Actually, the reason I haven't done this letter before, even though Ellie suggested one some time ago, is that I thought just by laying down boundaries as the occasion arose, he would get the message. I don't think it is working. In one of his recent emails, he said, if you don't work enough to earn xxxx so I have to pay you, then how come you don't even have time to bring D into town? He seems to think I am still at his disposal. I tried being nice and accomodating all last year, as you know, and look where that got me. No more!
All my friends and family tell me, what I do is my business, he elected to bu**er off, so now he pays me for D and keeps out of my life!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
LNL - I think starting with a list of boundaries is a good idea. I'm not sure a letter to H is, though. It seems that setting him on the defensive doesn't work very well.
One approach might be to simply wait until the next time the money issue comes up, then simply write to him what your attorney has said. (I say wait until he brings it up again, because I have a feeling some of his bringing it up now is a reaction to him sensing you moving on. He may not be as serious about it as he seems.)
Another approach might be to simply state your current feelings - something along the lines of "Dear H, I want to remain cordial for the sake of our daughter, but I really have no feelings of any sort for you anymore, and don't desire a friendship with you. "
As for issues like meeting him for lunch, etc. - it's not his business to know why you are busy. Just tell him you are.
I just don't get the feeling that anything more than this will get you closer to your goal of minimal contact.
What is your goal in sending a letter? It seems that you want him to understand. I don't think he has any intention of "getting it." You are going to have to do what you need to do in spite of his refusal to understand or cooperate.
Quote: What is your goal in sending a letter? It seems that you want him to understand. I don't think he has any intention of "getting it." You are going to have to do what you need to do in spite of his refusal to understand or cooperate.
I think you are right here.
H is sneaky. He has written that unless I reply to his (imperious) demands, he will be forced to take action (halve payments etc). He has already delcared he will not pay me for August, when he has D. Lawyer says it doesn't work like that.
H throws me all these assumptions - "we have to talk", "the situation has to change" etc trying to oblige me to engage, if I don't it is only my fault that he "took action". See how manipulative he is?
I think we are nearing the stage when we will have to communicate solely through solicitors for any of this stuff.
I don't sleep well and my other work is as usual suffering.
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
I have to agree with Sd, your H doesn't want to "get it".
Lnl, while I don't think my H is in the same boat as yours, I see some similarities. They choose to not "get it".
Like Ellie said, wait until the next time it is brought up. He threatened to cut payments if you don't respond, well, you are not under any obligation to respond. That's just more button pushing on his part.(control)
You're right, you may have reached the point of communications by lawyers. However, I think I would try to keep them out of it for awhile longer. Once you go that route, the expense could get out of hand. Not to mention you could be feeding H's anger. Hasn't H in the past pushed this issue and then it gets dropped to the back burner? Wait and see what happens. You can always have the lawyer write him a letter.
Your doing great! Pattie
When you can't make a decision because you are torn between your heart and your head, listen to the half with the brain.
Liv, you've got a lot of choices in how to communicate with this man. I've found that saying something directly to STBXH in the moment works -- for the moment. He often says, "You never told me that!" when clearly I had. I have adopted this strategy. If he asks me to do something I don't want to do (change my schedule to accomodate his) I say no. If he pushes, I send an email, reiterating "no." If I feel hurried to make a decision, I say, "I need some time to think this thru." Then, I respond at a later time via phone or email.
I've just learned documenting my boundaries works with STBXH, but not in a laundry list -- rather, as things come up.
Thanks Pattie and Michele for your comments and ideas. They are all useful. You are right, Michele, H often does not hear what he doesn't like to hear, hence I never said it.
Yesterday he came to pick up D, along with his friend R, whose place he will be staying at over the weekend. R was a mutual friend, although he was always closer to H, and these days I don't choose to socialise with R (and his family), for no other reason than that I don't feel close enough to him/them, but he is a nice enough guy.
Anyway, H says from outside, come and say "Hi" to R. Then H says, can I use your toilet? Of course I say OK, sure.
D and I are playing cards, because their time of arrival had been pushed back and we were just passing the time. We were in the middle of a game and D wanted to finish. Meanwhile H behaves like everything is just hunky dory. He is chatty and happy. I know he had a little look in the rooms on the way to the toilet. The game was going on and on, so I just said, look, I have to go out and this game is going to take forever, so let's call it a day, and we did.
It will be interesting to see whether H has changed his payment at all when it comes through on Monday. You all are right about not getting uduly into a fight with H, he gets provoked, but basically backs off when I am firm without labouring a point.
I was surprised he was happy, as I know he got a call from his bank yesterday. They called here first, they STILL don't seem to know what his current telephone number is??? And when the bank calls it is usually bad news, not good. And whenever H hears bad news from his bank, I am the first port of call for his venting.
Oh well, I intend to have a good weekend. Tonight I am going out with friends to a big open air music and food evening, which should be great. I have my good friend staying overnight and for brunch tomorrow. Apart from that, I have time to get on with lots of things I need to attend to, without having to entertain D.
Oh, and last night I had a nice cooking class. If I had a constant stream of students for those classes, I would be much better off. Everybody agrees the food is great, it is just getting the constant custom.
One good thing these days, with teaching English only to adults, and cooking classes, is that I am at least doing stuff I can handle well and really enjoy, and the stressful moments are fewer than when I was teaching kids. I really am not cut out for that!
If some fairy godmother would just put H on "hold", so that his behaviour was normal and pleasant for a long time, it would allow me to get on with my life with much more focus and energy. As things are, much of it is diverted into dealing with H and his provocations.
Have a good weekend all!
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
And when the bank calls it is usually bad news, not good. And whenever H hears bad news from his bank, I am the first port of call for his venting.
