Oh, Ellie, I know you are absolutely right about the white line, and about the worst times for conversation......I gotta get back on the horse (or cycle) and get things under control.
About the undies, yep, you're right, H would SAY he likes a person who is not a "fancy dresser", which is exactly one of ow's many virtues that I got to have extolled to me the other night. HOWEVER, I have come to realize that in this instance what he SAYS and what he REALLY thinks is not the same thing. In fact, we used to get Vickie S. catalogs that were addressed to D, and I noticed they became a part of his bathroom reading material ; and in fact we used to look through them together some. We havent gotten any for a while, and I completely forgot about them. So, I think I'll check out their website and order one to get things started. hmmmmmm
I had a light bulb moment as I was coming back from my meeting.
For the last week, I have been pondering what on earth I said to H in my emails last week that would have sent ow bawling and crying from his office, that she would have said was more devastating than her divorce. I couldnt come up with a thing....I said NOTHING to get that kind of response. NOTHING. I said I loved him more than he knew (surely she wouldnt be surprised by that), I said I was having a hard time because I figured he was planning to be with her on her bday, I said I didnt know what i could say to him that she hadnt already said. I said nothing at all disparaging about her, nothing to elicit such a response.
So, I've been wondering, what would have?
then it hit me....she read not only 3 of my emails to h, but a thread of the three with his responses to me in there. HIS RESPONSES are what upset her. what did he tell me?????? He said that he thought WE were on the right track, just for me to please not stress out and over react right now; he said that he did love me, that I've been the steady one in his life all these years and that he appreciates that greatly. he said that he admired my courage and devotion and efforts to convey my thoughts to him. He said, specifically, that he thought it would be really nice if I could come with him on Friday, and that he would like it.
OK, so if I was the ow and read the guys emails to his wife to this extent, how would I react????? I'd be OUTTA THERE with no looking back, I'd be pissed beyond words, I'd be in tears, I'd feel like a fool who's been used and allowed herself to be used for 2 years, and yes, I'd probably storm out of the office in tears.
Will it be enough to keep her from going back to him????? I don't know, I can only hope, but she seems to be extremely dense.
This explains also H's intensified guilt and grief, why he's so worried about her...
It's the only explanation that makes any sense. duh
Yeah, it makes perfect sense - because undoubtedly what he's been telling her (that your marriage was dead years ago, that he was only staying for the sake of his son, etc. etc. - the usual B.S., I'm sure) didn't match up with his loving and appreciative responses to his loving wife. And now she's realizing what an idiot she has been - and H, I'm sure, is feeling guilty for having mislead her (although I'm sure he believed it at the time).
Just keep your eyes on the road. Don't diss the OW to your H, stick to the high road, don't sink to her level.
boy, I keep beating myself up about blowing it night before last when I got so upset at H's sharing. Darn it, anyway. I really missed a chance to get some insight and new ideas by causing him to clam up. I'm not sure how I'll ever get him to open up again. any tips any one can offer???? Is it possible to ever get him to open up again?????
I'm thinking of Ellie's earlier post:
Quote: But YOUR behavior has to be so good, kind and unconditionally loving that he can recognize how manipulative and selfish hers is (takes them a while after withdrawal to see this - took my H a few months to admit it).
I see how important this is. I just wish I had been able to manage better. I guess I just wasnt prepared. I also hope I didnt send him the excuse he needs to run right back to her. It really was/is a missed opportunity. I've been thinking/wondering about how to increase nonsexual intimacy, he finally opens up, and I do that. darn darn darn darn and damn!
Oh, quit beating yourself up - he really was being pretty inappropriate and insensitive. (Gosh, I remember helping my H compose a goodbye letter to OW - YUCK!).
Pull yourself together - plan to greet him tonite with good music, nice food, looking and smelling good - think about setting a mood like one of those nice stores that convince you to buy everything in sight because it smells so good and the music is so peaceful. Think MERCHANDISING, girl! Sell him on you! Presentation is important.
yeah, Ellie I know. In fact I'm thinking I gotta crawl back up to the high road. I've been able to avoid dissing her to him for a long time....not said a derogatory word about her...but it sure came out yesterday morning. I don't know though, I didnt really say anything to bad about her, just that everybody has health problems and I didnt see how hers were any worse than anyone elses, and what kind of a person uses stuff like that to break up a family (evidently she has high blood pressure and has to take 2 meds...well, so do I, mine are just combined into one. has migraines and bad pms...yeah, well, join the club, poor baby) that I saw it as hugely manipulative. and I said that I didnt agree that their A/getting together was God's doing, and that the bible provided some pretty clear guidelines in recognizing such things when it talks about the fruits of the spirit and maybe one or both of them ought to check it out.
