I'm 36, wife is 43, married 5+ years (my #1, her #3), lived together ~4 years prior. Last sex was 4+ years ago, not sure how much longer, but it certainly was after our wedding day. And it's not exactly a hot topic of conversation around here.
Now, it used to be wonderful, in my opinion, however it tapered off after some time together and, as I said, stopped altogether at a certain point.
Some issues: She's been very sick; migraines, ulcers, sleep disorders, plus a bout of Lyme disease, the treatment for which gave her pancreas fits. She had a hysterectomy some time before I met her, so there are no children or prospects for same, just 2 cats. She had issues about sex with her 2nd husband, as in, he forced her to sleep with him in order to get necessities. On a previous occasion when I tried to discuss a lack of sex with her, she explained her lack of desire and I felt badly for having brought it up.
Given all that, it seems wrong of me to want to impose upon her. But I still miss her, and want her; I feel the loss. And that makes me feel guilty. Yes, I do execute the "manual override" sometimes, but I know that's not what I really want, and it just adds to my burden of guilt. But I would not abandon her; I love her, and I have reason enough to believe she loves me.
I have read through SSM, several times, but have not wanted to broach the subject with her for fear of upsetting her. The book itself is hidden so she doesn't spot it and get upset or panicky. I wrote out a possible script for that first discussion, but it's gone unused.
It's possible that I'm being cowardly, or I'm just clueless, but I really am not sure what to do.
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
Hi..I'm sorry to hear of your situation. Here's the first thing I have to say, brace yourself
You will not be able to address this problem by keeping it quiet or hidden. Your W obviously has some issues when it comes to sex...and sure, due to her physical problems some of them may stemm from that...but I'm sure most of it comes from her past experiences.
You must talk to her about this, you must tell her how this makes YOU feel...how it affects you, be candid...don't sugarcoat; otherwise how is she going to know how you are hurting and that this really does need to be addressed?
Your W has been married several times, has she had this problem in any other marriages (besides the one you mentioned)? It's my guess that your W needs to find a good counselor...and perhaps someone that can see you both as a couple as well. She has sexual issues...she's probably going to need some professional help to deal with them...and it's not going to be easy for her, chances are she's bottling up an awful lot of pain from her past.
You've definitely come the right place for support...just remember it's going to take time to get you two back on the right path...be patient...be persistent...but most of all be loving.
Greeneyedlass, thanks for the response. Yes, I know that, if I do nothing, "nothing will come of nothing." However, I don't really know how to go about addressing this subject. I'm not exactly experienced in this, being rather socially unsophisticated, to say the least. My wife is only the second woman I've ever slept with; there were a couple of "close calls" and "wannabes" somewhere along the line, but that's it. And that first woman, back in college, turned out to be a complete psycho. I count myself fortunate that the woman who is now my wife actually wanted me in the first place.
Counseling is not really an option at this point; we are low on money and heavily in debt, due in part to a couple of extended bouts of unemployment on my part, and having to take a lower-paying job to keep from losing everything altogether. My wife can't really work right now, due to ongoing illness issues.
As I said, sex was an issue in her marriage to husband #2, especially when the relationship broke down; he was basically coercing her and withholding necessities to get it from her (things like new underwear!). Dunno about husband #1. But you can see why I'm anxious to avoid anything that even carries the whiff of coercion. Unfortunately, it's had the opposite effect, rather. I sometimes think the reason husband #2 did what he did was that was the only way he could get her to do it...and I know that's wrong of me to think, and I'm just adding to my burden of guilt by even admitting that I thought that.
Yes, I know a solution will take time. Time, I got. What I don't have, apparently, is any courage.
(Exposition-that's-perhaps-unnecessary: Needless to say, this is a pseudonym. My wife is also an enthusiastic Internet user, and we have a fairly well-established public presence in some parts of the net. The Argus eye of Google never sleeps, and, if my real name or handle were associated with this discussion, not only could she find me easily if she looked, but anyone who saw this discussion could easily find both of us, and maybe spill the beans before I can somehow get up the guts to do so.)
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
Ok....if you don't have the courage to broach the topic face-to-face perhaps you should take the time to write a letter to her. If nothing else but to get your thoughts & feelings straight. Let her know how difficult this is for you to bring up, but that this has become an important issue.
Other people have used a letter as a tool, and they definitely have their purpose...one thing to keep in mind though is this: if you do use the letter to initially get things out in the open with her, follow it up with a discussion....face-to-face. The only way for YOU to get ok with talking about these things with her is to do so...I know you already know that, but now you will need to practice it.
If you write the letter and give it to her....tell her you have something important to say but find it easier to write it than say it, that you would like her to take the time to read this letter....and then that you would like for you both to sit down and talk afterwards. Make sure you communicate to her that you love her though.
