Hey Pam, good to hear from you, some interesting points you bring up. hmmmmmmmmm, I am digesting them. they bring up a lot of thoughts.
yep, you're right, it's reared it's nasty head up over and over again. Drives me up the wall. What I've seen on the board it that for most people it does seem to be a process of letting go of the op that they arent able to do all at once. So it becomes a question of what am I able to live with to get to that point. Some days I'm clearer about that than others. part of clarifying that is writing about it so that I'm not dumping it at H, which gives him more control over it.
I am also convinced, no doubt in my mind, that the A is a symptom of mlc...if a lbs choose to try to ride the tide out, some things need to be done differently. and it's a darn long hard road that shakes you to your toes. I've gotten a lot of guidance from the Conway books, Men in Midlife Crisis by Jim, and You and Your Husbands Midlife Crisis by Sally.
lets see...no boundaries and no consequences, I have to think about that one for a minute. maybe not, or maybe I havent set timelines on them that feel "right" to other people. I told him long ago this was not acceptable, and I didnt intend to live the rest of my life dealing with it. Did I say "if it goes on for....I'm out of here" no...should I have? maybe. Would it have gotten the results I want from my H? nope. because I would have been saying it to try to get him to do what I want him to do, absolutely guaranteed to send him into "rebel with or without a cause" mode. he has had consequences to deal with, internal consequences that are much worse than any I could have set up (because he does still have a conscience) and are more likely to in the end be the kind that effect a lasting change...how soon that end will come is hard to predict. What are his consequences? physical illnesses the likes of which he's never had before; inability to do his job; guilt..huge massive overwhelming guilt; the confusion of trying to lie to cover up his duplicity; loss of respect from his co-workers, fear, loss of self respect for knowing he's the bad guy no matter how he cuts the cake; and frankly the rath of ow, which I think can be pretty hot.
bottom line: I still WANT him back, but he has to want to be back. HOW on earth could he want to be back with someone who brings about all those negatives in his life? Much better battle plan to let the consequences be self and God imposed for the most part.
Quote: your M at any cost, but do you really want your S to see that you are a weak willed wimpy doormat that tolerates long term infidelity?
excellent question, one that I've considered at greater lengths than anyone will ever know. What I want my children to understand is that as followers of Christ we are called to walk a path that is often difficult at best, that often requires self sacrifice and courage of a type that is sneered at by the world. We've spent much time discussing the parable of the prodigal son and what that means in our daily, personal lives. here on my bulletin board at work I have a handout that S brought me from his religion class that I reflect on daily. It's called "A Moral Guide to Patience" and refers to Exodus 17:3: "In their thirst for water, the people grumbeld against Moses, saying, "why did you ever makes us leave Egypt". The discussion that follows is: The bible tells the very human story of the Hebrew people who, despite their relationship with God, had difficult times and were tempted to give up. When Yahweh did not respond to their needs quickly enough, some of them turned to other gods. Families often want instant results. We pray, but if we don't see an immediate response, we get discouraged. but God gradually builds situations that are the best for us. Through out thousands of years of human difficulties, God has kept and fulfilled his covenant." that somehow speaks to me quite clearly about my sitch. We also have a handout that talks about King David, and how important his example can be in dealing with difficulties in everyday life, ie, that it's important to first ask God IF you SHOULD fight a battle, listen closely, and THEN FOLLOW HIS INSTRUCTIONS in the battle he directs you to fight. and Christs answer to his disciples when they asked how many times they should forgive someone who wrongs them sticks with me. Wasnt it 70 times 70?. So, maybe the kids will see me as a wimp; maybe they will see me as someone who had the guts to put the rubber to the pavement and walk the talk even though it was really tough. I guess time will tell. Oh, yeah, that's another hideous consequence that i didnt have to impose on H: his kids dispise beyond words the ow. there in nothing in this world she could ever do to redeem herself in their eyes. and H has lost several degrees of respect as well. he knows that. I don't have to say a word.
Quote: Are you content, at peace?
Actually, interestingly, there are times when I am, when the sun is shining and I'm thinking about all the possiblities the future holds, and I realize that inspite of my frustration and impatience God is working on this according to the big picture, when my family--yes, h and I and the kids--is enjoying closeness that we havent known for probably ten years, talking about issues and ideas and stories and getting excited about them, I actually have moments of pure and blissful joy. moments...I would like many more of them, that's for sure! I almost posted a couple of weeks ago and then probably didnt about the "moments of joy" that found us over a weekend. guess I need to post about the good stuff, not just my agonized insecurities.
So, anyway, my longwinded musings need to be wound up here. but what's up with your H? you mentioned he's a real mess right now? I think I recall he was taking a different job the last time i read your thread. I was wondering about you recently, and how things are going. It's great that things are looking up for you.
