This morning I sent H an email copy of my letter. It was as posted here. I also sent him a registered letter copy, as advised by the lawyer.

I got a reply by email quite quickly.

H says -

He did it (halved payment) to get me to discuss matters with him, which I have refused to do so far.

I am welcome to go speak to a lawyer, he is willing to come discuss, but he won't be paying any laywer's fees. I can discuss directly with him on the other hand, which would be cheaper for me. That would be a "mutual agreement".

And he won't pay for August, as he has D, not me, and the money is for her, not me to go on holidays etc.

He ends with "Cheers".

Was out this morning, and had a lesson this afternoon. During the lesson the phone rang and I let it go to voice mail. It was H, saying if I wished to know the amount to pay for our house tax, I had better ring him.

(The house tax is one we have to pay half each of, but the amount is not specified on the form, he has to find out from his accountant. I have been asking him about this the last couple of weeks.)

Comments -

The phone call is pure baiting - he can just email me the amount, I shouldn't HAVE to ring him. Recently I emailed him the pin code of his returned bank card, when he requested it.

As for the email, he is very happy, and rejoicing at his cleverness. He is a tin pot bully. It's about the only card he has to play, not pay me to force me to "discuss". The reason I have not discussed this with him is that the last few interactions were pure bullying and abuse on his part, and I won't subject myself to that. It seems to be impossible to discuss anything with a character like this. The only thing he accepts as discussion is my agreeing with his demands.

And also, my circumstances are no better than January this year, as I told him in an email, so there is nothing to discuss, as far as I am concerned. He wants the spotlight turned on me and what I earn and spend, but seems oblivious to what he earns (could earn) and spends. D mentioned recently that he has a collection of pipes from around the world, ordered through the internet. Knowing H as I do, they will NOT be cheap pipes, OH NO, they will be quality ones. And that he orders tobacco from the other country. He has a new iPod too, this week.

My lawyer told me that as he worked for both of us on the "mutual agreement" he cannot act on only my behalf. I would have to find myself another laywer.

One thing he (the laywer) told me was that the August payment could not be held back. H pays me a certain amount over the period of a year, and that is divided into 12 monthly payments, regardless of whether D is spending visitation with him.

I wonder how far I can go with a mutual agreement with a narcissist who sees everything the way he does. My sister reckons he will only stop harassing me when his payments have gone down to zero. And worn me out.

I was composing stinging ripostes in my head all morning, like while at the hairdresser's. Of course I will not send anything. I haven't sent or utterred a bad word /criticism now for ages, since about October 2003. I have kept absoutely polite and calm with the madman. Maybe that's what gets up his nose? I refuse to let him see me rattled. That would be such excellent narcissistic supply!

I think I have learnt a lot from DBing and being on this board, a lot of coping skills and looking at things differently, but my acting "as if" and being kind and accomodating has fed this monster and allowed him to grow and thrive.

I am now paying the price for switching off the supply.


Ayone here know, is it advisable to tell the bully he is being a bully? Will that enrage them further, or deflate them?

And, any personal recommendations for practical books about dealing with jerks and narcissists? I know there are many out there, which ones are really useful? In a non-Amercian, general context? I will read the relevant bits in "Why does he do that?" again.

Thanks for listening.

Livnlearn

"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates