Yes, as long as you have a photocopy of the passport, I don't see why you couldn't report it lost and get a new one if you need to.
As to trading the house for child support - I do see the point of your idea - a bird in the hand - and there is a worry that he won't be productive in the future. On the otherhand- do the math to make sure it is a reasonable deal for you. Is there enough equity in the house that his half of the equity, if invested, would generate an income equal to his child support? If not, it seems like a bad deal - AND you still have to figure out how to come up with enough increased income yourself to pay the whole mortgage and all of D's expenses.
An easier solution might be to just finalize the legal stuff and have a clear-cut divorce decree that you can enforce - but I realize, that doesn't mean he can't continue to screw around with you. I can definitely see the desire to be completely financially separated from him.
BTW - can you make it a term of the divorce that you buy a life insurance policy on him, with D as beneficiary? No, wait - I really wouldn't want HIM to have a life insurance policy on YOU, that wouldn't be safe now, would it?
He sounds depressed - all the angry outbursts - I suspect it is dawning on him that he has lost you, and he may be waking up enough to look around him and see what a mess he has gotten himself into. Maybe the best approach to that is to be validating, but in a way that encourages him AWAY from you? I'm thinking something along the lines of "Yes, it's a bit difficult right now, but striking out on a new adventure is always a little tough at first, you'll be rewarded with a fabulous new life that will bemuch better than the old"
LNL--I also see your point about the CS issue, but what happens if she experiences something where you cannot take care of her? Or God forbid, something happens to your house that is not covered by insurance? Then you're out the equity AND CS. I would hate to see you barter this now, without knowing what the future might hold? Houses come and go, but people do not.
We have an annual review set for every April to discuss the following year's CS payments. Our mediator indicated that it is a typical procedure--taking into account any drastic changes in living circumstances and other things that are income related. Just my .02 worth.
Ellie--Actually, the life insurance issue is also SOP as well. Right now, my decree is very explicit with our arrangement, which will change if either of us remarry. When that happens, we will each take out policies at a certain level on each other, naming ourselves as beneficiary.
This is done to secure a replacement for CS funds if either one of us dies. Not naming the kids or in my case, the special needs trust, but me or him.
If there is any unusual circumstance surrounding the death, the insurance company will order their own investigation. So if LNL gets hit by a truck after an insurance policy is issued, her H will be the first suspect to be investigated. Each policy varies according to the underwriter, but there are laws that prevent disbursements from being made if murder is suspected.
Anyhoo, had my own decree not been explicit in keeping our beneficiary status as is, we would have taken life insurance policies out per above.
That's it for now. Back to work.
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
And LNL - just an insight I had while walking this morning:
It's easy to get mad at your narcissistic H. After all, narcissism is a trait we equate with willful selfishness, right? Yet, true NPD is a personality disorder - like borderline personality disorder and sociopathic personality disorder - these are serious illnesses that severely limit those who have them from having a normal life. While their effects on those around the person with the personality disorder can be devastating, the personality disorder is also devastating to the life of the person who has it.
I'm not saying that you should tolerate his bad behavior - just that understanding the extent to which he truly is diseased, may alleviate some of your unproductive anger in dealing with him, and help you reach a more detached state. You wouldn't be this mad at him if he had developed schizophrenia, would you? Well, he may have had no more choice about his personality disorder than a schizophrenic would have about his disease; and psychiatrists know that personality disorders are among the most difficult problems to treat.
(And again - a warning to all those out there reading who want to label their WASs with NPD - while many WASs may exhibit some traits of NPD while they are in crisis, if they weren't that way before the crisis, they probably won't be that way after. Don't jump to a diagnosis based on current behavior only. LNL is basing her judgment on the entirety of her H's behaviors throughout their marriage, and the observations of others about her H before the crisis.)
And Betsey - I know the thing with insurance is pretty standard now. Just it would make me feel creepy to know I had an irrational ex with an insurance policy on me - not all murderers get caught, you know. Maybe the solution is to have the proceeds of the insurance go to a trust for the child, controlled by a neutral third party you can trust to pay child support out of it?
