oh man, I am as big a mess today as I've ever been, I also wonder if I should just throw in the towel. I really need some input/insight, clues as to what to do next.
Last night when H got home, he was "ok"...said he was going to walk, and walked for a good 2.5 hours. he got home about 9:30, & I asked how his walk was. he shook his head and started crying. I said I was sorry he was feeling so bad, and he sat down at the table and started to tell me a lot of stuff. for the next 2.5 hours, even after we went to bed, he told me a lot of stuff. stuff that was really hard to hear.
He told me how he worries about ow's horrible health problems, how he doesnt know what she will do with out him there to do things, what a bright kid her D is and how he worries about her D. How smart ow is, how she was first in her class at nursing school. how he'd been glad she went on his fall vacation with him a year ago that I gave him as a christmas gift. That he bought her contacts after her dog ate hers....that he's been lying all along, that they've only been apart about 2 weeks in this whole time.I told him, yes, I knew that. that he feels like we never knew each other well enough when we got married. that they finally were able to have a long talk without getting angry at each other yesterday....the kind we have. that she's a lot like I am, likes the same kinds of things, always has projects going. That we'd probably get along great together. That he'd been waiting for one of us to throw him out, that he doesnt see how either of us can stand him. Through all this, I managed to listen and validate, I kept telling myself "be his friend, just listen, just listen.
When we went to bed the discussion continued, he was telling me how he took her places and how he just loves it because she gets so excited, like a little kid. How she would sometimes drive over to his out of town office on Saturday and they'd go have lunch. How she gave up everything to sit and wait for him. how I needed to be nice to her for sending him back, how she's going to write me an apology letter and he thinks she's gone to confession and he needs to go also. That she said to tell me she's not a sexual abuse victim (I'd asked about that) How she said that nothing had ever devastated her a much as the emails from me to him that she read, not even her divorce had hurt so badly. I asked why those hurt her so, and he said because I would never give him up.
I asked him why he changed to going to her place in the mornings instead of the evenings, he said because he was missing going to church, that he hadnt been going. told him yep, I knew that.
somewhere in the middle of this, I lost it. big time. I don't even remember what i said. i think I cried more than yelled. We wound up ML, and it was a sleepless night for me, I think for h as well.
This morning I asked if he is still calling her when his alarm went off. he said "no". I asked if he intends to go back with her within 2 weeks like always before, he said he didnt think she would let him. I said I didnt believe for a minute that she wouldnt take him back in an instant, that it's all a grandstand show.
He said she believes god brought them together, and I lost it at that, I had to mention the bibles comments on the "fruits of the spirit". He said we would be together, that is what god wants, he doesnt want our family ripped apart, that he "needs to learn to love me"...I'm afraid I lost it at that too.
I was po'd, told him I was sick of hearing about how great she was and how her health problems were so much worse than anybody elses...and what kind of a person would use that as a hook to break up a family anyway. that made him mad, he said they werent any worse, and that wasnt what he meant....I threw back up at him what he'd said the night before about worrying about what she'll do...he said "I guess she'll just have to be creative, wont she"...H said he had needed my support but he'd been a fool to think I could give it, that he would never talk to me about this stuff again, that it was to close for me. uh, yeah. I do need to talk to about it. It's just incredibly painful. He did kiss me goodbye, but I don't think there were any ILY's on either side.
the hated all staff meeting was this morning, I walked in the door with 1 person between ow and I...H was already there, I looked at him and saw him looking at me with kind of big eyes, I don't know if I looked that much like hell or if he thought I was going to take her apart. I was the second person out the door from the meeting, and just after I got out the door, I looked and saw that H was beside me. He must have had to hurry to get there, because he was a couple of tables away. I looked at him, and he looked at me and said "what"....I whispered, "I still do LY, that's all" and walked off.
I sent him a short email...saying that I wish things were different and had gone differently this morning...he emailed back that he feels like crap, hopes he can make it till 8 tonight, that we can talk to night or maybe just resting is a better idea.
I don't know what to think. have I blown it? Am I a fool for even thinking it's possible to come out with this? I am numb and exhausted and confused. Have any of you ever heard of this kind of stuff?????? even more, I wonder, has anyone ever made it through?
I need to get an appt made with the attorney, I havent done that yet.
help........................I really feel ill. maybe that would count for something if I was the ow.
I'm sure they're having nice little tete a tetes all day long.
