Thanks for your responses folks. It is 5 a.m. here and I have been awake the last couple of hours, woke up due to strong winds banging the windows, then thinking about stuff...
Firstly, I just want to post a couple of links to another (NPD) forum, where a poster from this forum has taken up residence, and where I also post a bit. You may recognise her.
There's also a poster there who calls herself "Love Eats Brains" which I think is most apt!
I think there are many of us here trying to save our marriages, who frankly shouldn't be - we should be getting down on our knees and thanking the good Lord for our second chance. I know it is never evident when the bomb is first dropped (in NPD parlance, when you are Devalued and Discarded, or D&Ded for short) but over time, and with research, sharing, study and reflection, you do get to that point. I have. I have also had more than two years to mourn the loss of my "family" and marriage. Of course I still have my family, it's just a different shape.
I wish I had more time to post about this in much more detail, but I am up to here in stress, things to do and worry.
* * * * * * * * * * * * *
This evening I had an interesting conversation with D. It started out innocently enough, but I gathered the following facts -
H broke his glasses at the weekend. He has a very strong (expensive) prescription and is almost useless without them. He put his hand out to pick them up from somewhere and there was a large insect, a cricket, on them and he got a start and dropped them and they broke.
It seems his computer also doesn't funtion well and he is going to get a new one.
Thirdly, his coffee grinder broke. D says he hit a kitchen chair hard with a broom handle when that happened. He also slammed his fist on the table when he broke his glasses. I can just imagine it. I have seen it often enough.
Now, I do understand that stuff like this can make anyone extrememly angry and frustrated.
But it seems he also told D the following. He feels very unlucky. Just when he was getting more money (from paying me less???????) this has to go and happen.
He has had two pairs of (expensive) glasses broken in the past, once he had handed them over to D, when she was a toddler, to play with. Not what I would call wise.
He has also hit his computer (laptop) to make it work!
D also said that this weekend her Dad and her "cleaned up" his place. It is good that she gets to learn about cleaning etc, but it seems a little strange (oooops, not really!!!) that he doesn't have it clean for her visit.
Anyway, we went out this evening, and towards the end, D said her wrist was aching a bit. I looked concerned, and she said it wasn't much and make light of it as she is scared of the hosptital. But I have decided to take her in for a check up nevertheless, tomorrow.
I then asked her again how it happened. She told me she and H were playing ball, where she was piggy in the middle between him and a wall. He was throwing quite hard, and she hurt her hand once. He said he wouldn't throw so hard, but it happened again. So they stoped playing. Then later, she was mucking around and she fell over and her hand hurt and H started laughing. At this point in the narration, D adds "Dad wasn't laughing at me because I was hurt, but because I fell down in a funny way..." It sounds to me that she is already starting to 'make excuses' for H's behaviour, just like I have done all these years. I really didn't get it. Here is something my sister wrote me in an email just today, when I told her I hadn't told H anything about the passport yet.
You have made endless excuses over the years for H's behaviour, which has become increasingly disgraceful
I have always thought my sister's disapproving views about H were a little over the top, as she is very vehement about many things, but with time she is being proved right.
Anyway, at that point, someone else found some of that pain relieving spray and applied it.
Now, I heard nothing of all this on the Saturday when it happened, and I was home all day to field calls or voicemails, yet H sees fit to email me with a rant about "What if it had been an emergency?" and how childish I am???
One thing I find odd is that D says her hand feels bruised on the back of her wrist, but how does that happen when fielding a ball from the front? The ball is VERY light - about the size of a football, but only weighing 250 gr. I don't think I would be able to throw it hard enough to really hurt anyone.
I suppose she could have just got the sprain from an awkward movement. But I do wonder...
Anyhow, the stuff about H losing his temper over all the things breaking and having lots of extra expenses, makes me think that he is increasingly unstable.
I think it would be in my best interests to get some kind of one off deal up front quite soon, so that would free me from dependence on him. I will then make my own way. What if he just starts to earn a whole lot less and can't/won't pay a bean?
I might suggest signing over the whole house to me in exchange for no child maintenance. At least we will have a roof over our heads for sure. The thought of not handing over a penny of his income to us might be attractive. It might buck him up and get him off my back (where have I heard that one before? )
Got to go back to bed and get a little more sleep before my alarm goes off!
Thoughts?
By the way, I am not afraid that H will take D away and not return, just that he might hang on to the passport and play tinpot dictator over it. Maybe he hasn't thought of it yet though, so I don't want to put that idea into his head. Also thought, I have photocopies of it and all the paperwork regarding its renewal. I don't think he would have a leg to stand on for keeping it, as I have never taken D away without letting him know etc. It would become a police matter, or I could report it stolen and get a new one...
But one thing I have read over and over again about NPD - never underestimate what Ns will stoop to.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
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