I think part of my problem Ellie is being able to believe that he REALLY is letting go of her. If I could believe that, I could live with slip ups and the time it may take, but I dont think he's done a thing about it.
My Dr. would probably choke me if she found out I went to a tanning booth. I have a hard time getting bottle tans that dont turn my skin orange though, for some reason. I bought some neutragena that I thought would be good last week, and it seemed to be less orange, but I still had trouble with it streaking and making dark spots in my pores. what is the Banana boat type that's good? That's probably the one brand I dont think I've tried.
Yes, I think your h is ending it and if it seems different this time it's likely because it is.
No one can guarantee you that this is it -- not us here, nor h, no one. The only things you can do you are doing -- focusing on what you can control, getting your ducks in a row, etc.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I exfoliate really well with apricot scrub first. I use the medium/dark Banana Boat brand, but you may want to start with the lighter one if you are really fair. You can see any streaks as you apply it, so just be thorough about rubbing it in.
I agree tanning beds are not good for us--I broke my own rule by doing it. I've had a couple of benign cancers removed from my shoulder from childhood tan/burns. But I was feeling like doing something a little naughty so I went for a couple months. It was kinda fun for awhile. You can also get the spray on tan--I've seen it called Mystic Tan. The girls at the salon do it and they look really good. You stand in a booth and it is sprayed on you in just a minute or two. Totally safe. I haven't tried it yet. I switched over to having my nails done for now.
Great advice you are getting here from special people. It's great how everyone supports each other here. And you got your mind off things for a few minutes anyway, thinking about undies and tans!!! Treat yourself!
thanks all, every word you've shared helps a lot. I've read the part about "windows" into the A and the M, and I think that's why I usually feel better when H does talk about it. I don't know, I just couldnt hear about the poor poor victimized ow last night though. So, yes, I will have to stop him. I had a thought about something he told me that i could use in dbing, and I'm so tired I cant remember it now. hopefully it will come to me soon. I gotta go pick up S's bike from the shop, then I'm gonna call the attorney.
Hi Ellie - So often, I wish your earlier threads were not lost
Quote: But YOUR behavior has to be so good, kind and unconditionally loving that he can recognize how manipulative and selfish hers is (takes them a while after withdrawal to see this - took my H a few months to admit it).
NG is going through this, i'll post in a bit more detail over at my place, but until I saw this post, I had no idea that it was 'normal' for this thing to take a few months to surface. Ugh.
Thanks so much all of you for your help and support. I have absolutely no doubt that we'd be divorced by now if it wasnt for you all.
I havent heard from H this morning, which makes me anxious. I'm having a really tough time keeping a lid on my anxiety these days, I have to admit that after his disclosure Monday night about them having only been apart for 2 weeks in the past 2 years, that I am absolutely terrified that he'll be right back with her. and not hearing from him only adds to that, but obviously it didnt make much difference any way. Darn this is hard.
Gee, still havent gotten my note of apology from ow. am I surprised? I'd thought I wouldnt read it anyway, but I have to admit I might not be able to resist.
OK, just got an email from him, not very spicy, but at least one asking how I'm doing.
I am kicking myself for having missed an opportunity the other night when H was sharing all that stuff with me. I fear I may have shut him down for good, and that was my window into what's really going on with him. I don't know if he'll ever feel safe to open up with me again. my fear is that he wont. however, I did ok with a lot of it, most of it in fact. I'm not sure what it was that trigged my buttons, I think it may have been his middle of the night comment, after hours of listening to how wonderful the poor wronged soul is, that I needed to be nice to her. actually I'm pretty positive that's it.
The June 1 deadline also adds to my anxiousness. and how to handle it. will I ask him the status of "it" then???? will I accept progress, as in he's home on the weekends, or is it all or nothing? I don't like all or nothing, but i'm not sure at this point.
Ellie, this is so helpful:
Quote: But YOUR behavior has to be so good, kind and unconditionally loving that he can recognize how manipulative and selfish hers is (takes them a while after withdrawal to see this - took my H a few months to admit it).
Plus the bit about excitement. I'm putting on my thinking cap for these.
so, to update the sitch, not a lot to report really. i did go by new undies, body scrub and a loofa and some bannana boast self tanner. I havent had time yet to use the tanner, but I sure like the smell better than the other stuff. Hopefully tonight I can give it a try.
When H came home from his "long day", he looked at me with "searching" eyes, I don't know how to describe it, but the same ones I saw when I walked into staff meeting yesterday and when he looked over at me as we were walking out. probably wondering if it was safe to walk in the door, I'd guess. H and S were talking, and I walked over and stood beside H, just listening. He put his arm around my shoulder, and acutually held it there firmly, almost a hug. nice.
