This afternoon, I was able to use the skin care regimen as an "in" to restarting the conversation. Having my wife see me rubbing "Miracle Hand Repair" lotion into my hands helped. After I asked, "So, what progress on your end?", we got into a conversation that meandered into and out of the sex realm, but hit a number of highlights.
She's actually noticed the lack of intimacy for awhile, and was waiting for me to notice as well (!). She does feel badly about it.
With regard to the sexual-orientation issue, she's considering joining an online self-help group. We've also known for awhile that she needs to find a psychiatrist or psychologist to help her with her sleep disorder, since her regular doctor won't prescribe sleep medication for her; I suggested that that might also help her figure the sexual orientation issue out as well, she agreed, and I suggested that she put that search into high gear.
She also thinks that vitamin supplements, especially those designed for women, might help her lack of desire; she's been doing some surfing of her own on the subject. She'll look for something she can take regularly, though it might be tough, what with all the meds she already takes.
I was able to express my feelings to her a couple of times, using hooks from her own words. I was careful to emphasize, "I am not nagging you, I am not criticizing you, I am expressing my feelings." She seemed to be OK with that.
She says she doesn't mind talking about the sex issue, but she doesn't want to "obsess" about it.
She also thinks that she should start getting out and making some new friends here, which she hasn't done since we moved here, around 5 years ago (a month after the wedding). She says that when she's been socially active is when she's felt most sexually active, too.
For my part, she said I have a tendency to run on and on when I speak, and that I also have a loud voice, which I knew about. I think I know what she means, and will work on stemming the verbal flood in those situations.
Oh, and the daily E-mails are starting to get on her nerves. I will discontinue those.
So, several salient points brought up, and maybe a way to move forward.
Now, I've also tried the "touch" strategy, and results on that have, so far, been mostly neutral. Light stroking of her upper arms produced either no reaction or a "Don't do that! I'm ticklish!" response. Same sort of responses to stroking her hair. When she bent over my chair to hug me, I was able to run one hand up and down from her back over her buttock to her thigh; no real reaction.
Now, at one point today, I happened to be lying on the couch, in a bit of a funk; she sat down next to me and leaned over to give me a hug. One of her shirt buttons had popped open, exposing the upper curve of one breast, and I was positioned so that it was within easy reach of my lips. I kissed her there, twice, while trying to gently stroke her back with one hand. She didn't say anything, but she didn't pull away, either. When we released each other, she stayed seated next to me, allowing me to rub her back for a moment, which she enjoyed. She commented afterwards, after spotting the button on her shirt, "You popped my button." I didn't try to read anything into that.
Summary: I think we took another step, or at least it feels like it to me. Greeneyedlass, honeypot, anyone, am I going the right direction? What's my next move?
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."