So, I blew my cork, and pretty well dissed her, but it could have been worse. I didnt call her any of the names that were on the tip of my tongue. yeeesh, I still can feel the steam coming out of my ears when I recall him saying "you need to be nice to her, she sent me back" that night. That's what blew the cork out of the bottle.
I think we're cross posting here, Ellie. But I love your spirit, you sure can pull me up!!!! merchandizing...yep...presentation is important. hmmmm. I am starting to think more along those lines, I turned on the oil diffuser and candle warmer before I left the house this morning, so it should smell nice when we get home. I put a candle H really likes on the warmer.
Gotta remember to touch up my make up.
I've been thinking about your comment about making my life exciting so he wont' want to miss it. mulling around some ways to spice things up a little more. I had to back off a little in the sex life department because he was in his "insulted because you think all I'm interested in is sex" phase...but I'm thinking he's past that now, especially evidenced by his comment this morning.
so, I'm thinking i'm going to work on being more "girlish"...finger nails, new undies, smelling good, etc., and, what to do differently....
hmmmmm....the tanner; we were watching tv the other night and saw a jazz cd adevertised, talked about it as a "mood setter"...H watched closely, actually commented "interesting", so theres another thought.
I have a catalog that has a video tape on exotic dancing in it; maybe I'll order that....plus I saw several others. i don't have a clue about such things, I dont' know how much of a clue H has, but I bet I might be able to surprise him.
ummmm, hmmmm, I could order some lingerie and have it sent to his out of town office. THAT would surprise him. actually, I could order him some kind of gift and have it sent to his out of town office. maybe I could find a place that delivers lunch that he would like and have that sent to him as a surprise....I dunno, is this too much???????? obviously pursueing, but I've never tried any of those things, and maybe now is the time. I can always not do it again if I get a bad response.
oh, I've been going to "kidnap" him forever and havent. well, there is this really cool redone homestead way out in the country about an hour from us. It was written up in the paper. I think H would like it, it looks abosolutely gorgeous, with walking trails through the woods. maybe I will make a reservation for the 2 of us....S is going to stay w/D soon for a month, and have him drive there after church, or even on a Friday. I could pack a backpack with new jeans/short/shirt/undies toiletries for him, so he wouldnt suspect anything. I guess I'd have to be prepared to have that go awry. of course I could always just go by myself, not an entirely bad thought either. too much??????????????????? something to try????????????? Just last week he was talking about us needing to do fun things together, so if he's not gone back to her, maybe this would start the ball rolling....????????????
hmmmmm, do they make fake tatoos a person could put on an unexpected body part, just for a fun little shock of surprise????? where would i get them??????
I gave him a copy of "The Prophet" that I bought 6 months ago and hadnt given him. he liked it, mentioned yesterday he had read some of it. I was surprised he isnt familiar with it, but he'd never even heard of it. It's one of my favorites. I've always liked Ogden Nash's poetry, maybe I could surprise H with some of that, I bet he'd like it and isnt familiar with that either. I guess it's just sharing a tiny bit of a side of me he doesnt know........
I am having such a hard time today...I am as anxious as I was right after the bomb I think. I'm not sure why, no, actually I take that back, I know why: H was aboslutely happy with his life and everything in it last night. How can he go from being so devastated on Monday evening, weeping and crying, to everything being so great by Wednesday? I don't think he can other than if he's back w/ow. this is what i've seen before so many times.
I also don't get any "warmth" in his emails again, I'm just getting the business like ones, the "we'll be better if we can get some sleep" kind, although this morning he did tell me "you can relax"....this whole mess is making me nuts. not to mention the fact that they just moved a whole bunch more people into my cubicle area at work, and it's driving me nuts. I don't do well with noise any way, and between the constant mindless chatter and one persons country music, I'm about to lose it.
I don't know, maybe I'm better off to just throw in the towel and get it over with.
; and in fact we used to look through them together some. We havent gotten any for a while, and I completely forgot about them. So, I think I'll check out their website and order one to get things started. hmmmmmm 
Sell him on you! Presentation is important.