A peaceful life

[Underdog]

LNL,

As loathe as I am to find anything in common with your H, the um, tendency to break computers is one of them.

Though I have fared better at home, I'm afraid my colleagues have donned me with a nickname "computer killer" because it's sadly true. I've had my current one for a little over a year and it's already limping on some USB equipment--and it's a matter of time before I kill the whole thing. My boss isn't entirely amused by my abilities (it requires paying a partner some $ to transfer my accounting software), he knows I'm a work machine and I get things done. That's my saving grace!

Aside from this, your H and I have nothing in common!

You sound really good, friend. Keep going!

Betsey

[Livnlearn]

Hi Betsey

Thanks for your visit. I read on another thread that you have put on ten pounds again, what's with that? Please get a grip! There is nothing as dispiriting as piling on a load of weight that you have so diligently lost.

I still have a stubborn few kilos that won't shift. My hormones are obviously part of the problem, I have recently noticed alarming amounts of bloating during my monthly cycle. I remember the days, long gone, when I had a monthly cycle that would produce a washboard stomach! But I don't miss the attendant pain.

As for computers, I am waiting any day now, to hear H tell me it isn't fair that I have such a good computer, one that was HIS once...

Livnlearn

[Livnlearn]

It was D's last day of school yesterday and now she has very long holidays - 14 weeks! My day was busy with lessons and a couple of visitors who are staying two nights.

Shortly before dishing up dinner, the phone rang and as it was H I assumed it was to speak to D... but no, it was H wanting to chat with me.

First he told me he had managed to coax the computer to work again. Then he told me a couple of "knock knock" jokes...

Then he asked me if I had summer plans.... I was vague, they are still not firm.

And, he asked me how I was...

Then he told me to give D a kiss and a hug from him, and said, that's all from me then!

Reading the "Why does he do that?" book, this lurching from being abusive to being nice is talked about as part of the overall pattern of manipulation and abuse. I don't like it myself. It keeps you (me) reeled in, of course. I can't remember him apologising for calling me a bitch all those weeks ago, when I didn't buy his tobacco...

Anyway, more busyness ahead of me, just thought I would drop in with an update!

Livnlearn

[BeingMe]

Just wanted to let you know that I follow your posts with interest. Don't have any advice though, except to say that it sounds like the least contact you have with your H, the better. You are an inspiration!!!!!

[Livnlearn]

Hi again,

H called to speak to D and then she handed the phone to me. H wanted to tell me all about a new browser he had discovered, and was recommending it to me.

Another thing - two weekends ago when D came back from her Dad's, there was a DVD among her stuff that was one H and I had talked about months ago. I assumed he had sent it down for me to watch, but I was surprised, it was right about the time he had sent me the stinking email about wanting to pay less, sell the flat, and how he wasn't going to send me the cheque for D's new bike etc etc. I just put it away in the cupboard.

So on the phone yesterday, he asks me if I have watched the DVD.

I don't trust my H an inch anymore. After inviting me up to his place in January, he just dropped the idea when he had OW2 to stay, didn't even answer my email about spending a couple of days together here over Easter for D's benefit. He most certainly doesn't think about D's point of view, just his own.

I am seeing more and more clearly just what kind of cloth he is cut from, and I wouldn't want to go back to him. I couldn't even do it "for D". Being in his world is disorienting, and I am finding myself again, in all this mess. I never discarded my values, but I sure got a little confused at times. I have to hang on to myself.

Reading the "Why does he do that?" book is interesting. As is visiting the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Board. Somebody wrote there, that after finding out about NPD, it put into perspective the 14 years of garbage she had endured. Ditto for me!

There was garbage in our marriage, but I never could make sense of it. I did however resist it. I think my resisiting it more and more forcefully towards the end, made my H look elsewhere for Narcissistic Supply . I was Devalued and Discarded . But a narcissist always keeps you on standy for backup supply when times are lean. That's what I see happening here. But I will surely be dropped when something more exciting comes along!

So, thanks H, but no thanks!

Livnlearn

[Livnlearn]

I feel as if I am playing whack-a-mole. I have never played it before, but from how it is described on this board, I think I have a pretty good idea of how it works!

The last few weeks I have been juggling two sets of guests for a total of 14 nights, with some sticky moments. There have been counteless end of year activities to attend at D's school, some of which have clashed with other things we had planned. One of my students has been playing silly buggers with me, cancelling at the last moment. H has been calling unusually often, and this morning he emailed me a (polite, for a change) reminder to address his previous email about his 'concerns' re: paying less and selling the house...

