There are counseling options for people with limited funds. United Way organizations have counseling avaiable to people based on their income....and they do have good counselors available too. Since you do have intenet access I would do some searches on the internet for income-based counselors.
As for finding out if there is anyone, yes...what you mentioned works. There are actually programs you can download (sorry I don't know what they cost) that will track each keystroke if you really want to know where she goes, what e-mails she's sending etc.
I'm not saying she is straying...I'm just saying you need to find out for sure.
Greeneyedlass, thank you for those tips. I'll have to look into them.
Good news today: Only a couple more weeks and the brace...well, it won't come off completely, but I'll be able to bend my leg, which means I could start driving myself to work again. That gives me a little more freedom and removes a bit of the "mother" aspect from my wife.
I have another idea, too. Recently, I've been sending her little "love notes" via E-mail on a daily basis...nothing big, just a small love message. I'm going to modify those, to include more of the "I miss you, I miss us, I desire you" kind of messages, and the occasional "Remember when...{describe sexual encounter here}...that was wonderful, I wish we could recapture that feeling" kind of message. I'm not going for "porno" language here, but maybe "Harlequin romance" language. (She was a fan of those in high school, so she knows the type.) It may not do much of anything, but it may keep nudging her awareness of the issue. Thoughts? Am I onto something, or am I full of it?
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
I like your idea...but make sure you aren't doing it so often that it could be construed as "pressure" by her...especially if she is legitimately trying to figure out her sexuality. By that I mean...don't be doing this every day LOL.
I do believe you two need to have another talk though, now that you've broken the ice. Ask her what she's trying to sort through exactly...be understanding, be supportive, be loving...but ask the questions you need answers to.
BTW, good news about your brace...I'm sure you'll be glad to be rid of it!
Greeneyedlass: Got it. I'll only do the sex-related inserts every other day, but keep up with the regular love messages. That part, at least, is the important message: that I do love her and appreciate her for what she is, and not just for sex-realted reasons.
We will have that other talk; I will probably do that next week, after having used her advised skin-care regimen for one week. She's said to me, more than once, "Your skin is looking so much better already!", to which I've responded, "Well, good, but that's no reason for me to slack off now!", and she's agreed with that sentiment. In a week's time, I'll be able to say legitimately, "OK, I've been taking care of and will continue to take care of my skin the way you suggested; I think we can agree that I have shown good faith here. What progress on your end?" Which will lead into the directed questions about what exactly she's trying to resolve, and so forth.
Greeneyedlass, without your expressions of interest and well-timed "kick in the tuchus," I might never have gotten to this point. Thank you.
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
Greeneyedlass, are you kidding? You've made a big difference. Oh, honeypot and ME1967 have contributed, too, but you've been first and foremost in the "give-arjnex-a-good-shove" club. Which was just what I needed, and couldn't get from anyone I know in real life or elsewhere online.
My wife's complimented me again already today on how my face is looking better, after just two days of her specified regimen. (I gave the "no reason to slack off" response.) OK, OK, I know you said this sounded like a smokescreen, but all these positive reactions should make it easier for me to turn it to my advantage when next week's talk comes around. Unless I'm completely off base. Wouldn't be the first time.
Of course, there's the possibility that she could hand me some other area to improve myself on next time, and try to put me off again. If this pattern keeps up, eventually, I'll need to make a response along the lines of "How many hoops do I have to jump through?". When should that "eventually" be? After the second request? After the third?
See, now I'm thinking a couple of moves ahead!
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
Let me put it this way..."if" she hands you another area of physical improvement...I'd probably say it's a stall tactic and call her on it....or at the very least ask if what she's wanting you to do really tints the way she sees you or is attracted to you.
Now, if she comes back at you and tells you something more personal such as a need of hers that you are somehow not meeting and that could be in areas of communication (which we already know you two need to work on right?)...quality time spent together, acts of service ("you don't ever buy me flowers anymore" for example), Words of Affirmation (Dang honey! You look great in that outfit!) etc....THAT would be something you really need to pay attention to and work on....that would be her telling you something she needs to feel loved that somehow she's not getting.
Greeneyedlass, if she were to mention a personal need of hers that was unfulfilled, I'd welcome that. I'm not exactly psychic, and sometimes I need more than just "subtle hints" to pick up on things. It was that way when she first expressed an interest in me; she was giving hints that virtually everyone present but me could read, and it took two female friends of mine to clue me in on what was going on.
I got her to elaborate on that "not liking to be touched" thing; she said she didn't like to be touched "if I'm tired or achy." There's probably some subtext to it, but that's a start, at least.
Still looking ahead to the next talk; I have to find out, first, how her process of working through her feelings is coming along, and second, what else she sees as deficiencies on my part.
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
Arjnex, Why do you have to "fix" everything before you start working on the intimacy?
I think a better approach is to jump right in and give it a whirl and fix that, right along with the other things.
Otherwise, Lass is right. She is stalling. There is no reason to wait, is there? Do your injuries prevent you from doing anything sexual? Could you at least touch each other sexually even if you can't go all the way?
I understand waiting until next week to show her that you are willing to work on your own issues and that it's not all about sex. But I think that getting the intimate life going again should be top priority. Ask if once per week would be okay, or ask her what HER preference is for frequency.
See, in my mind, the fastest way to figure out all the answers to her questions is to start having sex again.
But then again, that is my answer to a LOT of questions.
First of all...I've thought about your comment of waiting until next week to do anything. Don't put things off, if you do that then you are kinda shooting yourself in the foot too. I can understand having a big talk....then waiting a couple of days to bring it up again....but don't go a week.
Also, Honeypot is right....I know your W is trying to figure out her own sexuality, but do some sexual touches...see what happens.
As for when she's tired or achy and doesn't want to be touched....does she tell you that she's feeling this way, or are you supposed to just know? Hopefully she tells you.
Oh and of course you aren't psychic...that's why the communication between the two of you is soooo important to work on. She needs to understand that you are a different person and cannot read her mind, no matter how well you know her....and that you do not expect her to read yours either.
To be honest with you I really don't expect her to come right out and boldly tell you a need that she's not having met....that would be rare. What I really expect to have happen is she's going to side-step the real issues for awhile because she doesn't want the pressure of having to address them.....so she's likely to throw up smoke-screens and have YOU work on physical improvements on yourself...or find all sorts of outside reasons such as ....too busy, I have to do xyz first, it's too late tonight to talk about it...stuff like that.
Here's a tool that I and a few others use when trying to discuss something difficult too...when you get an "I don't know" answer. If you ask her something and she's constantly telling you "I don't know", simply say "Ok, I can accept that, but I'd like you to really think about it and we can talk about this again in a couple of days."
If you say that...then make sure to follow up, don't expect her to come to you...she probably won't. Using a phrase like that lets the other person know that this is important to you, and you aren't going to let it go...at some point they will have to talk about it.
It's just a tool I use that I have success with when it comes to my H. I recommend using it "if" you get the constant "I don't knows"
If anything I have said has made a difference, that makes my day!