He asked after he did his treadmill if I wanted to watch tv with him, I told him sure, if he'd wake me up...we only lasted about 1/2 hour because we were both so pooped from not sleeping Monday night. went to bed, H took his shirt off before he got in bed, pulled me close to his front and snuggled me. We wound up ML again, at his initiation, and he had no "performance problems". that's three days in a row. I remember Snodderly talking about "sexathons". I dont understand the "why" of this, and puzzle about it sometimes. But I have to say, I like it! and, in one of the emails (gage) I read from h to ow, he told her that he saw sex as a way to get close to another person and stay close. so, after I've stopped throwing up, I've decided to put that information in my db arsenal. Acutally this was an email I found recently, and I've had that in my arsenal for a long time before that. Needless to say, between being exhausted and good sex, we both slept fine last night.
This morning, I stood in the doorway to the bath and watched H shave...my mind a buzz of thoughts....he said "what"...I told him I was just mulling many things over. I did backslide, sigh, and ask him if he was going back/was back with her...he started to get irritated, as always, asked why I was asking that, I told him I'm just scared as heck right now. h said "no I'm not and I'm not going back" (how will I ever believe him?????) "I'm just holding things inside right now." I told him I want to be able to support him and for him to be able to talk with me...h said no, he had been foolish to to it, but he'd just had a bad day because he wasnt busy enough and had no one to share it with, that he should have known better, it was too much, too close, and too soon. I told him I wanted him to be able to share with me, and to be able to support him. that I was sorry I'd let him down in that way and that I would be able to get past it, it just kind of hit me at a low point at the time. h said he knew, he agreed about the sharing and support, but right then was not the time, he was trying to focus on getting ready for work...told him I knew, understood, but just wanted him to know.
later on, I dumped the new undies out of the shopping bag onto the bed (didnt even get them put away last night, but maybe that's ok) and was picking out something to wear as I usually do outerwear. H said "what, you bought new underwear?" I told him, yep, I thought it was time for something different. h said "well, you used to wear them a lot longer than that" (weird) & I just chuckled and said "yep, but I'm different now"...h said he thought that was a pretty VG (meaning Valley Girl) thing to do, going underwear shopping (he's referring to a female coworker here who is an infamous shopper)...I just chuckled again and told him I was taking lessons...h said "well lets see then" so I put on the bra I'd picked out, and he said it had "possibilities"...not sure what that means, but he did notice! and it was something different. I swear it's hard to find sexy underwear that is functional in this town. sheesh.
H hugged me and kissed me and said ILY first before he left for work. I told him I wanted him to know that I do "love you lots"...he said he did (that's a change from way back when, when he claimed I didnt love him), why would I think he doubted that...I told him I didnt, just wanted him to know. As he was leaving, he made some comment in reference to sex "we've become pretty frequent flyers, that's kinda cool". I just said "it's a great program!" and chuckled.
I guess there's a lot of good here. do you all think???? On the down side, I think I saw a bunch of new emails in his brief case. I WAS NOT snooping, he sat it on the dining room table and unzipped it in front of me last night. I would have had to close my eyes not to see. Maybe he's baiting me??????? I have an awfully hard time dealing with the terror that he is/will be soon back w/ow.
Quit Looking in That DITCH!!!! Keep your eyes on the white line in the middle of the road if you want to keep this motorcycle going in a straight line, Missy!
Quote: This morning, I stood in the doorway to the bath and watched H shave...my mind a buzz of thoughts
The two worst times to start these types of convos - when he's rushing to go to work, and when you're both tired at night in bed. Just don't do it.
Quote: . h said "well, you used to wear them a lot longer than that" (weird) & I just chuckled and said "yep, but I'm different now"...h said he thought that was a pretty VG (meaning Valley Girl) thing to do, going underwear shopping (he's referring to a female coworker here who is an infamous shopper)...I just chuckled again and told him I was taking lessons...h said "well lets see then" so I put on the bra I'd picked out, and he said it had "possibilities"...not sure what that means, but he did notice!
I was always way too frugal and practical, took me a long time to realize that H WANTED me to be a little girly - and HE was probably tired of my old clothes!
Quote: I swear it's hard to find sexy underwear that is functional in this town. sheesh.
That's why you can order online from Victoria's Secret! I know they're pricey - but really worth it - plus I think their bras are on sale right now.
In fact - you might want to get a V.S. catalogue and ask for his input
actually I'm pretty positive that's it. 
