A typical organizing fantasy for overtly narcissistic people, especially the type labeled as "craving" by Bursten, is that a love object should simply know, in a kind of mystical, intuitive way, what they need, and offer it, unasked. The narcissistic image of a true love relationship amounts to omniscient emotional synchronicity between two ideal people. Often the intimate associates of people with narcissistic vulnerabilities try to enact the complementary role that those in a narcissistic state so deeply desire. A woman can exhaust herself trying to anticipate and meet the needs of a narcissistically preoccupied man, in the hope of gaining some evidence of his gratitude (hence, his acknowledgement of her importance to him). What she is likely to get instead is a communication whose meaning translates into, "I am willing, because I'm so virtuous, to defer to your wishes." For instance, the husband is sulking around the kitchen looking hungry. The wife asks, "Would you like to eat early?" The husband replies, "Sure," or "Okay," or even "If that's what's convenient for you," rather than "Yes, I'm hungry," with the implication of "Thank you for noticing."
This tendency to respond to a solicitous inquiry with "Okay" or "Sure" or the posture of equivalent solicitude typifies a narcissistically protective interaction. The assumed position is, "You're the one with the needs here, not me; but I'm such a good person I'll humor you." The nuances of this transformation of subject and object are so delicate and elusive that it is no wonder that the spouses of characterologically narcissistic people can be frequently found in a state of complete bewilderment about what is wrong in the relationship and how they might be contributing to its disappointing aspects. If they can learn to act in ways that encourage the mate to make his or her needs explicit, instead of rushing to address the unspoken, they will be doing the partner the service of experiencing his or her sincerity as less dangerous than unconsciously believed - i.e., counteracting the narcissistic assumption that expressing a need is to tantamount to submitting oneself to humiliation. And they will be unburdening themselves of a doomed pursuit.
This sums up H's approach to our marriage. He said so himself. If you have to work in any way on a marriage, then it is not worth it! On the other hand, another thing he said often, was that the great is the enemy of the good. He aways saw me as a perfectionist, while I saw myself as striving and trying for something better.
Interesting, isn't it? This business of projection is fascinating...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