Greeneyedlass, you have a point indeed. I have a number of notes I wrote some time back when I was feeling particularly frustrated that may provide some source material for that letter, with the tone adjusted appropriately, of course. The main theme must always be, "I love you, I miss you, I miss my lover, I miss us, and I would like to find that again if that's at all possible." Sound reasonable?
Of course, I can't possibly expect any results soon, if for no other reason that I'm currently recovering from orthopedic surgery...and then, when I'm recovered enough, she needs to have an operation done. Mal suerte, indeed.
Thank you for the kind words. Sometimes, it has to be someone outside oneself to deliver a kick in the tuchus when it's needed...
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
You are absolutely correct...you need to repeatedly let her know in your letter that you want to improve your M, not dissolve it....that you love her, want her and want to know what YOU can do to improve things.
And if there is a silver lining to your surgeries it's this in my eyes: You two need to work on your emotional intimacy before you can expect the physical...this will really give you two time to get to know each other again, to talk, to be friends....I can tell you from experience....now that my H and I have become friends again the emotional intimacy/connection is back and I cannot tell you how good that feels to feel "in love" again. Once you have that the physical connection will follow (to some degree).
The effort you put in on this is definitely worth the reward
Thank you, Greeneyedlass, I'd not thought of the angle you mention on the emotional vs. physical intimacy and our respective medical issues. That's a good point, and one which I should be sure to stress.
Of course, right now my wife seems to be playing the "mother" role towards me...bathing me, adjusting my brace as required, bringing my food out to my chair, driving me to and from work on the days I don't work from home, etc. Somehow I have to change her focus back to the "friend/companion/lover" role. It may very well be easier once I have somewhat more mobility and don't need her help as much.
I wish I had your confidence, but I suppose I'll have to make up for that with determination.
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
Truly the confidence I appear to have has come from the determination to save my M. It also helped that I knew my H was a very good man with some issues, issues he didn't realize were keeping him from being a happy person, issues that caused him to unintentionally push me away......it really sounds to me that you and your W could be in a similar situation. I'm really wondering if she even realizes what she's doing....that's why it's SOOOO important to communicate to her how you feel and that you need a wife & lover rather than a friend/roommate/mother.
Out of curiosity what is your physical condition? Was there an accident that occurred or is it a pre-existing condition? I notice you mentioned that she baths you, adjusts your brace, and drives you when necessary. I'm not trying to get too personal...but it might have some bearing on your W's behavior too. Often women will slip into a "motherly" role when caring for someone who in some ways cannot care fully for themselves, so if she's done this she may not be fully aware of it. If this is the case for you....you might joke with her when she bathes you that she is allowed to give you a more "intimate" bath than the nurses in the hospital do and that you'd really like that. I find a sense of humor to be invaluable at times.
FWIW....determination, perserverence, consistency, and patience have been invaluable qualities when working on my M...and it's paying off.
Greeneyedlass, it was a freak accident. I slipped and dislocated my left knee, and, as it turned out, ripped two tendons that had to be fixed surgically, which was done about a month ago. Eventually, I'll heal up just fine, I think. My wife's condition is similar; she broke her right foot about two years ago, in an even freakier accident (she fell over while changing into pajamas and landed on her foot wrong) and it never healed properly, so now it'll have to be fixed surgically.
I've considered mentioning, either as she bathes me or as she rubs moisturizer into my back afterwards to help with my dry skin, something on the order of "Gee, this is the most action I've had in quite some time!" Something tells me, however, that her reaction would be somewhat less than favorable. I don't know, though; how would you react to a statement like that?
Your good advice is sincerely appreciated. I hope the results will be equally as good.
- "A"
"Everything that happens, happens. Everything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen. Everything that, in happening, causes itself to happen again, happens again."
YOUCH! What accidents to have...isn't it unfair how life just sometimes gets in the way of our R's? LOL Right smack dab in the middle of trying to work on things with my H and I he had to have double hernia surgery....and then we found out I was pregnant w/a tubal pregnancy....so had to have surgery for that, during that my bladder was knicked so they had to fix that too (I had to wear a cathetar for 6 freakin weeks!)...and then of course heal from the surgery. Talk about frustration on my part!! Here I was trying to work on our SL and then WHAMMO!!! Life steps in and for about 3 straight months one or the other of us COULDN'T do anything. It was so frustrating but nothing either of us had any control over!
As far as making a comment while bathing...I think I would respond better if I were asked to give a sensual bath rather than having someone comment "that's the most action I've had in a long time." But that's just me.
In the past when you two had a more regular SL what would your W respond to? A direct request or a off the cuff comment?