Entering the fray. My XH was required to get an insurance policy on his life in a certain amount with each of our children as beneficiary. He's also required to get a term policy for the amount he owes me in spousal support, in case he dies during that period. I already had a policy on his life with me as the beneficiary -- I am the owner and I'm keeping the policy, and the payments.
He does not have a policy on my life, but his lifetime expected earnings as a lawyer, and his expected inheritance, obviate the need for a policy on me.
I want to speak to the issue of your house. I got the house and all the equity in it. I make all the payments and upkeep. He walked and kept on walking.
There was only one point where he mentioned the equity -- I was DBing my heart out -- and after I nearly threw up, he backed off. The adultery evidence didn't hurt, either. Helped him be clear about his priorities!
Many women hold on to the house but then are unable to make payments because they have inadequate income. Look at this closely, Liv, and figure it out. I agree that your fellow could get squirrely, but a court order for support is a court order. If he violates the court order, the court can take care of him.
The one caution I have is that a narcissist can take your self-preserving actions as challenges to himself -- watch out how you behave and work to de-escalate (if you can.)
I know it sounds creepy, but because a few bad apples made it so. Most people operate this way quite normally.
The obstacle with trusts where a trustee is named for a minor child is that none of the funds can be used for any other purpose other than the child and the specified uses. (Unless you have a very detailed trust, identifying uses for the money--and in all likelihood, if there is a divorce in the middle, I doubt this is highly likely for the average bear.)
This can be really short sighted, especially if the child is very young and cannot access the funds for years. Meanwhile, the family needs income to sustain itself.
For example, what if an uninsured driver totals mom's car? The funds cannot be used to purchase her a minivan so she can perform her job duties as mom.
Trusts are usually boilerplate, and unless you actually sit down to negotiate where and when the funds can be used, you might find it vague enough that it's not worth the paper it's written on.
I realize that there are a few dangerous ex-spouses out there who would love to take out the ex and have access to the proceeds of a terrific life insurance policy. But LNL's H doesn't sound bright enough to pull that off. And face it, he'd have to step up to the plate and accept full responsibility for their D and her care. My guess is that he wouldn't want the job. Therefore, she's a lot more valuable alive than dead...
LNL--Sorry for the grim commentary! I just felt I had to point out the obvious. You're worth your weight in gold!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
My my, you have been busy discussing life insurance policies and whatnot over here. It brought a wry smile to my lips. Apart from the compulsory contributions that H makes (or is taken by the govt) as a working person here, I shouldn't think he has ever thought about such policies, whether on the house, belongings, life, whatever.
What he HAS done in the past is lose a whole lot of money by investng part of his inheritance very badly in shares, on the advice of a "friend". He chose just four hi-tech companies... and then told me I didn't understand anything about the stockmarket. We NEVER talk about that money, that is a taboo subject!
All this talk about "What wouold happen later?" is kind of academic, I feel either I get something now, or nothing much later!
I don't think you all appreciate just how fickle and uninterested my H is in being the responsible guy here.
Betey's quote made me laugh - LNL's H doesn't sound bright enough to pull that off. And face it, he'd have to step up to the plate and accept full responsibility for their D and her care. My guess is that he wouldn't want the job.
Though my own financial situation is very precarious too. But I also squirrel away. And have helping relatives. I have only ever once been in debt, for a few months and for a tiny amount. Before I married H I was independent, but not much more than getting by. Just bascially cut my cloth to suit what I had.
There is a very substantial amount of equity in the house, which is the remainder of H's inheritance. If I hadn't insisted we buy this present house, I imagine most of it would have been spent by now, if it had stayed liquid. I could use money coming from my mother to pay off the mortgage and then we would have a fully paid up roof over our heads. H made this very offer (sign over the house to me, pay six months mortgage and then that's it, goodbye) the day he left. I couldn't accept, as I had no way of paying the mortgage and everything else at that time, being the non-earning parent.
Anyway, I am too tired to think about finances right now. I had only three hours sleep last night and need to turn in soon.