I rang my lawyer to fix an appointment for next Monday. I cannot live with so much uncertainty and pressure for much longer. I want to know what the bottom line is regarding what H needs to pay towards D and her upkeep and housing etc., that does NOT REQUIRE ME to keep accounting to H. In any case he is earning far more than I am at the moment, but he seems to think he should have to pay me just about 250 dollars a month for D, we should sell the house and split the equity, and just go from there. His email is full of concern for his own security and future, but not a word about my and D's security and future!

Have I said this before? I CAN'T WAIT till our assets are divided and our Separation Agreement/Divorce terms are cast iron. At least I will feel I am standing on terra firma.

I have never felt, and could never feel, I am standing on solid ground with my H, and I reognise that fact and am so grateful I am out of any R with him. I have always had less money than him, but I have never felt as financially insecure as with him! I have always cut my cloth to suit my circumstances and will do so in the future. But I need a certain someone to quit yanking on the cloth!

One thing I am learning to do is to disregrad all the fluff and speculation in his emails - how he will "probably" buy a house in the hills as it is so expensive in the city. Going by his track record, he will just as likely take off for a two year trip around the world with the money from the equity, if he gets his hands on it. It was only two years ago, after all, that he was telling me he would NEVER BUY A HOUSE or HAVE A MORTGAGE AGAIN, and he is already talking about both.

I don't even know that this kind of thing is called *lying*, it is just saying whatever is most convenient at the moment, and his mind changes as often as I change my underwear. (That's every day, folks! )

He is truly a HOLLOW MAN, I have come to see. It jives prefectly with his OWN self-assessment that he is a chameleon.

Oh well, got that off my chest!

Livnlearn

[mojo]

Lol Liv I so like the way that you write. But more significantly I can so relate to it!

My h was going to buy a cottage in the country miles from anywhere and disappear off with OW. How nice would that have been? Instead he lives approximately 8 miles from me and complains if I don't wave when I see him.

Anyway, it seems to me that you going to the lawyer to firm things up a little is a good idea. For your own sanity I think you need to reduce these communications with your h if at all possible. It seems to me that he does seem to "touch base" quite a lot.

[kml]

Liv-
Don't forget to ask the attorney how to handle your inheritance so that H can't get any of it.

You know, his talk about money and buying a place is all probably speculation, a way of easing his anxiety at the moment. I guess the trick is how to deal with him so you get what you want. Probably validating him and dropping the rope will keep things calmest. Meanwhile, you just get a clear picture from the attorney of what H will have to pay and don't settle for less.

Hmmm....and just thinking about your vacation this summer - what do you need to do to make sure H doesn't take any of your things while you are gone? Is there anything of value left in the house that he might want? Can you get someone to house-sit for you, or put some stuff in storage? (Maybe some DBer wants to take a vacation to your country? )

Ellie

[Livnlearn]

Don't forget to ask the attorney how to handle your inheritance so that H can't get any of it.

I alternate between feeling sorry for my H and feeling that he doesn't deserve my sympathy at all. The bottom line is my and D's survival.

You know, his talk about money and buying a place is all probably speculation, a way of easing his anxiety at the moment. I guess the trick is how to deal with him so you get what you want. Probably validating him and dropping the rope will keep things calmest. Meanwhile, you just get a clear picture from the attorney of what H will have to pay and don't settle for less.

Yes, knowing how to 'handle' him is the key to this, I think.

Hmmm....and just thinking about your vacation this summer - what do you need to do to make sure H doesn't take any of your things while you are gone? Is there anything of value left in the house that he might want? Can you get someone to house-sit for you, or put some stuff in storage? (Maybe some DBer wants to take a vacation to your country? )

I changed the locks last summer and have made it clear so far he does not have the run of this place when I am not here. Even when he has D with him. No way. He may bring it up agaihn, saying that while he has D with him and I am away he should be able to stay here, but I will not buy it. I am not worried about him taking stuff. He is more the "leave behind the mess for others to deal with" type. He has already taken what he wants. I have put all the remainder of his personal belongings in the attic (I carried it three floors up. I am willing to bet he will not touch a thing up there, EVER AGAIN!! Place your bets now!). He may in the future want some furniture if he gets an unfurnished place, but I doubt it, he is tooooooooo lazy to furnish a place. Unless he gets an OW who will do it for him.

Thanks for your points, Ellie.

Livnlearn

[MicheleTW]

Liv, I just have a minute but want to recommend a book I've just finished which was very, very helpful to me. It's by Eleanor Payson and is called "The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists". Although it's a droll title, the book is a very practical overview of what causes narcissism and how one deals with a narcissist. It was just what the doctor ordered! Eleanor Payson has a website: Eleanor Payson I know you can order the book there, or thru Amazon.

I agree with Ellie. Your H doesn't really respect boundaries, so please make sure your house is secure and someone is watching it while you are out of town. Especially if your daughter "forgets" something and asks to come by the house.

Thinking of you,
Michele