Hi there LnL, Wouldn't you know it would happen, I drop by and you're out of town ... aahh ... make that country on vacation.
oh well ... I still do lurk around from time to time, so I'll drop by again.
and I'm sorry to hear H hasn't changed his ways yet. He surely is the enigma. I continue to hold out hope that he will eventually "get it" ... for your sake, his sake and your daughter's.
I'm just popping in to say I am back. I had a very hectic three weeks, I managed to get quite a lot of useful work done towards my personal project while in the other country, and D and I did a few fun things apart from the usual pottering the few times when we weren't.
But underlying everything was the stress of thinking about the games my H is playing with me.
He paid only half the maintenance for D for the month of June. I sent him a registered letter inviting him to pay the rest, or I would have to get legal advice. He replied that he would welcome it, as then we could discuss a fairer settlement (for him!) He said he would happily come and discuss things with my lawyer, but he wouldn't be paying any lawyers himself! If this goes to the lawyers, I will be getting mine and he will have to get his, no more sharing from now on, as we did for our mutual agreement.
Built into our agreement is some leeway for renegotiation as I earn more: I already started paying half the mortgage, which is stretching me, but now H wants to pay less for D as well. Doesn't take into account that I am her day to day carer for 95% of the time. Limits my employment opportunities, and lets him off the hook for virtually all responsibility.
I stupidly thought that paying my half of the mortgage would get him off my back, but it has brought him on to it!
Also said he wouldn't pay a bean for D's maintenance in August when he has her. Lawyer advises that payments are merely twelve monthly installments over the year. So he has to pay.
I let things lie while away, but since returning yesterday, H has emailed me - he wants to know if it is OK to take D abroad for a few days during August - "hopes" that her passport is OK and all. (Took a lot of paperwork and expense to get it renewed recently, without any input from him whatsoever.) His email is sickly sweet and unctuous, after all the bullying earlier ones.
My sister advises that I should tell him to pay up before I hand over any passport. I don't have any other bargaining chips without going legal. I am in a quandary, and have been feeling stressed for the last month.
So much for my peacful life.
I really really wanted to be able to get on with my project and other work in peace, and get to the stage of being self suporting in the main, but his pressure is distracting me from that. Constantly. He is like a dripping tap.
It is comical to see him being polite to me when he WANTS SOMETHING - the passport, that is! That's the only humour I can find in this.
I am having to learn to be really tough with this bully.
Any advice?
Livnlearn
PS: D told me that H told her on the phone yesterday NOT to take her holiday homework book up with her this weekend...
She also told me that her friends told her she was lucky that she has a Mum who does so many things with her. That made my day, that the kids notice these things. I notice there are an increasing number of young kids, both in single parent homes and even homes with both parents, who are latchkey kids, going home from school to an empty house etc. And the mothers are often much too tired and busy to cook meals on a regular basis.
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Just wanted to say my mom was home with us as kids and we did lots of horseback riding & other activities with her and it was great having her home and not working!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
LNL - Pay the lawyer and let him do his job. I imagine it will be money well-spent. You won't have to deal with H's bullying, and you will probably end up with more money in the long run.
I'm glad you enjoyed your time away and sorry to read up on your undercurrent of dealing with your H. How hideous.
I don't have any advice for you since you are already doing the things that appear to be necessary when dealing with him. What I don't get is the unilateral decision making he seems to do that always comes out in his favor. Maintaining a household for a child is a year round job and he needs to have the lawyer point out that a vacation is hardly an excuse for skipping CS payments.
Quote: She also told me that her friends told her she was lucky that she has a Mum who does so many things with her.
Maybe this will encourage her to give you the benefit of the doubt more often and to express gratitude for the life that you give her? I'll pray for this for you.
Carry on and have a great weekend!
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
I have been stewing over the situation the whole time, and in addition, the weather has turned stinking hot so I am stewing even more!
H emailed me that he had decided to take D abroad with him from the 31st. That he can't wait a month for my reply. Well, I only got asked about it the first time on Thursday evening...
I have decided not to respond to him directly at all, but to go see a new lawyer on Monday. I don't want to have to deal directly with H at all any more. I want to ask about what can be done regarding H's non payments, and whether giving him D's passport will be just handing him another bargaining tool. Remember last year he grandly told me that although last year he had given me his permission to leave and travel with D (actually, it was only on one visa application form that they required the non travelling parent to also sign an agreement allowing the child to travel), he wouldn't again... My Lord and Master speaks.
You can't reason with a lying, narcissistic bully.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
LNL - don't bite off your nose to spite your face. The issue of H traveling with D (entirely reasonable) is separate from the child-support issue (let your lawyer handle that). And think how much work you can get done on your projects etc. with H and D out of the country - think of it as a gift.
The travel is not the issue, the having his hands on the passport is. He will not have paid up, by the end of August, (as per his boast) approx $1,450 in unpaid maintenance and contributions to D's bike purchase. He grandly informed me last year that he would not give his permission for "such long travel" away with D in the future. These are written threats in emails. Yet he "hopes" D's passport is in order! My Feudal Lord, or what????
My sis thinks that H is getting used to having his own way and will keep on at me until he has what he wants, paying me little and driving me away from this house to other country etc.
I wish I had the aswer to all this, I really do. I have this infantile wish that all this horribleness will all magically just go away...
H is being the tin pot dictator and enjoys seeing me run about. *I* will have to run to the lawyer about money, about the passport issue if it gets to that. While he just smirks and sits pretty. And issues threats.
I am more vulnerable than he is, in terms of residence and nationality status, and earning power. He knows this. I am a foreigner here. Definitely second class citizens.
I will go see a lawyer and see what can be done and what is advised. Maybe they can get an undertaking that he will pay up the arears and hand over the passport to me or something.
H is arrogant, mean, lacks empathy and is VERY VERY self centred. He does not CARE about anybody else but himself. He is also lazy, and manipulative.
What is the answer to this?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
Actually, I feel quite sick with worry. Will making an issue out of the passport give him ideas and up the ante, or merely be an extremely prudent precaution?
He will bring up the issue when he drops off D either Sunday evening or Monday morning - he still hasn't said when.
Ideas, please - help!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
That's the only humour I can find in this.
Betsey 
