hi Mollie, thanks. I sure needed to hear from someone. I'm so blown away right now, I cant think straight, again. I wondered if he was saying all that stuff to hurt me, but maybe it was just all the stuff he has pent up with his grief, and he felt close enough to let it out with me. in which case I failed. I guess I should have stopped the conversation. I obviously am not detached from this. I just have a hard time with his vacillation. Sometime in the night he said that sometimes he wants to be there and sometimes he wants to be at our home. He said "we" will be together....but this is driving me nuts. maybe I can go do something tonight, H won't be home till 8 pm or a little after, anyway, so I don't have to see him for a while, although for some sick reason that is always comforting to me.
I need to call the attorneys, but I don't even have privacy here at work to call about an appointment. Maybe I will go home sick and do it. how the hell can things take such an about face so quickly? See, last Thursday was the day his tone changed again, and that was the 1st day after she read the emails on Tuesday that she would speak to him. thats when he pulled back away and started asking me if I was going with him the next day.
Is this part of grieving?????? I really don't know.....
damn it anyway, I have 1 week till the June 1 deadline. I still dont want to give up my H, but I don't know anything to do to turn this around. does anyone see something I don't that I could try?????
I really don't believe that bitch is going to give him up, I think it's just a grandstand play on her part.
Living with this is wearing me out though, that's for sure.
I'm sorry you're in the muck...I don't think you've blown it at all...and I think you're holding up admirably to what can only be an incredibly painful time for both of you...it's amazing that h is disclosing so much to you about xow and how he has felt about her (some clues for you for future db'ing too, no?) and while it's open and honest and disclosing...I'm certain that it's enormously hard to hear and raw and disturbing.
I don't think you can rush through it or rush him through it. You have a credible plan...you made it clear to him what needed to happen and in parallel you are working to establish your financial security, put your attorney ducks in a row...I think you need to continue that for a few different reasons...ther is some security in knowing that you have stuck to YOUR plan...and perhaps doing so will keep your mind off of the emotional side of your sitch right now.
I'd say keep doing what you're doing because you are doing really well...I'd suggest STOPPING the conversation with h before you blow, though...it's perfectly fine and not invalidating in the least to say "I need a break from this"...to be clear about how much you can hear at a time...eventually, if this disclosure continues, we may want to look at "Is this helping or hurting" but frankly, for now, I'm thinking of it as cleaning a wound, ya know?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Deb, if I were you I would just forget about the deadline for now. And don't discuss it with him. Just let it come and go. I made so many deadlines in my mind and I could never stick to them. Let things move naturally without trying to control the outcome and when it happens.
When you see him tonight, smile and ask him how he is. Don't initiate any R talk. If he starts in maybe you can tell him you'd like to just relax tonight and not talk about anything. Act as if you are feeling pretty good today. Don't let on that you are hurting or feeling sad or sorry for yourself--this is pressure on him. Many times I wanted to break down or start asking for reassurance but I knew I had to bite my tongue and get passed it. And don't bad mouth her in front of him, he will probably want to defend her.
Can you make some physical change for yourself? I would buy clothes, get a tan, get my nails done--things I never did before. Some Vic Secret underwear. I loved buying new underwear--made me feel good. I did it for me, not for him. But boy did he notice!
Only you will know when you have had enough and you just can't live with this anymore. But you aren't there now so try to just leave him alone and let him get through this and you keep moving ahead with what you want to do for you.
So do you think he may honestly be trying to end it with her? I've hear that so many times before I just cant believe it any more. WHY would he suddenly start disclosing so much??????????? guilt? grief? just needing someone to talk to????? feeling that he could trust me????? I just cant imagine.
It is raw and awful to hear, but in a way it is helpful, because it helps me to know that my instincts are pretty on track where H is concerned. That in itself is hard to live with though.
If you have time, I'd be interested in knowing what you see that i can use to db with now....frankly, my nose is so close to the paper, that I'm not seeing it right now.
I think I'm going to leave a little early to put a call to the attorneys, I have names of 2 female ones, I'm thinking I'll both just to inquire about how soon I can get an appt, etc.,
Deb - It's okay to say "look, H, I know you need to talk about this stuff, but it is just really unfair for you to torture me by telling me how much you loved her. You need to talk to someone else who won't be so wounded by what you are saying."
Not that they don't need to talk to us about it - but really, he went way over the line in that convo.
And do go see the attorney - it will help you figure out how to put yourself in a good place financially.
He's lost, confused, and I think if you stick to the high road, he'll get through this. But YOUR behavior has to be so good, kind and unconditionally loving that he can recognize how manipulative and selfish hers is (takes them a while after withdrawal to see this - took my H a few months to admit it).
And you need to make YOUR life so exciting and interesting that it starts to look like someplace he wants to go too.
One thing that helped my H at this stage, sounds silly, but I took a new name, and gave him a new one too. He was "Jacques" and I was "Isabella". Somehow, him being able to think of me as his "new" girlfriend made it easier for him.
I've made deadlines in my mind, but this is one I told him. So it's important to make it stick, to at least have the ball ready to roll. I dont know how much more of this I can take.
I have never been to a tanning booth in my life. do you see results fast???? I'm sure it would be unhealthy, I have really fair skin, but what the heck for a change?????
Frankly, I could use some new undies. I bought new outer clothes last week. but undies are not a bad idea at all, it would at least get my mind off of it. actually, last week I saw they had some sheer lavendar tie at the sides panties that would match my Vickie S bra....
Quote: I've made deadlines in my mind, but this is one I told him. So it's important to make it stick, to at least have the ball ready to roll. I dont know how much more of this I can take.
I think that, while deadlines are usually a bad idea, your case may be an exception. It may actually take you saying - in a loving but firm way - "H, I deserve to be treated better than this, I don't plan on sharing my H with another woman any longer, I know I can find a man out there who will love me and S better than this" - in order for him to start to focus on what he's losing in you. (Right now he's only focused on losing OW).
Just don't jump the gun - ie, if H is doing everything right but has, say, a brief phone contact or some similar minor slip that might just be part of the letting go process.
Quote: have never been to a tanning booth in my life. do you see results fast???? I'm sure it would be unhealthy, I have really fair skin, but what the heck for a change?????
Tanning booths cause skin cancer, please don't. But there are great fake tanners out there now (Banana Boat makes a good, cheap one) and they work well if you remember to exfoliate first, and rub some moisturizer on your knees, ankles and elbows first so they don't soak up too much. Makes you look thinner too!
