ok, guess I'll take a minute to update. I had my appt with the att. this morning, got some questions answered. she doesnt recommend a legal separation, but maybe an "informal" one, which can be done out of court. KS no-fault D laws do mean everything is pretty much divided, although I know I've heard of settlement agreements that were far from "even"...60 to 90 days to finalize a D. The biggie for me though was that she assured me that it was possible with out a doubt for it to be set up so that S have NO CONTACT what so ever w/ow. That is a huge relief for me. S's hatred for her is so intense that it couldnt be good for him to have to be with her.

So, on the home front....interesting stuff. H was very warm and loving last night when he got home. not in a sexual way, in a warm affectionate way. I was kind of wistfully thinking about our sitch, and got teary eyed, didnt say a word or show it, but he came in from doing chores and hugged me and said "whats this?" wiping away smudged mascara...I told him I'd just been thinking and guess it got my eyes watery...he said there was no need for that, I should dance for joy....I didnt say much.

Then, H started to talk again. actually this is a relief, because I know what's going on this way. I got more info. H was incredibly unemotional in talking about her/the A.
told me: ow is a demanding whining spoiled brat; has been making huge demands on him, which in his words "ABSOLUTELY GUARANTEES I'M NOT GONNA DO IT! I'VE ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY" (yep, this is a guy ultimatums are guaranteed to fail with.

that her demand was that he move in with her when her D went back to her dad's for the summer---which was last week. that if he didnt do that to forget it. that if it didnt happen this summer to forget it.....H said 2x, I've thought about it and thought about it, and there is nothing there that I want" and "what I want isnt there"; he did say "let me tell you, the pressure has been tremendous"...he said this with such calm detachment, not all tearful or angry, that I tend to think he meant it. he commented that "she's pissed and I'm pissed"; I almost asked "so what happens if she switches back into poor me/victim mode", but bit my tongue and just listened. That she told him "If you don't come down here (meaning to live with her) I'm going to go work at the hospital"...he'd told her to go, that was an honest way to get more money, maybe she can work with the other nurse here she hates. I asked if that was supposed to be a threat, and how??? and he said it was, that she meant she wouldnt be around/available.

oh, darn!

then he started to talk about her...interesting, she must live a life of utterly disorganized chaos....she lost her cell phone in her driveway for 3 or 4 days?????? her backyard is full of stuff her dog drags out there...shoes, underwear, other clothing, a 12 pack of toilet paper it somehow drug out there. The dog buried her cell phone last summer, ate her contacts and some emerald rings, and I don't know what else. I cant figure out how the dog could get a hold of stuff if it was even half-way put away. that's the weirdest thing. H is not exactly a "neat-nic", but he doesnt miss it by much, and sometimes disorder (which I have to admit we sometimes have way to much of) can sometimes drive him wild. I would think a situation like that would absolutely make him nuts. H said you could never depend on her, she changes plans at the last minute and you couldnt ever depend on her to do what she said because she can't get organized enough to. That there is no "we" to any of her plans, that she's not even capable of thinking in terms of "we" because she is such a self-centered spoiled brat. That her sister is so weird that she freaks out and has to leave going into Subway and being asked what she wants on her sandwich because she can't handle the stress of so many choices. whoa.

This morning I asked (yes, I am going to keep my mouth shut ) if he was really certain that he was done and staying...and he said again, quietly and matter of factly, "yes, what I want is not there".

so, we shall see. I can't help but hope. I wonder though, is his seeming detachment an indicator of any type? what about the fact that he started talking again?

Thank God I was able to be pleasant and non-reactive and just listen, ask a few neutral questions. Of course, it was a lot less emotionally loaded than hearing about the poor wonderful victims horrible health problems and how I needed to be nice to her . oh, yeah, I'm still waiting for that letter she's gonna send me. Like I said before, I have that jotted on my calendar for shortly after hell freezes over.


been around awhile!