BUT -
I took D to the hospital today for a check up, and sure enough, she has a tiny fracture at the wrist. They put a light (one sided) cast on her lower arm. So much for going swimming tomorrow. So much for H and "It's only a simple sprain". I can just see him whacking the (featherlight)ball in her direction.
Some of you may think I am paranoid, but I am beginning to think he is very bad for her indeed. I could tell you about so many things, but there is too much to post here. He doesn't take enough care of her, basically. Keeps saying "She'll be fine, she'll be OK, kids are tough", and all that stuff.
Just see how he projects his own anxiety and guilt about what happened at the weekend on to me by emailing me that I was unavailable, while not even attempting to ring me! And forgetting that he too is one of her (responsible) parents, not just me!
D has broken her wrist twice now and her elbow once. She has had five different casts and three operations, and guess who was with her each time? And I am afraid to say, that I blame my H, for each of those times too. He was not always directly involved, but he laid the foundation for two incidents and was involved in last weekend's. I know that accidents can happen to any one of us, but it if you take so little precuation or none at all, then they happen more frequently. I only thank God that the incidents are relatively minor. These things are difficult to argue and prove, but I feel it in my bones nonetheless.
Off to bed now!
Oh, I forgot, H left a voicemail saying he would be in town tomorrow and would take D out for lunch, and how it would be more convenient to have her brought to town, so if I was in town... etc etc. Well, I have an errand at the hospital, booking her check-up and plaster removal appointment, after which I am returning straight back here.
My two weeks are now somewhat messed up what with D not able to do everything for herself. And going to the hospital. Etc. Has H had to clean up any of his mess? You bet not!
Livnlearn
PS I am still good 'ol Livnlearn underneath all the ranting tonight!
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Quote: She has had five different casts and three operations, and guess who was with her each time?
Just wanted to clarify, when I asked who was with her, I meant at the hospital.
Today I dropped off D in town, as I was going out anyway. I literally just handed her over, I could hardly bring myself to look at H. He said, want a coffee? I said, sorry, I have to go...
Then he dropped D off back home later, and she came in with a lava lamp that he had bought her. She said, see, Dad has kindly bought me another present! I guess he is awash with money now that he has stopped paying me as per our agreement.
Then D got out a Sudoku puzzle book, which she said was for me from him. I know the advice on the NPD forum would be to send it right back. Do not accept gifts if you are maintaining No (inessential, if you have kids) Contact
On this forum think I will be told to thank him for it. So as not to antagonise him. But the NPD folk say, it will one day be used against you, like, *I* am so nice and look what a b***h you are!
Or I could do to him what he often does - just put it on my bookshelf among the hundreds of other books I have and forget about it. Then if he enquires about it, I need to look vaguely confused and say, what? oh yes, it's somewhere... LOL
(PS D looked interested in it and started doing one of them after I showed her how they worked... so it's HER book now.)
My sister asked why I even agreed to drop D off in town, when I had resolved not to ever do so, and I told her it really does take a very conscious effort on my part to be "unhelpful", that is, lay down boundaries.
Now Ellie will ask here, what is so bad about doing it if it keeps the peace etc. I would agree that normally it is the most sensible way to go about things, give and take and all that, but I just know that it will come back to haunt me, that I could do it once, why not again or some such. If I don't in future it is because I am a b*tch etc. I have to din it into my head that H is not "normal". It is taking its time to percolate into my brain.
Well, off to see the lawyers tomorrow.
Oh yes, another thing. When we were talking about arrangements on the phone H tried to suggest that (he "wondered" if) D's vegetarianism might be causing a problem with her bones.
Firstly, last time I asked the doctors at the hospital about that and they said her bones were absolutely fine. I also happen to know that vegetarianism per se does not cause brittle bones! On the contrary.
On the other hand, if an adult male throws a ball hard at a child... or she falls hand first off the high top bunk onto a hard tile floor, or she falls on a trampoline awkwardly... then yes, you can break a bone.
You know, at the trampoline place in the park there are individual ones all together in the same enclosure. One of the rules is that only one person should jump per trampoline. I used to try to get D to follow that, but her own father would get on and jump really hard on hers, and bounce her around. The time she broke her elbow H wasn't there. I was just lookng at someone I was talking to, and the next thing she had got on to another boy's trampline and had fallen awkwardly...
