The first just over two years of our marriage H had a shop, which didn't make money. He borrowed for the business against the fully paid up small flat we had at the time (from his mother's inheritance). I helped in the shop in some measure, making the products that were sold.
He closed the shop the month our D was born. He started in the work that he is doing now, which he hates, but which brings in money. Then his Dad died and with his inheritance, he paid off the outstanding mortgage on our old flat. Then we went on trips to my country of origin, which I subsidised with money left to me by a relative and we also stayed with my friends and family for lots of the time, as well as hotels. This is when H got into my area of work.
I have freelanced in this area all my life but before I married H I also used to do other jobs to make ends meet and to subsidise lots of travel for the work.
After our D was born, I did a little of this work as best I could, while being a full-time Mum. A company owing me money went bankcrupt, so I lost a significant amount.
H reallly got into the kind of thing I had been doing for years, and spent a lot of time and money going on independent trips, which I didn't complain about. He was techically in charge of the finances, I didn't have my own bank account in this country (I have never earned independently in this country, only abroad) and assumed everything was under control, as H was the one who said the amount of mortgage we took out for our new, much bigger flat was "doable".
The whole of our married life I was the one who did all the housework - shopping , cleaning, cooking, tidying, clothes washing, childcare etc. I held the home fort. H did very litte. He probably didn't come shopping with me more than a couple of times in the last few years of our marriage. I manage with a bicycle, by the way. I always used to think to myself, at least H has "weekends", I don't!
By his own admission, he used to tell me that he could do enough work in six hours flat, turn of his computer at 2pm and have the rest of the day free. Five days a week. About thirty hours in total? Oh, he had a hard life, he did.
I also put much effort and time into finding our new flat (things here don't work quite the same way as in the US), and things like nursing my mother when she fractured her hip. But I guess that last doesn't count, as it wasn't contributing to OUR marriage, not benefitting my H directly.
And, in addition to the things outlined above, I would put it on record here (very useful, that! ) that I paid 100% for our wedding, did up the first flat (painted etc) did up our present flat too, doing much of the DIY, (although we had a professional painter in this time) etc etc So you can see, the picture is complex.
As I have said before, the irony in all this, is that if H were living here now, and we were pooling our resources, we would be fairly comfortably off. I certainly would never have chosen to become a single mother, that too in a foreign country.
I am still wondering about how to approach H. Of course I would like to have a harmonious relationship, but I am beigninning to understand that for H, my "niceness" is taken as appeasement. And he thinks it is fine to abuse me one days and then turn up here and use the bathroom and be all chatty - probably no more than fishing for "evidence" is what I feel now.
Also, let's say I have a modest budget. I budget the spending, I am careful with electricity, phone calls etc, in order to afford a few nice things. H sees/hears about the nice things, and thinks that if I can afford that, then he is paying too much. You know? My life under a microscope.
He himself is a spendthrift and doesn't budget at all, just spends when he wants and deals with the consequences later. He also has expensive tastes. And he buys stuff and then gets bored with it and tosses it aside. And loses stuff ALL the time. I wonder how long it will be before D gets given his iPod? She has already inherited his Palm Pilot, which was just a casual purchase from before the bomb. Of ourse when he had just bought it, it was THE THING to have, you could read novels off it, downloaded from the internet, blah blah blah. I noted that I would rather read from a paper book, much more comfortable. Of course, then I didn't UNDERSTAND current technology, the way things were going in the future....
I think having a family and responsibilities just cramped his style.
Hey, no idea why I fnd myself on this rant! Sorry...
Ellie , I really appreciate all the time and effort you have put into advising me and taking an interest in me and my "case"!
A BIG THANKS!
I dont know if you have read up extensively on Narcissism, but if you have, you will see it is a very slippery fish one is dealing with. I used to think of narcissism as merely a bit of self centredness, but it is much more tricky than that. It has really allowed me to understand the dynamics of our whole ten years together and the two years post bomb. I don't wish to be intimately involved with an individual like that again.
Well, I'm off to wake up D and we have a busy day ahead of us, I am getting sorted out to leave for other country tomorrow.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
) that I paid 100% for our wedding, did up the first flat (painted etc) did up our present flat too, doing much of the DIY, (although we had a professional painter in this time) etc etc So you can see, the picture is complex.
