussion w/your W?