One of the major battle areas in our family life was over the issue of setting a good example to our D. H believed he could do whatever he liked. Like eat only chocolate for breakfast, in front of D, while I was telling her that no, she could not have chocolate for breakfast, she had to have the usual healthy stuff we had, like cereal, toast, fruit or whatever.
Well, that's all I have time for, folks...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
A typical organizing fantasy for overtly narcissistic people, especially the type labeled as "craving" by Bursten, is that a love object should simply know, in a kind of mystical, intuitive way, what they need, and offer it, unasked. The narcissistic image of a true love relationship amounts to omniscient emotional synchronicity between two ideal people. Often the intimate associates of people with narcissistic vulnerabilities try to enact the complementary role that those in a narcissistic state so deeply desire. A woman can exhaust herself trying to anticipate and meet the needs of a narcissistically preoccupied man, in the hope of gaining some evidence of his gratitude (hence, his acknowledgement of her importance to him). What she is likely to get instead is a communication whose meaning translates into, "I am willing, because I'm so virtuous, to defer to your wishes." For instance, the husband is sulking around the kitchen looking hungry. The wife asks, "Would you like to eat early?" The husband replies, "Sure," or "Okay," or even "If that's what's convenient for you," rather than "Yes, I'm hungry," with the implication of "Thank you for noticing."
This tendency to respond to a solicitous inquiry with "Okay" or "Sure" or the posture of equivalent solicitude typifies a narcissistically protective interaction. The assumed position is, "You're the one with the needs here, not me; but I'm such a good person I'll humor you." The nuances of this transformation of subject and object are so delicate and elusive that it is no wonder that the spouses of characterologically narcissistic people can be frequently found in a state of complete bewilderment about what is wrong in the relationship and how they might be contributing to its disappointing aspects. If they can learn to act in ways that encourage the mate to make his or her needs explicit, instead of rushing to address the unspoken, they will be doing the partner the service of experiencing his or her sincerity as less dangerous than unconsciously believed - i.e., counteracting the narcissistic assumption that expressing a need is to tantamount to submitting oneself to humiliation. And they will be unburdening themselves of a doomed pursuit.
This sums up H's approach to our marriage. He said so himself. If you have to work in any way on a marriage, then it is not worth it! On the other hand, another thing he said often, was that the great is the enemy of the good. He aways saw me as a perfectionist, while I saw myself as striving and trying for something better.
Interesting, isn't it? This business of projection is fascinating...
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Liv, thank you so much for posting this article. This really hit home with me:
Quote: Narcissistically defended people frequently find tacit ways to get others to resolve ambiguities, to protect themselves from the possibility of turning out to be wrong. For example, when a married couple in which the husband operates narcissistically reaches a fork in the road on a trip to a new destination, and is unsure which way to go, the husband will find a way to let his wife pick which road to take. If she turns out to be right, his superior position is protected because he can take credit for letting her choose the way; if she is wrong, he can resent her choice and imply (often nonverbally) that he, had he exercised his own preference, would have gone the other route.
As did this:
Quote: There seem to be at least two bases for the criticism that narcissistically defended people repeatedly direct toward those with whom they live. The object may be seen as a narcissistic extension; hence, any imperfection in the object reflects in an unseemly way upon the self. Or the object disappoints by not being the counterpart to the grandiose self; i.e., the omniscient, all-empathic Other, who effortlessly divines one's needs and meets them, without the narcissistic person having to ask for anything, thereby admitting to an insufficiency in the self. Bursten (1973) has given us an unforgettable example of this second dynamic, in a patient who took his disappointments out on his long-suffering lover:
Increasingly, he expected his girl-friend to anticipate his needs in some empathic way. For example, he would lie on his bed hoping the girl would perform fellatio. Seeing his unhappiness, she would ask what she could do for him. This made him furious. He felt she should know without him having to tell her.
Betsey 
We NEVER talk about that money, that is a taboo subject! 
I know the advice on the NPD forum would be to send it right back. Do not accept gifts if you are maintaining No (inessential, if you have kids) Contact